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I have been having a harder time than normal taking care of my mother. She seems to be going downhill, but I don't know how much is real and how much is make-believe. She looks so tired and each step she is taking is like it is going to be her last. She talks about how bad she feels. But if we go to church or to get her hair done, she perks right up. Then she gets home and slips back into the barely living mode.

Yes, it sounds like depression. We've tried some antidepressants. Those that do any change at all make her hypomanic and obsessive, which is more nerve wracking than the depression. The obsessive activity wears her out, so she looks very bad when she is hypomanic. If I give her an extra Ativan, it helps her mood, but she doesn't get enough Ativan each month to do that often.

I'm having problems knowing what to do. I don't know if she is really nearing death. Her vitals say no, she isn't. Going somewhere helps for a while, but it's worse when we get back. I'm starting to worry about leaving her alone when I have to do things, but when I get back she is always fine.

I know she is getting older and closer to death, but I suspect she is dying more in her mind than she is in her body. It is so, so hard to live with someone who is spending each moment dying. I have a feeling there's nothing more I can do, since I do so much already. I just wish there was some way besides Ativan that I could make her want to enjoy life, instead of spending the last of it focused on dying. I hope that makes sense.

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I get the feeling I need to call in the troops, but there are no troops to call in that would come.
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Just sorry it is such a hard place. Make time for you that is brighter, you care about others so much.
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I'm sorry to hear your situation it's so hard...I can relate so well. I don't know how to cope very well...I have been worn down from this. My Mom does the same as in looking like her last step and then when someone else comes, anyone else, she gets up and practically runs! I just wanted to comment, you are not alone.
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Oh, Jessie I am so sorry, this would be very difficult. Has yourmom been evaluated for hospice?
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Jessiebelle, I'm not familiar at all with your mom and your interactions. Do you have a senior center in your area? Here on island, we have the senior center community - for the active seniors. And we also have a senior center for those with dementia (which has a very long waiting list.) Are you able to take your mom to the senior center, accompany her for a while until she makes new friends? Then you can just have her go - like only in the mornings. Nothing too exhausting. Or do they have Bingo Nights (like here on island.) All the seniors just love to go there. They are ferocious in trying to win. It sounds like your mom is depress because all she does is stay home. Yet, when she goes out, her health issues pop up. So, just build her up slowly. May just start off one hour, once a week (or twice a week.) Seniors will have much more fun with others of their own age - or others who are Not family and definitely Not their caregiver. Just imagine yourself as a teenager and your mom tries her best to be "best friends" with you. You don't want to be best friends with your mom in shopping, eating out, going to the movies or beaches. You want to be with your own friends. And when among friends, you let yourself go of the restraints that we have when among family. (rolling eyes - cuz these older ones like to make sexual innuendos!)

Health-wise, like you said, is difficult since your mom likes to pretend. So it's hard to determine when she is and when she's not. Has she had her annual physical done yet? If not, maybe it's time to make an appointment (and then let the doctor know of your concerns.) If she has, then - like Glad said - hospice evaluated?
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Thanks, everyone. My mother is a bit of a hermit, which may sound strange because she also likes attention. It is hard (i.e., impossible) to get her interested in doing things that she isn't used to doing. We can go to church, get her hair done, or go to familiar restaurants. Even the latter two things she will try to back out of sometimes. She likes to stay in her pajamas and watch TV all day. A lot of it, I believe, is because she feels so bad. I don't think she is close to death yet. Her vitals are still strong and she can still take care of her ADLs. We go to the doctors a lot.

I feel a lot of sympathy with her. What I think she is missing is any sense of joy. Maybe it is why she likes the Waltons. She would probably love to have a family like that, but didn't know how to build it when she was younger. So she is pretty much alone except me. Unfortunately, she can be very ugly with me and exasperates me completely.

I know there is really no answer. I feel like we're waiting for God, but it is a long and stressful wait. I know there's not really much more I can do. She's not ready for hospice, but she isn't interested in living, either. Probably a lot of people are in the same slowly sinking boat with me. It is hard to watch someone fade away, particularly when you know so much of it is psychogenic. I talk to her about it, but she discounts anything I say as being unknowing. I'm still a child in her mind.

