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I have recently come back to this forum for advice and emotional support (just reading others' stories is so helpful!) and I would like to get some general advice on how to balance helping my mother who is 82 with her physical needs (cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, etc.), taking her to appointments AND being a source of entertainment. I cannot do it all.


Have others developed a schedule? Written out some sort of plan of care? What you will and won't do?


After helping her meet her basic needs, I have no energy left to entertain her. I work full-time, and married, and travel for work. I don't have the time or the emotional energy to be her everything.


I am seeking support from a home health aid, but I don't have the financial means to have someone else do everything else and just see my mom for social visits. I have to help with a lot of the basics. And I get extremely frustrated with her because she is needy and manipulative. I lose my patience and she resents that I don't "do it all" willingly and with a smile.


Any and all advice is appreciated!

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Why does Mum need help with so much?

Where does she live, in her home IL, AL etc?

What means, IE, money/assets does Mum have?

What community based services are available? It does not matter whether or not Mum wants you to "do it all with a smile", you are not a slave and you are entitled to a life. Is there local medical transportation that can take her to appointments?

Yes, you need to make a list of what you are willing to do and what you are unwilling to do for her. You need to decide how much time you have available for Mum too.

There are so many grocery delivery services, that you do not need to do her shopping, except by clicking a mouse if you so choose. Mum can look into meal delivery such as Meals on Wheels, then you do not have to cook.

My former MIL was a real Pill when it came to grocery shopping. She wanted me to give up a couple hours each weekend (I only had one day off a week) so she could wander up and down every aisle of Walmart. I was not prepared to do that more than 2x a year. But each time I went shopping for my own groceries, I would call her and ask if she needed anything and I would drop it off. Nope, she did not need anything. One day her neighbour called me to ream me out because she did not have milk or bread. That was my last straw moment. I told him, I had called her the day prior and she did not need anything. I told her no more, either your sons take you shopping or you sign up for grocery delivery, I am done. She now loves the grocery delivery service.

My Mum wants to stay in her home. But now that step dad has died, she no longer has his pension contributing to the household, it is expensive for her. Yet, she has $300+K in equity in her house. If Mum sells her house, and she lived until 100 (15 years), not taking interest into account, she would have an extra $20,000 per year. More than enough for rent, travel etc.

I will not do anything to support Mum staying in her house. Because why on earth should I be out time and money, when she has more than enough assets to meet her needs? Plus when she does die, we have to sell the house, pay capital gains etc.

It is all about setting boundaries and sticking with them.

You can tell Mum you have 4 hours a week you can dedicate to helping her. She can decide what she would like you to do during that time. When the 4 hours is up, you stop. If you are at her house, you could easily do a couple loads of laundry, put away an order of groceries and watch a movie together for social time.
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Realizing you can't do it all is a small victory for you. Scheduling and planning is smart, but it won't prevent where you are headed with you mom...to possible (and probable) caregiver burnout.

You don't have enough info on your profile, particularly if you have a family of your own, how old you are, if you have a part or full-time job/career, etc. Most importantly: are you willing to be a full-time caregiver (with a smile or not)? Was THIS in your plan for your life? Did your mom ever ask you if you would be willing to give up an unknown portion of your life to be her nursemaid? You are under no obligation to cater to your mom's unreasonable expectation of personalized family-provided free care for herself. She has NO IDEA what impact this will inevitably have on you, and all because she doesn't want to transition to a care facility. Don't do it. Stop before you run yourself ragged and burnout. Visit some facilities to suss out quality, cost and availability. You will need a back-up plan. Good luck!
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Don't forget your mother managed without you up until recently. I think that supporting her physical needs is more than enough, the rest is not something you need to take on. (nor is it realistically possible)
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My Mom was not demanding. I wish she had been with my brothers. It was me she depended on when she did need something. TG she had Church and a circle of friends. When she stopped driving we set up one day for grocery shopping and running errands. I gave her a white board to keep track of what she needed.

If my Mom needed help with everything you have mentioned, she'd be in an AL. Especially if I had a job. I was never a source of entertainment. I don't like games or puzzles and either did Mom. Thats why an AL was good for Mom. People and activities.

Its not what you can afford, its what Mom can afford. If she has no money put aside, check out Medicaid and see if she can get an aide.

Mom should be capable to get herself breakfast and lunch. Dinners can be made ahead and frozen. She should be able to microwave them. Cleaning, how dirty can one person be. And laundry, the machine does the work.Wouldn't cost much to have someone come in once a month to dust and run the sweeper. Mom should be able to clean up after herself. When I worked f/t there is no way I could have taken care of two households.

Does Mom have an illness where she can't do for herself? Are you enabling her by doing what you are? Really, they need to do for themselves? The more you do the more likely they won't do? If ur 30 Mom can't be that old. Do you want to wait on her another 20/30 yrs. I read ur first posting. Mom is where she is because of choices she made. Don't feel u have to support her. If she needs money for bills, u pay them directly.

There are Swifter suppllies for cleaning. There's a floor mop that does a great job on hard floors. Dusting cloths with a handle for quickies. Light weight vacuums for quick pick ups. Paper plates. I used comforters for my girls beds with sheets to match. All they had to do was pull the covers, throw the comforter on and then the pillows, bed made. Bathrooms, Clorox wipes. Just wipe off everything every few days. Let the cleaning lady do a deeper clean when she is there. So there is dust.

