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Just like everyone else, Covid has limited me to phone contact with mom who is in a memory care unit. I live across the country too, so I have not seen her since November of 2019 (went in for a Thanksgiving visit and dad passed while I was there--will always be truly grateful I could be there). Of course, mom's AD has progressed over this time. She is now at the point where she really can't even complete a sentence. But I know she has complete thoughts because she gets so frustrated not being able to say things. She did manage to tell me during out last phone "visit" that she does not know who I am. This too is to be expected. Unfortunately, mom has never been able to understand virtual visits, so that is not an option. I just don't know whether to continue calling to talk to her. On her unit, the staff answers the phone and takes it to the residents. More often than not, mom ends up getting upset because she cannot communicate, even if she was having a "good day" prior to the call. Then the staff has to deal with the aftermath of my call. And now that mom doesn't know who I am, I can't imagine she needs to hear from me. A big part of me still wants to call to hear her voice and tell her I love her. And, of course I feel like I'm abandoning her if I don't call. But if it mostly upsets her, and makes more work for the staff, then I feel like I'm being selfish by calling. I did tell staff I likely would not continue asking to talk to mom for all the reasons I've explained above, and I asked if I could call them just to check on her. They of course said I could do that any time. I would just like to hear from you folks as to whether you would continue to try to talk with mom. Thank you so much for sharing your hard-earned wisdom. Hugs to you all!

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I suggest you buy a stack of picture postcards, write loving notes (they can we very short) attach stamps and drop one in the mailbox every few days. I know you won't hear her voice, but you can bring her pleasure - every few days, a new postcard and she can revisit them whenever she feels like it. COVID or not, this is a very positive project.
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I'm the in-town daughter, and my sisters live out of state. Lately, they report that phone conversations are difficult - my mom often responds completely off topic or even in nonsense words, or sometimes just falls asleep. I take my laptop over once a week and we have a zoom chat. My mom still doesn't respond much, but my sisters tell me it comforts them to "see the top of her head," so I don't mind the extra effort.
I know it would be even more effort for the nursing home staff, but could you send a tablet to your mom and have the nursing home staff set up regular video-chats. It might comfort you and be less distressing for your mom.
Also, consider if it is the phone call or the topics you talk about that upset your mom. We take care not to ask my mom to recognize us or remember past events. We might talk about the weather or working in our gardens or some quilting (my mom used to quilt) or house decorating we have done, just anything she might have been interested in that doesn't demand a lot of cognitive work to listen to.
If you do feel that it is best not to try to communicate with your mom, maybe you could ask the staff to regularly text you a photo or short video so you can see how she is doing. Being able to see our loved ones, even if it is just a photo, can be very comforting.
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Melissa,

IMHO, at this point you need to do what makes you feel comfortable.

You don't want to be left with the question "should I have done more ?"

I care for my Aunt long distance. She also has AD. Last week for the first time, she didn't know who I was.

Although I am heartbroken, I know I am doing everything I can for her. I will keep calling periodically, but if she continues to not remember me I will save myself the pain and just keep caring for her behind the scenes!

(((Hugs)))
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You still should call here and accept that you might be having a one sided conversation and maybe not try to make it important whether or not she knows you, but just that you are someone who wants to make sure she is having a great day. You would feel better knowing that you still love her and she hears someone other than the voices around her. It is surprising how many people just want to hear someone who wants to talk to them. I have been called family by many people who aren't family simply because I was willing to talk to them.
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Does your mom have a picture of you? I’m thinking that the staff answering the phone could hold up your picture so mom could connect your picture with your voice. (Maybe her hearing isn’t as good as before.) Then I’d keep it light and short. “Hi, Mom. I’m just calling to wish you a great day. I love you! Talk to you soon!” Or “I’m just calling to wish you a good night. Sweet dreams, Mama. I love you!” After a couple of these calls, check with the staff. If your mom is still anxious after the calls, then quit calling. 🙏🏼☝🏼
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Your mom not knowing who you are could be the result of her memories being so far back in time now that she doesn't remember having children. Sometimes it can be lack of reinforcement, as in she couldn't see/talk to you in person enough to recall who you were. Given that her ability to express thoughts are so bad now, I suspect her "time" in life now is too far back.

Based on several "discussions" with mom, before visits were stopped, I knew she was living her life about 40+ years ago. I would have been an adult, so she still knew who I was. I have an OB and YB. Neither really visited, but she would ask if I'd seen or talked with one or the other at times. Eventually that stopped. Out of sight, out of mind! It was sad that they couldn't be bothered.