I like problems that have answers. I don't think there are any for this problem except changing Mom's mindset to look for enjoyment in her own life.
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Jessie, you are a pillar of strength, wisdom and devotion. I've often wondered how you can always be so cheerful, so devoted, so helpful, soo...well, always upbeat.

I think that sometimes just trying to maintain that approach can be wearing. It is an extremely demanding task, often with no or little appreciation, and it's emotionally and physically draining.

I think one of the most difficult aspects to recognize and accept, even though we probably know it subconsciously, is that we are caregivers but not totally responsible for those aspects we can't give, or generate: attitudes, depression, will to live, motivation, and more. Yet I think we often feel that we need to provide everything for our parents, or at least be responsible for addressing all their issues, moods, outlooks, etc.

Perhaps understanding and defining those different areas is necessary to maintain balance between obligations to ourselves and obligations to our loved ones.

Yesterday was one of those days when I had to keep telling myself that there are things that I can't influence and I can't allow myself to become upset over them. Regardless of how much I try, regardless of what persuasions I use I'm not going to be able to change the situation. Yet I can't accept the wa it is as it's not healthy. So what do I do?

You're in the same position, I think.

Reaching that balance between what we can do and what we can't (and need to just accept) is a treacherous journey marked by self-doubt, self-recrimination, questioning, evaluation, frustration and sometimes despair. It's a bad road to take. If I could do it over, I would choose a less treacherous road, but I didn't know then what I know now.

I don't know if I can really make any suggestions, other than to try to focus on what you can effect and control, and what you can't. And remember the inevitable law of mortality; it ends sometime....we can make the journey better, safer, more pleasant, but we never really know when that journey will end and we'll suddenly be released from the emotional conflicts accompanying the journey.
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Jessie,

Take a break, right now! Go for a walk, watch and listen to the birds, watch the butterflies....and tonight, watch for the fireflies and marvel at the infiniteness of the night sky.
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Thank you, GA. I am really just a normal person that is in an unfortunate circumstance. I know of the options for myself, but none of the options seem the best. I do try to keep my spirits up, but it is easy to be in despair when living with someone whose motto is "Nothing matters and what if it did?"

I know there is nothing more I can do. I can try to get her to do more than I do now, but I think it is better to take the focus off her. I think that is what you are trying to say, GA. Thanks. (I'll have to put off the walk until it cools down some. What does sound good is to go to an ice cream parlor and kick back with a cone. But sigh, then I would start thinking about the calories and my thickening waist. Why do good things have to be so fattening?)
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Jessie, you can always work out tomorrow. Day is a day for a treat - if you don't get a cone, get a Dairy Queen; I think they're a little bit healthier. And, oh, what flavors in the Blizzard range! ...pecan turtle cluster, French silk pie (are you getting hungry yet?), banana split blizzard, strawberry cheesecake blizzard, (are you out the door yet?) ... besides, you'll be helping Warren Buffett make more money.

Sometimes a bit of sugary food makes things seem better, or at least not so worse.

I think you're right about the options though - these caregiving situations are often not a choice of what's best, but what's the least worst option? Maybe that's a better way to view the situation - identify the worst case options and move backward to find something better.

Sometimes I think that when people reach a certain age, after a variety of health issues as well as the slow down that accompanies aging, they just decide to sit back and glide toward the end. We the caregivers are the ones suffering the angst over what can be done to help them.

