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So last week FIL with dementia in AL told us he wanted to move to a different facility because he wants better food. This week it turns out what he is really looking for is to go back to independent living. The past 10 months we have had multiple conversations of why he can’t go back to live in independent living. He’s been in AL since last May. We keep telling him that his mobility is an issue. He barely walks with a walker and at times needs help getting up from a chair. He also needs but refuses help with hygiene. He was recently told by the doctor that he has Dementia and does not accept this diagnosis. He says his “brain is as good as ever “. He is now on a crusade to prove he can live in independent living. He has recently agreed to PT and OT and says he is showering on his own (no proof). He still wears the same incontinence brief all day and leaks. He keeps complaining that he lived in independent living in Florida. We’ve told him that even Florida will not let him back into independent living. He won’t listen, FIL willingly moved near us when his wife died rather than be alone in Florida 1200 miles away. Even if she had not died, they both needed AL. They should not have been in independent living anymore. Hubby has durable POA. FIL thinks and acts as if he still calls the shots. He also asked for his checkbook “in case he needs to write a check”. I think he’s going to demand to go back to Florida to his independent living apartment. What do we say when we tell him it’s not possible to move to independent living? It doesn’t matter what state he lives in. He’s not rational. He’s going to blow up. He has never been nasty with us yet. But he has been verbally nasty to staff at the facility.-

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Hubby is POA.
Time to go to the attorney and make certain that the POA has everything currently needed so that the medical and financial issues can be managed by your husband.
Whether he blows up or not is not the issue. The bankers won't blow up when you show the POA papers, and your husband takes over the safe management of financial affairs.
It is important that your husband understand his fiduciary rights and duties now to safeguard and to be responsible for all funds in and out on a monthly basis and I will warn you that setting up all bills and presenting POA paperwork to all entities is going to be a bear of a job for a year.
This is all necessary. Don't expect Dad to be happy about it. He won't be. And that can't be fixed. His dementia necessitates this and the doctor agrees it is time, and will give you the paperwork you know. The lawyer is paid out of Dad's funds and covered.
You are correct. He isn't rational. And he won't ever be again. He has dementia.
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Way2tired Feb 2023
Hubby has durable POA already and takes care of all financials and paying all bills .
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Didn't you post this last week and received many answers?
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You can't get through to him because he has dementia. Does his current facility understand the level of dementia he has and that hubby is in charge NOT FIL? It is very common for those with dementia not to agree with the diagnosis. They don't know what they don't know and there's no changing that. And that's OK - they don't need to accept it. It just is what it is.

I would have hubby talk to his doctor about the addition of some kind of med to calm him down a bit.

He's going to be in denial and be unhappy. But he is safe and things are not going to change.

Hubby should tell dad that he can't find the checkbook. It's time to come up with some therapeutic fibs so that you have quick and vague answers to his complaints. Something about, we'll have to look into it. I don't really know how that would work. ETC. Blame things on his doctor.
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Way2tired Feb 2023
Thank you
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Any suggestions for calming FIL when he blows up ?
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polarbear Feb 2023
Sorry FIL, I see you're upset. We'll talk another time. Have a nice day. (Then leave, or hang up.)

Why stick around when he spews toxicity, then get yourself all upset, too?
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So he blows up.

So what?

He stays where he is until they kick him out, which will happen soon.

Until then, consider turning off your phones?

If he has dementia, there is ZERO chance of him "understanding".

Google anosognosia. You need either to ignore, redirect or simply say, "I need time to work on the logistics, dad". Or blame the doc or the facility.
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Forgot the bigger argument.
Zoom down & ask him what he specifically misses about Independent Living. Maybe there are some small changes that can be added to his life?

Or it may be even be he wishes he was young & more able again.. 😔

Maybe he's angry at Old Age?
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Way2tired Feb 2023
FIL says the facility thinks he is incompetent and that their philosophy is to take his independence away . He says his “brain is as good as ever “. He will never accept or admit that he needs help with anything . He will never admit he belongs in AL. He’s too far gone to get through to him . But therapeutic lies rarely work either yet. Sorry to say but we need him to get more confused , and hopefully therapeutic lies will work, but I doubt it . He’s a broken record .
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