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I was hoping I could keep my mother out of a nursing home but I am too young to retire and I don't have the skill to take care of her, nor is my single wide mobile home sufficient. Anyway she fell on February 7th and the EMTs came and took her to the hospital. On Feb 10th she was moved to a nursing home. I was able to talk to her then. I tried calling her on Sat the 11th and Sunday the 12th and finally talked to her that night but she was different. The I went to visit her on Wednesday and she had really changed in less than a week. I've been there a couple other times and some of my friends have gone to visit her. It really spooks me to go to the nursing home, to see my mother deteriorate and not be able to talk to her and to see her so disoriented in such a short time.

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Why not schedule a conversation with her doctor and find out what meds he/she has your mom on? If she were my mother, I'd want a list of what she's taking and why. Then I'd go home and do some of my own research to find out the side effects etc. about those drugs. I think when it comes to nursing homes, knowledge is key to making choices when you see things like you're describing. Also, I would be making friends with the people that are directly responsible for your mom's well-being. They're much more likely to tell you what you want to know when you're not wigged out about something and put them on the defensive. When my mother-in-law was in rehab in a nursing home, I would stop by the grocery store on my way out to see her and pick up a platter of cookies for them every single Friday. They were very appreciative, and took extra care in helping me when I would see something I didn't care for. And I've gotta say, visiting a nursing home leaves much to be desired. When I went to see her, I never knew what exactly they had just cleaned up in the hall. There were people hollering for no reason (found that out the hard way) and it freaked me out sometimes, but I was there to see her so I put my big girl panties on and did it. If your mother's able to get out for a ride in your car or lunch sometime, do it. They'll help you get her into the car and send a wheelchair along if she's able to be pushed around. It's not a prison. I'm sorry about your mom.
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I think everyone does......my mom is in a dementia care part of assisted living and our visits actually upset her and make her MORE agitated....making the situation even worse! However, we cannot be excpected to NOT visit her. I find myself walking around the parking lot avoiding the front door of the facility and leaving each time with a huge stomach ache. It's the feeling of not being able to help her, to make her more comfortable or happier that eats away at us, no? I got some advice from another "daughter" whose mom has been in this particular facility for 6 years. when I asked her "how do you ever get used to this?". Her answer to me was: "You don't, you just come her and you love her, and you leave."
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I feel badly for you and this situation. It is difficult going to a nursing home to visit our parents; I understand how you are uncomfortable. It is an adjustment for everyone concerned. Does your mother have dementia? It is common for the elderly to be disoriented in a new environment and takes a period of adjustment. My mother is in a nursing home, but has adjusted well; however not everyone does.

Before my father passed away, he had been in the hospital after surgery and was totally disoriented even in the hospital. The nurses said it was due to a what they refer to as "sundowning" which occurs usually later in the day when the elderly person starts getting confused. He continued to have it in rehab., but after a while, he was much better..

It is heartbreaking to see our parent in this condition. My heart goes out to you. But hopefully, your mother will improve after she becomes accustomed to her new environment..

This is a big adjustment for you as well; and you will feel more comfortable as time goes on. I brought so many of my mother's things such as pictures, prints on the wall that she likes; her bedspread, etc. Being surrounded by familiar belongings is comforting. I encouraged my mother to take part in all the activities offered at the facility. It took her some time, but she eventually did. Take care and hope things improve.
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I understand completely how you are feeling. First of all, there should be some sort of patient council or care conference for your mom, especially in the first few weeks after her admission. Her confusion may be drug related, "sun-downing" or maybe she's trying to protect herself by "checking out" and not facing reality.
Second of all, if someone tells you that you are not visiting enough or that you are not doing something right, tell them to take a big, deep breath and blow it out their ***. You are the one who knows what you can and cannot do and you need to be comfortable with yourself and your decisions.
The last entry had some great words of advice- "You come here and love her, and you leave" Just know that these words are easy to say, but it takes time to make them true for you. Jean
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I wouldn't worry about what other people are saying about how often you should visit. Who are they to judge for they are not in your shoes and do not know you whole life situation. I am sorry that she is in a NH and I would also try to find out what medicines the doctor has her on to see if that is causing her to be so disoriented. Plus, I would find out what the diagnose was of her fall. Of couse, this is what I would do and everyone is different and everyones circustance are different as well. With that said, don't let others tell you how you should feel or what and how much you should do for your mom. There are plenty of resources out their as well to help you deal with what you are going through during this crisis situation.
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I understand and feel for all of those who are not used to seeing a parent in a rehab/nursing home environment, especially a dementia care unit. I was that person a few weeks ago. My mother had one fall too many, was taken to the hospital and after a week quickly (too quickly) placed in a dementia unit of a nursing home for rehab.