Now, go have that ice cream and do some exercise tomorrow when it's cooler.
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I can relate to you JessieBelle, my mom seems closer to the Valley than yours but we also seem to be just waiting for God. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that there is nothing I can do to make it better. I can't make her favorite food or interest her in news or a TV show or talk family gossip because she just isn't interested. She doesn't even care if her basic physical needs are met, as long as she gets her pain meds she doesn't complain or ask for anything. She exists in her personal limbo land and I have had to accept that all I can do is wait with her and be a witness to her journey.
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When my mom was living, I,too, would get upset if she seemed unhappy . My hubby would repeatedly tell me I wasnt responsible for her happiness. I know how you feel, and it must be really difficult because you are with your mother so much.Maybe when people are a certain age, they get tired of living. Sounds like you're doing your absolute best. I wonder if you do anything for yourself, like going out with friends.
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Jessie, it does seem like a long, dark night. But we are always here to listen. We are kindred spirits. I'm starting to wonder if you have my mom's twin. ; - }
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At the moment I'm avoiding her. We're having vegetable soup for dinner. I brought her tea to her, then got her soup ready. She looked at the soup and started complaining that she didn't want that much. The way she said it was awful, like I'd done something wrong. I told her to just eat what she wanted and throw the rest away. She headed to the garbage and threw some away right then. It was so rude. All I could do is tell her that she could enjoy dinner by herself this evening. I'm back in my room now, enjoying my yummy vegetable soup. It is thick with vegetables and meat. Unfortunately, much of it will be smelling up the garbage this evening, so I'll have to take it out tomorrow morning.

People shouldn't have to live this way.
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Jessie, I was worried that your mother would do what my dad did - when he didn't want the vegetable soup for dinner. He threw the whole bowl across the room and the soup splattered while flying. I gave up, sat on the chair and stared at him. I had reached the point that I was NOT going to pick up his mess. It will just have to remain on the floor all night, all day, etc.. until Somebody cleaned it up. It was either that or walk out and not come back. Perfect timing, my niece dropped by unannounced and cleaned up the mess.

Before this happened, dad and I would have a yelling fest. That throwing of the bowl was something NEW in his behavior. And I refused to be degraded by bending down and cleaning his mess. I know this game. I've had it done to me on my previous job. Boss threw the trash on the floor and then ordered me to pick it up and throw it in the trashcan. I did. The whole office went quiet as everyone watched it played out. As I bent down to pick up the trash, he continued to throw more trash on the floor. You see, I kept standing up to him and refusing to do a job that was NOT what I signed up for. From office work to going to the shipping port, ensure the big tuna fishing company packed the fish right, follow them to the airport cargo. If the container breaks apart at cargo, it's not the airline's employees job to re-tape it. That would have been MY job. Hello???? I did Not sign up to do that kind of job. And he didn't like it. He was 'teaching me a lesson.' I went home that night, typed my resignation letter and gave it to him the next day. I gave him the usual 2 weeks notice of termination. He kept asking me to please stay on until he found my replacement. No. 2 weeks and I'm gone. On my last day, he still didn't find a replacement.

I love vegetable soup - with some meat in it, though.
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That sounded like one mean boss. I'm glad you left. He was treating you without any respect at all. I've read some of the things about your father. He sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. Was he always so difficult? It is amazing that he could have raised such a caring daughter. Your mother must have been a good one, to counteract some of the damage.
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We grew up from a very very dysfunctional childhood. Mom wouldn't let him lay a hand or foot against us 5 girls. Dad had free rein with the 3 boys. He would punch them hard enough to knock them to the ground and then proceed to kick them repeatedly with his work steel-toed shoes. We dreaded going to parties or anywhere public. He would yell at us and call us names. We were quite good at avoiding our school mates. But mom was just as abusive to us as dad. 8 kids. If one of us got in trouble, we all had to line up and wait our turn for the thick leather belt. one, two, three, four, five spankings that matched every single verbal anger spewing from her mouth. Dad would purposely piss off mom. She would get so mad, she attacked dad with the butcher knife. He would lock himself in the bathroom, laughing so hard, teasing angry mom. All 8 of our kids watched mom attacking the bathroom door.