Due to her really bad hearing loss, she didn't have a phone. Once we were locked out, I had no way to see or talk to her. Even window visits wouldn't work, as the MC units look out into a garden area, not accessible from outside.

Anyway, as others have suggested, perhaps you can ask staff to take your call and you listen while they go talk to/interact with your mother. At the very least you would be able to hear her voice, the lack of which is distressing to you. If they have video capability as well, even better, because then you could see and hear her. This would help your distress without causing her any distress. It's worth a try anyway.

Cards sent to her might be okay. Staff could let you know how she reacts to them. If she isn't interested, you could still send them, but understand that she doesn't respond to them. If, as suggested initially, she has forgotten who you are, I would also avoid trying to push that on her. IF you don't recall having children and someone starts telling you they are your child, I would imagine that could be quite disturbing! If she likes the cards and accepts they are from someone who cares, that should be enough. Knowing they might brighten her day, even for a few minutes, it would be worth sending them.

Take what you can get. I tried a couple of "scheduled" visits, once around her birthday, outside in the nice weather, but between her bad hearing, bad eyesight, dementia, masks and distancing, I don't know that she even knew it was me. Two staff with with her, to assist with the cards and gifts. We were not allowed to have the cup cakes and ice cream while outside. They took them in for later (and when it was time to end the visit, they mentioned them and she was gung ho to go back in!)

I DO know that she still remembered me, because while delivering some supplies, a staff member took my pic and showed it to mom. She asked why I didn't come in to visit. She thought I didn't want to see her. THAT was heartbreaking.

After her first stroke, I scheduled another visit, indoor in an area devoted to allowing one-one visits. However, in addition to her other issues, she'd had the stroke, so it isn't clear she knew who we were! My one regret is not breaking the rules, taking the mask off and getting up close to her. The second stroke, several months later, took her from us, before the vaccines were available and before we could start visiting again. I was allowed to be with her then, but she was beyond capability to communicate. She seemed to be trying to smile a few times, so I can only hope she knew I was there. :-(
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is always heartbreaking, but the circumstances around covid just make it gut-wrenching. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. Sending you thoughts for comfort and peace.
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Life is short call whenever you want to. An alternative is to have a staff member call you for a face time virtual call where you can just “watch” mom for awhile. Also have the staff member call you where can say good night and/or good morning to mom.
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I’ve said this before, but it might help you too. Get a lot of cards or postcards, and post one every few days. Write something nice in each one. You probably know if there are lots of ledges in your mother’s room, where they can all be stood up. If not, see if you can get a pinboard installed in her room where she can see it from her bed or chair.

We did this for MIL, and she just loved it. The staff made a big deal each time a new card arrived in the post, and they often read the messages again to her. 'In the post' meant more to her than the electronics. The pictures on the postcards were a good starting point for conversations. I had a book with cut-outs of cards of Victorian children, all dressed up in old fashioned frills and laces, and she ended up with every single one of them on show.

It doesn’t really matter whether mother realises that they are from you, although the staff will say so. It can make her happy, help the staff with something to talk about, and make you happy to know that you are sending your love so regularly.
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MelissaPA2AZ: I believe that you are doing the right thing by not continuing to call. You're very astute in knowing that it puts your dear mom through a test with a mind that is broken. Prayers sent, dear lady.
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That is a painful dilemma. I’ve experienced similar. Before Covid, I visited my mother every single day for five years from Assisted Living to Memory Care. I tried through the window visit twice. Both times disaster and nurses had to give her anti-anxiety med after. I have FaceTimed a few times, but it’s confusing for her. The last several months, I have chosen not to call. It was a difficult decision, but I feel ultimately is the best thing for her. Even though my heart aches for her, hopefully I will be able to reunite in person next month. I guess I would like to say to you that there is no correct answer. Blessings to you.
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
Thank you so much for sharing. This darned disease, combination of diseases really with covid, is just so stinking painful for everyone. Sending you prayers for strength and comfort too.
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My dad moved into memory care after my mom died. I was also out of state. I tried calling him but it was just too confusing for him. I’d have to explain who I was. Sometimes he’d understand for a minute then I’d have to repeat. So I ended up calling and talking to nurses and aids a couple times a week to check on him, see if he needed anything etc.

Id make the long drive for a visit every couple months. Sometimes he knew me, sometimes not.