This facility insisted on putting her on an anti-psychotic drug for agitation. Everyone is on one of the three drugs. There's a screamer on the floor - a drugged person who sleeps most of time but has bouts of screaming when she wakes up. It is unsettling to all the residents. The atmosphere is institutional, not at all homey, and the music and TV are on LOUD all the time. Residents are not allowed in their rooms alone except to sleep, so they cannot escape the noise.

Needless to say, I arranged for a transfer to another place which, although a locked unit, allows the residents to wander and go back to their room alone when quiet time is needed. The atmosphere is homey, lots of overstuffed chairs, a beautiful dining room and lots of therapy - PT, art, music, etc., all paid for by medicare and supplemental insurance. They take no "screamers," people with behavioral problems and will take my mother off her anti-psychotic drug if at all possible. At first she was "cuckoo" on the drug, but after about a week has regained her lucidity. Apparently, this is a common phenomenon with these drugs.

My mother will, hopefully, come home once she has gained maximum Physical Therapy benefit from the new place. I wish you the best of luck!!
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I remember how I felt when I first visited a NH in the '80's. The smell, the "screamers" (all NH have them - severely disoriented or demented people), and the occasional aide who's having a bad day and being abrupt with her patients. They are (mostly) better now, but it all goes along with the territory.
I gather that part of your guilt is there because you do love her and want to care for her. YOU ARE! Once your mother recovers from her fall and subsequent disorientation she may become more herself. At that time, usually within 3 months (and, by the way, that's all Medicare will pay for) she may be able to go to an assisted living facility or even home with hired caregiver help. The latter choice is the least expensive of the three and no matter where she is you will still be the one making sure she gets the proper care. Whatever caused the fall in the first place could happen again and no matter where she is - home, AL or NH she could fall again. If falling is the only problem it needs to be addressed directly, it is not cause to place one in a NH.
For now, with a little "attitude adjustment" on your part, visit her as much as you can. Go to the garden, or for walks (in her wheelchair if she has one), or to listen to the entertainment they bring in. Take chocolates (cookies, peanuts, whatever) a reward for both of you, and share with the staff. They will remember you and they know how difficult it is for you. If she doesn't respond to you she might be angry (you did the only thing you could do), or more likely she may be under the effects of some medication or combination of meds. Likely, she still looks forward to your visits and a change from the daily routine. Talk to her personal physician to get your questions answered about meds, cause of the fall, prognosis.
Yes, it's hard. I worked as a therapist in NHs for awhile and it took me a little time before I could walk in the door looking forward to the people I would interact with and not notice the unpleasant things. Hang in there and know lots of us care.
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It is very difficult to see your family member in that state. My mom has also changed too. I do not find it hard to see her but hard to say goodbye when I leave. She was very stubborn her whole life and now since the morphine she gets very confused, always want constant attention from the nursing staff and is very mean and hurtful sometimes. What I mean is she will sometimes pretend to act confused for attention and when I catch her up on it... Well she acts just like normal... I am not the only one who noticed it either.

She would always use her "house" as a way for me to take care of her and do her bidding and now that my husband and I are making it alright she is very jelous over not having any control anymore and very sneakingly mean.

Sorry to get off subject... just venting.... it does not get any easier.
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puckmomma, it is ok to vent! I am glad that you and your husband are making it alright. Her missing not having any control over you to do her bidding is her monkey not yours. It is sad that she chooses to be sneakingly mean, very passive aggressive sounding.

Nope, it does not get any easier to see them decline. My mother continues to get very confused about what season of the year it is and has these delusions of going on trips that she's not gone on in years, plus thinks because of those delusions that she can go to yard sales on Saturday as if she totally forgets that she cannot walk, nor has she walked in almost 3 years now, nor can function in a wheel chair. She used to be so in control and so controlling of me as a child through my years in college and it upset her when I let her know that I was putting my wife ahead of her. In many ways dealing with my MIL has been like dealing with my controlling mother who did not want her daughter to get married. I'm glad that my wife got her freedom and that I have mine. Basically, we come into this world weak and helpless and we leave this life weak and helpless.
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Well mom is into her 4th week of rehab and hospitals, she's been back and forth. She is so angry with me that I won't take her full time into my home to live with me. I have tried to explain to her that I can't physically take care of her needs, she refuses to hear it. I'm the daughter and that's just the way it should be according to her. I work full time and have one brother who she expects literally nothing of, not even for him to visit, as "he works". You can't make this stuff up, I've spoken to the social workers at the hospital and have suggested that either 24/7 livin in care would be needed or possibly a nursing home. Mom is just shutting me down completely. My husband who has had the patience of a saint with her has just about had enough, he doesn't want to visit her anymore either. I've stayed away for 2 days and last night got a sobbing phone call asking why I wasn't there. Not looking for any answers, just venting.
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