Worst of all, I and my younger sisters have almost no memory of our childhood.
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Forgetting sometimes is the most merciful thing. I know I've had two very traumatic events in my life and I can only remember the most bare sketches of what happened. We're probably lucky that we weren't in the "died young" category.
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Book, I can't even imagine growing up with such mental and physical abuse, yet despite it all you have remained at your core a caring, decent person. And Jessie, I think you also are caring for someone who has at times been less than loving?
(((HUGS))) to both of you, and all the others who have managed to rise above their personal challenges and become "good people". While is is not easy to watch those who once loved and cared for us crumble and disappear before our eyes, to care for those who may not deserve your love and devotion must earn you a special place in the hereafter.
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Often when you are living with someone in this sad decline, you are the one who needs some respite help. Asking a family friend, someone from her church or even a caregiver from Home Instead to take time with your Mom and be a companion while you get a break. Taking care of yourself is very important and will make you a better caregiver.
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cwillie, when I go through the days feeling angry because of different things, I feel more like I'm charting my course to h*ll in the hereafter. Instead of angel wings, I am getting horns sprouting out.

I think the lesson I'm learning in working through this is that we can't live life for another person. We can accommodate their physical needs and do things for them that they will do. If they're not going to be happy, though, we can't devote our lives to trying to make them that way. It won't work. All we'll do is make ourselves unhappy. There's only so much we can give.

Book had it much worse than me. My mother and father were kind of nothing. They put food on the table and got us off to school. The rest was up to us. I guess you would call it nearly complete neglect. I don't know if they could have done any better. Both had some serious mental issues they never dealt effectively with.
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Jessie on the theme of people become more like themselves the older they get your Mom's mental problems have come to the surface and she is hiding from them with her inactivity and constant negative behavior. Complaining about the soup which from past experience she knew would be delicious she was exerting the tiny bit of control she still has in her life. Most people would have eaten what they wanted and put the rest in the fridge but Mom decided she would show Jessie who was still boss.
You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her behavior just like Book did.if that is what helps.
Is it you who has the rabbit? Would having another pet like a very small dog take her interest. You could take it to the ice cream stand and have it eat half that would cut down your callories and get you out for some needed exercise.
I know she is unpleasant at times probably most of the time but she just does not have the desire or skills to change her ways. Why should she she gets all her basic needs met and being able to piss you off is her last little bit of control. You sound like an excellent caregiver you are just unlucky not to have a sweet little old lady rocking by the fireside waiting for the paper so she can read the obits and then the funnys and after that waiting for her beautiful dinner served on a Dresden plate with a small glass of whine. Well we can all dream can't we?
Another point about your parents, you say they both had unresolved mental issues well now there is no one to cancel her out and no sparing partner to take her agression out on so you are next in line. not helpful but i think if youcan figure out what is causing something it makes it easier to figure out a way to deal with it. You are not going to h*ll and horns are not allowed on A/C because they won't fit in our helmets.
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Jessie, I think that caregivers often become the brunt of an elder's anger just because we're there, we're relatives, and are convenient targets. They wouldn't try those rude stunts with medical people or at church. And she's probably angry at her stage in life and hasn't found a way to channel it positively. I think that's one of the keys of elder anger - development of successful anger management techniques and channeling them away from the caregiver.

And from some of the posts on here, it's pretty clear to me that some caregivers also channel their anger directly at the people for whom they're caring.

These caregiving situations are like lightning in a thunderstorm - it's likely going to strike, the question is where, can it be rechanneled and how can the parties involved protect themselves?

I noted your mother perks up and behaves differently when she gets her hair done or is at church. I'm not sure if that's because she really does enjoy the socialization, or because she wants to demonstrate that she's still a great person.

Either way, I'm wondering if there's some way you could increase her social interaction, notwithstanding the fact that she's generally a hermit.

Perhaps you could invite some of the women you know from the senior center over for coffee or lemonade, and serve a light lunch as well. I rather doubt your mother would throw food around when they're there. They might be kind of your "troops" to help create a more congenial atmosphere in which your mother can "showboat".

Remember too that you're not alone. I daresay that most caregivers have gone through situations when their charges have been rude or unkind to them, for whatever reasons. It's unfair and it's hurtful.

Don't let your mother's responses and manipulation drag you down. Think of how many people post here with issues that clearly demonstrate their disinterest in taking care of their parent(s). You've gone way beyond what would be expected for a daughter.