It was all very hard but you have to do what is best for the elder. I hated to confuse and upset my dad. There was nothing to be gained by him from these awkward phone calls.
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Melissa, I just want to add one more thing, for all those saying Oh Call Your Mom!!! Please don't apply YOUR rules of 'normalcy' to a disease like Alzheimer's which robs a person of all aspects of normalcy. Dementia & AD sends error messages to the brain of the afflicted; telling them things that aren't true, like 'Melissa is a stranger or a bad person, and she upsets me when she calls.' That is your mother's 'normal' now. Which is what YOU have to respect, and put 'normalcy' aside. It's the same when people tell you Oh Never EVER Lie to Your Mother, It's WRONG! Well, that's applying rules of normal life to a condition like dementia where lying becomes REQUIRED in order to keep the person calm and happy.

Before giving advice about dementia, everyone should learn all they can about it and THEN offer advice.

Melissa, the rule of thumb is this: do whatever it takes NOT to upset your mom and to keep her happy, THAT is the only goal here.
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
This is such a helpful reminder! Thank you so much.<3
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I would call, but keep it short and sweet. Don’t bother trying to get her to understand who you are - she may be beyond that point now. Keep your voice cheerful and loving. Tell her you are calling to tell her how much you love her and are thinking about her. And that you’ll call again soon.

Even though she can’t talk to you and can’t vocalize who you are, she may still know that you are someone important in her life, even if she’s not sure how. Hearing “I love you” is always a good thing”.
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
Gold point. I may try this. It takes just a few seconds to say I love you.
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Please consider calling your mom. Hopefully, she can get video calls which may be more helpful than just audio calls. Show her pictures. Sing songs to her. Reminisce about her past - the past she remembers. If she can not recall who you are, she will understand that you are a person who cares about her - and that should be good enough. Don't regret not having contact while you can.
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Yes. You should still call and talk to your mom. She may not be able to talk but she can still hear so, just call to chat to her. Let her know you'll be the one talking and she can justisten
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This isn't about you, but about your mom now. What's best for HER and her emotional wellbeing moving forward. If your calls upset her, why would you want to continue calling her? It's for YOUR sake, and that's understandable, because you love her. But if it's going to cause angst for her, then you have to back off in my opinion. Call the nurse, ask HER how mom is doing. See if she can Facetime you w/o mom even knowing she's doing it, so you can 'lay eyes' on your mother and feel like you've had a 'visit' without actually upsetting her.

My mother lives in Memory Care too, and we have a standing appointment for a window visit every Sunday at 1:15 pm. Maybe you could arrange a 'standing visit' with your mom's MC too.........whereby they go into your mom's room and film her via Facetime (or whatever) for a few minutes while you watch on your end of the phone. They may be very willing to do that for you, just ask.

I know how dreadful this whole scenario is, I deal with it daily myself. Every day is a new issue where my mother is upset about something and lately it's that she really lives 'elsewhere' and feels 'out of place' in her own apartment where she's lived the past 2 years. Sigh. I hate ALZ/dementia with every ounce of my being and pray for God to come take my 94 y/o mother home daily. It's too much for her and there's no quality of life left now.

Wishing you peace as you try to navigate a difficult path.
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
Thank you for sharing. Such a painful journey we are all on. My heart goes out to you too.
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I'm sorry for your dilemma. I can't imagine how hard it is. The call distresses her but not hearing her voice is distressing to you. One thing in your favor is that she will forget her distress, but she is still distressed.

Other than to say I liked the idea previously given of a call to a staff member who could be with your mother so you can see and hopefully hear her voice as you interact with the staff seems the best solution if staff is willing.

My heart goes out to you, my father died before he got to the point he didn't recognize his family members. May you find peace during this time.
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When someone is "gone" and can't communicate and can't do even a slightly normal thing and gets upset when attempts are made, let go. It is destroying you emotionally and with guilt and you did nothing wrong and it is upsetting to the patient. Send some nice cards she can look at and keep checking with the staff. I would NOT call if it were me.
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Call & see if there’s a way to leave a FaceTime phone on charger there so you can call the nurses first then call that phone. Ask what time is best to do it daily. Their job is to make the residents be content & comfortable. If you feel like they think it’s a burden on them then you should consider moving your mom to a more compassionate care center. Mom’s with memory care don’t have to know how to talk to feel the security & warmth in a voice they’re familiar with. Sometimes she might know you. Even if she cries at the end it was good for her to not feel alone. You have to do it. Good luck.
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If you know anything she enjoys, or used to enjoy, try sending pictures. Flowers, balloons, babies, animals, fancy dresses, wedding pictures. Perhaps that will trigger happy associations. Also, she may recognize pictures of you as a child, or her house, or her town. The old memories are the last to go. You love her and she loved you, that is still somewhere. You hold onto the old memories as well.
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Well, except that apparently for this individual lady and confused soul, the calls are not beneficial but distressing.