You can't do it all.
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I don’t work outside the home and I worry that I don’t spend quality time with my 93 yo mom.

It seems that when she asks for an activity, it’s an “of the moment” thought that she wants to do “later.”

But we never get it synchronized. Either her “show” is just coming on, or I need clean up after dinner, or one or the other of us just doesn’t feel like it.

My way of managing the isolation of being virtually housebound is to do crafts projects and I read extensively, which are solo activities.

She sometimes complains about being lonely but when I go in to talk to her she’s waving her hand at me to be quiet so she can hear the tv. Face it, neighbors down the block can hear her tv but she can’t hear me.

As far as meeting her extraordinary needs, they seem to be spontaneous, labor intensive, time consuming events, that have to be dealt with and gone through, then we heave a sigh of relief when it’s over.

I don’t think I would manage all her basic needs and the chores and maintain the house if I had a full time job. I certainly couldn’t do any of it graciously.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are an angel for doing what you do. Pat yourself on the back. Go ahead do it now! You’ve got it coming.

charlotte
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early, you’re doing too much for sure, and I guess you mean hiring a CNA. Daily, for four hours? They’ll do errands, light food prep, light cleaning, all sorts. But the trick is - and I hope you’re more successful than I was - to make you mom understand that this ‘someone else’ must be leaned on and allowed to do these things instead of you, or her staying at home will not be sustainable. My mother let/made them sit there so I could do everything that was needed once I was there.

Use your expert management skills (you’ve clearly got them!) to see what her means will allow her to engage as far as assisted living (AL) facilities. With what you list, she’s pretty much at that level now. Wishing you the best.
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ArtistDaughter Nov 2019
My mom did that too sometimes, not ask the home care people for what might come up that she needed other than the list of duties and wait until I was there to ask.
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Excellent advice from Girlsaylor. The important thing is that you require her do the things you know she is able to do and set your boundaries -- and stick with them! Just like raising a child, if you don't adhere to your rules consistently, you'll be taken advantage of and your boundary will be permanently broken. My Alzheimer's sister is staying with me at the moment. I do the cooking and prepare her plate, but everybody cleans up after themselves and washes their own dishes. If she rinses them and tries to leave them in the sink, I gently tell her that the sponge is all soaped up for her or some other gentle reminder. Yesterday I was busy collecting the trash, cleaning up after dinner, folding towels. She had finished eating and when I walked by she asked if I wanted to take her plate. I flatly said no and carried on with what I was doing. That may seem a small thing, but she needs to be responsible for as much as she's capable of doing for as long as she can.

When I was raising a family and working, I made myself a calendar with one manageable chore per night. Larger things got scheduled once a month on the weekends. That way I didn't have to spend my whole weekend cleaning and I knew that everything was being addressed on a rotating schedule. At your mother's, if something gets done every two weeks or even monthly instead every week, so be it. Decide what is critical to be done and do the rest as you can.

Obviously, you're on to your mother's manipulative behavior and you just have to stand your ground. And you don't have to smile. Give yourself a break. We want to care for our loved ones, but it's not always going to feel good. That's okay. That's normal. DON'T FEE GUILTY! You're right -- you can't do it all! Learning to let it go and accept the negative comments is difficult, but it's the reality of where you are. When you lay your head on the pillow at night, know you've done your best. It's all we can do. Best of luck to you.
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I literally lost my mind trying to take care of my mom and her life during the first three years of her dementia diagnosis.  I finally wised up, sold her home and care and moved her into an AL facility.  Look into an assisted living facility for her that is close to your home.  She will get the care she needs and you will get your life back.  You will still have plenty to do for her, but you won't have to do it all.  The place I have mom has a doctor that comes in a couple of times a week so if she needs an appointment, she doesn't have to leave and I don't have to take off from work.  They administer her meds, flu shots, they have a portable xray machine, etc.  Look into it.  It will be a lot of work upfront but well worth it.
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Thanks all and sorry for the slow response. I had the inevitable blow up with my Mom thinking that I could do it all and a guilt trip from her that went too far and I blew my top. Now, I am turning to siblings (brothers, each two hours away) for some additional support. I am also going back to therapy. Dealing with a lifetime of emotional trauma and now having to manage my mother's needs while working full-time and trying to have my own life is utterly overwhelming.
I started a pick up laundry service -- we have grocery delivery, housecleaning, but there is more to be tackled. My primary focus right now is my own mental health, TBH. And setting firm boundaries with her -- reminding myself that her guilt trips and anger will NOT kill me.

Thanks to you all for your responses.
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In the beginning, I only hired housekeepers for my mom, but as her memory got worse, I hired home care for her and had a list of what they were to do for her each day, which involved giving her the lunch from the frig that I had pre-made, light housekeeping, groceries, and helping her with her bath. I suggested to them that every 20 minutes or so they should stop and just sit with her and talk, eat a snack, and try to get her to talk about something. My mom liked to talk about the past or the neighbors - in a good way mostly - as she watched them from the front window or the porch. She made up stories that were pretty interesting. Some of the care givers were really good with her and some were not. Some she liked and some she did not. I still had the majority of the work to do every morning and evening and the days no home care came. I was working full time at the beginning of caring for her. It was a lot and eventually was too much for me to handle. She is in assisted living now and doing fine.
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