And above all, don't forget that you're providing her with the best care possible for this stage of her life. Just doing that in and of itself is worthy of praise. Now, pat yourself on the back!
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Love that about the helmets, Veronica. I am having to drill holes in mine to fit over the horns. :)

Today started on a bad note. Mom took her bp when she got up. It was 173/83. She wanted me to take her to the doctor right away. I told her it wasn't a good bp, but not an emergency. She got angry that I didn't go into emergency mode. I did call her doctor's office a few minutes later to schedule some lab work for her UTI next week. She has a slight bladder infection and is on cipro. Fortunately, the UTI hasn't put her over the edge this time. I don't think it is contributing at all to her emotions.

I thought about her alarm over her bp this morning. My mother is a major hypochrondriac. We went to the doctor Monday and she has asked to go three days since then for various reasons. I think I understand it better now. I believe she feels that if she can control her body's numbers and feelings then she will continue to live. So she obsessively inventories herself for problems and takes her vitals several times a day. A little deviation can put her into emergency mode. For example, she'll take her sugar and see it's 200 and alert me she needs to see a doctor. I'll tell her she ate something an hour before, so it's not unusual for it to be higher. Sometimes I wish she would stop dwelling on herself and just live a little, instead of worrying about the grim reaper.

I'm getting ready to go out for the afternoon just to get away and get some exercise. It is still okay to leave her alone. I have sympathy for the people who can't leave without getting in a caregiver. THAT would be hard.
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GA, I am to the point where I just can't do anything more than I'm doing. I work from home, clean the house, do the landscaping, and do all the errands. Trying to schedule anything else would have to be done in my respite time. Like this afternoon -- this is the first chance I've had to get away this week. Me time, instead of tea time. :)

We do want to do things to make them happy and entertained, but after a while we learn it doesn't work. After a few up moments, it's back down right away, often lower than it was before. If a person is unable to be happy, nothing we can do will make them that way. So we do the best we can and hope we don't get lost in the unhappiness ourselves.
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Jessie, my apologies. It wasn't my intent to add to your burdens.

I think the second paragraph of your last message sums up the situation in which many of us find ourselves. There's only so much that can be done, things will never be perfect, and we need to find some level at which we accept that we've done all we can.

Enjoy your respite time!
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GA, no need to apologize. We do have the need to want to make things better. I think that's what keeps us trying. After almost 6 years, though, we figure out that this is as good as it gets. Sad thing was that it took me so long to figure it out. Must have had my helmet on too tight. :-D

Out the door to enjoy myself on this warm southern day.
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Oy. Went out the door with her telling me that I just don't care at all what happens to the house because I didn't want to call the city today about clearing the bank. Came home to her saying I need to call the foundation people about fixing the floors. All is well, but life is a project. Someone just shoot me. Where's my helmet? Ouch, I chipped my horn.
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Here is my best offer for today, JesseBelle: The next time Mom demands to see the doctor about a temporary spike in her B/P, tell her the doctor gave you explicit instructions not to call for that unless she passes out.
Then, to take her worry away, re-take her B/P in 5-10 minutes, be sure to tell her she must have taken it wrong.
What kind of ice cream? Chocolate chip chocolate by Haagen-Daz, the best!
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Sendme - your dietary advice is FATTENING!! Medicating chronic stress and anxiety with food has severe long term side effects. I recommend crosswords and puzzles instead. OK, maybe some Skinny Cow or Gayle's Miracle chocolates and really, really good coffee to go with it.

But more seriously, JessieBelle, since the SSRI approach does not agree with her ask the doc about Buspar (buspirone) or even low dose benzodiazepine (Ativan is one, Tranxene, Valium, Xanax are others) to be used chronically. Or maybe if her heart could handle it, one of the old fashioned antidepressants that can be taken in low dose at bedtime. Anxiety and depression are both contagious and I'm worried the holes in your modified helmet might let some in. Give her some PJ days but not every day. Maybe you need a couple of PJ days too.
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