As a worker who would happily spend a full hour supporting a phone call if it would make my client's day better, I will say that solely for the reason it is distressing for your mother and for no other reason, I would discontinue the calls.

By keeping in touch with the staff, if your mother should have a better day or a brighter spell you'll hear about it and can always change your mind; I would also ask the staff to ask *her* if she would like to call you (just possible it might be easier for her if she initiates it); and do start or continue to send her cheerful, easy to read written messages and pictures.
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I would definitely call, not spending time trying to make her understand who you are, just a brief call to let her know you’re thinking of her and love her. Human contact is good for the soul, even in a confused person. Maybe alternate talking to staff only and mom, and relying on their guidance when it’s a bad time for her. All nursing home residents need people who care and check in, it often helps them to get better care. I wish you peace in this, it’s so very hard to see a mom in this situation. She’s blessed to have you
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why not ask staff to take a video or FaceTime w/ a staff person and they can turn the camera to ur mom while ur mom interacts w/ the staff...u can see her and hear her voice w/o triggering an incident ?
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You answered your own question with "she gets upset". I don't think you should do anything but check in with staff. Let them know you send her love and if she mentions you, they are free to call, but that you will refrain from upsetting her. How hard this must be for you. I am so sorry.
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ShirleyB Mar 2021
Your answer is right on the button. I live in the "independent living" section of a senior housing complex. If I ever get moved to the "assisted living" or "memory care" section and don't know my 6 children or my grandkids, I hope they will just check in with the staff often to make sure I'm ok, but not try to talk with me if it upsets me, which would then also upset them. From what I've observed here, the people who are in the other 2 departments love to get little gifts and some enjoy receiving colorful cards...especially the colorful ones really designed for children. Sometimes their family visits just upset them and it takes the rest of the day for the staff to scrape them off the ceiling. I know this all sounds harsh and unloving, but it's just the way it is. If a parent gets upset for any reason, what's the purpose of the visit? Loving a parent doesn't mean you must visit...especially if it upsets them. Don't go on those miserable guilt trips...they serve no one.
God bless all of you.
Shirley
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Moving my mom from assisted living to memory care has made it sooooo much harder to window visit and talk on the phone. She does still know me, but I never know what her mood is going to be after I make an appointment 24 hrs in advance, drive an hour, call the caregivers to get her to her room, in her chair, and hand her the house phone, and I'm allowed only a half hour, 10 minutes of which is taken up getting her to the window. One day she would not even look at me or get out of bed for the visit. She doesn't understand the the phone that they give her. She no longer is allowed her own phone in her room. I had her use the old style princess phone in assisted living, the kind you pick up and say "hello". No buttons. Eventually she won't know me. I understand that and I don't know how I'll feel about going through the hoops just to talk to someone who does not know me, but I'll most likely still go and call, just not as often. I guess it will depend on whether or not she will wish to talk to someone she does not know.
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Call, and ask the staff to tell her that her daughter called to say hello.
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I have the same situation with my mother. The last year, plus health issues, have led to a significant decline with her dementia. I'm not sure she even knows who I am now. She won't talk -- or listen -- on the phone now, so calls are out, and I feel bad wasting the staff's time making them sit there with her while I have a futile window "visit" as she stares off into space. Honestly, face-to-face visits where I can be right in her face is the only thing that works. She can't see or hear otherwise.

I asked the staff to send me pictures of her every couple of days, and they've been happy to do that. I just need to get my eyeballs on her to make sure she's doing OK, and that helps my peace of mind. Her nursing home also has set up "GrandGrams," which are emails we can send to our loved ones. One of the staff members will read the email to her and they blow up the pictures I attach so she can try to see them.

Right now, that's the best I can do.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 2021
Love the idea of sending pictures. You’re blessed with a kind staff
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call after you mail her a card with pictures... Hi mom... did you get the package I sent you? send her lil treats for caretakers etc, and pictures of you and family... :)

Make the calls short and sweet... ask the staff if she is coherent enough to take a call.
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I don’t have any advice to offer but just wanted to express my support for you in this sad situation. Your mom is lucky to have such a kind, thoughtful daughter. 😊
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MelissaPA2AZ Mar 2021
Thank you for your kindness.
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I would still call, but if you have to, just explain that you're a friend of hers who wants to keep in touch with her.  

I personally think most people in a similar situations still need contact with others, even if they don't recognize who they are.
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