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Three weekends ago, SO went to fetch mom for a procedure appointment. Mom said their paid caregiver, Brother's Wife, couldn't lift FIL out of bed and could he help? By the way, Mom said, "We think daddy has sh-t himself."


SO looked at them all and said, "You guys need more help." He also told mom that he really needs his weekends. MIL has ignored this while getting increasingly manipulative.


She called him for yesterday saying that the indy aide would have to live on the same floor with them now in their den so the hideaway sofa would have to be thrown out so that the indy's bed could replace it immediately since they're both in walkers and so on. He pays a friend some amount to get the hideabed out and find out she WON'T move the indy's bed. Nope, now we have to look at beds and figure out which one most matches the decor of the room but at least we got that stinky hideabed that's so not Martha Stewart out of here, which they've been united on for about a year now.


Which means the indy will be sleeping upstairs where the bed now is until MIL and DIL soothe their interior decorating selves. So much for what she originally said.


So much for her original excuse for yesterday.


Today, the excuse is that "Daddy" as she calls him (I despise this, this is not what his children have called him since the age of 5, over 50 years ago), had some sort of confusion/disorientation episode yesterday night requiring a trip to the ER. MIL is going on about how this may have been a "ministroke" but again, he wasn't admitted.


His phone broke, so she called mine. At first it was that he had to pick her up to get her procedure done because Daddy couldn't be alone. Then she called back saying no bother, the paid DIL's wife would just take her on down there. He asked bluntly who would Dad-sit and she said she was confused so he just said he'd go over there and get her.


She had to use my phone as a communication device because his broke. And she is not nice to him when she talks. She's very demandy, like she's decided it will be this way already.


The way this may go is that MIL will arrange all these labs, these procedures, the and and AND for when SO has "free time" sneakily so that she can get a family member for free that she feels is really a family member, since free. Disrespectful as they're paying Brother's Wife $70K a year with the traditional weekend off when driving is not an issue.


Anyone have advice on what to do with this boiling frog situation?

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That broken phone story? I like it. I think you should borrow it. Nothing like a broken phone to save you from a whole lot of this. You may not know Daddy s--t himself, but you will be able to get on with your day better without that detail.
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They're paying your SIL 70k?? Wow, that seems like a lot for a family member! Is she worth it??

I guess your SO needs to stand up to his mom by setting some boundaries. Won't be easy, but I'd do some reading up on good tactics on how to phrase things and how to stick to your guns when she pushed back, like you know she will. This sounds very challenging!

Good luck
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gladimhere Mar 2022
Why should a family member be paid less? To save funds for inheritance by others that do not assist?
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I would stop answering the phone.

If they are competent (and if hospitals are discharging them home, that is their professional opinion), I would leave them be to figure it out for themselves.

DH has to learn to say "no, Mom, I can't possibly do that".

They were the hardest words I ever said to my mom, but she knew that if she didn't cooperate with us, she would be on her own.
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Call forward your phone to a caregiving agency.
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97yroldmom Mar 2022
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If I used it, MIL would probably yank the Brother out of his work to drive over to see if we "were OK" and if he weren't available, she'd call the cops.

See, Alva, the ILs have a tendency to make everything equally emergent and to act like every urgent situation with them is actually emergent. Her issue never was that the indy had to sleep down in their den immediately like she said. The issue really was that that she's wanted the hideabed to go since 2020. And so all the stuff he was supposed to do over his weekend gets defrayed. Like if his boat slip fees don't get paid by end of month, the boat itself will be seized and sold so he needs to sell it first. He had me read the letter and did not know Mommy was on speakerphone. She said hi and I didn't say anything. I already know what she said after the phone convo ended. Oh, you must get that taken care of right away, After you take care of the humiliation of me having that hideabed in the backyard one more day. It needs to go to the dumps right now. How much is the dump fee honey? Here's $40.

And then after that it'll be that DIL and her must absolutely visit furniture stores to see what bed is best. Of course DIL won't be called upon during the weekend. She just worked hard for 40 hours all week taking care of them (at $30/hour) so of course she must have the rest with Brother. Of course they need time together. So nope, this will probably become Part 2 of how there really needs to be a bed in there and SO's weekends are the only time they can possibly shop.

You know, other than moving the acceptable bed downstairs so that the indy could sleep right next to them right now. Which if it's emergent, they would definitely need right away.
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AlvaDeer Mar 2022
Long story short, as long as you pick up on the phone, the more they will call. It is training them to do just as they are doing. Up to you, but my phone would be off during the day. No emergency I can't hear about until later in the day as long as they have the number for 911.
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MIL has a live-in and DIL caring for them? If so, your SO is not needed. If I remember correctly DIL gets time off. Isn't ur BIL, her husband, involved somehow too?

Seems your SO has tried to tell Mom no and she isn't listening.

Maybe since she is calling your phone you can tell her no. Sorry DH is busy or is doing something for you. She has people, use them.
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Tell them what you will & won't do aka read these folk the 'riot act'

I had to redefine in this order;

1. I offered to help . A vague statement. This frog started heating up.

2. I said I would help with a few tasks. Frog was put on to boil.

3. I said I would help with appointments only. Nope. Wanted a personal chauffeur 6 days a week.

4. Medical appointments only. Till that also blew out to 6 a week.

5. Emergencies only. But this seemed to include spilled coffee..

6. Then I just had to make it even clearer. NO.

I asked for advice from a Social Worker. Who advised this.

Tell the person your concerns. That their needs are too high for you. That they need to find OTHER help now. Offer to help them find it. Put in a time frame. Then STOP helping.

This HAS worked!

Must go now.. coz I got my life back to being mine & stuff to do. But I'll be back.. Have hope! You CAN get out of that boiling pot 🤗
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It's posts like this that make me so very glad I had my folks placed in managed care since they moved here to be close to me in 2011. Managed care means most things are managed by others FOR the family so the family doesn't have to go through what you all are going through. Yes, there is still a TON of trips to the ER, rehab, specialists, etc involved, but the day to day stuff is handled by a team of caregivers working 24/7 to accomplish the task. It does cost a lot of money, but so does hiring live-in caregivers and then trying to finagle help from the rest of the family 'free of charge' and all the rest of the nonsense. Not to mention the brain damage inflicted to all concerned. The price my folks' paid for managed care from 2011-2022 was worth its weight in gold, now that I look back.

What your in laws are paying Brother's Wife annually alone is equal to one year's rental rate at a decent Assisted Living Community, for BOTH of them, for the most part. If they were to add in their SSI payments, it would be plenty. Food and entertainment would be included in that price, which it's NOT included in the $70K price being paid to Brother's Wife.

Oh, and by the way, there is no such thing as a bed that would 'match the decor' of the den, since a bed has no business being IN a den to begin with. :)
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They have you guys well trained, PeggySue.

So she calls the police, or BIL?

So WHAT?

They'll be upset.

So WHAT?

If they are so all fired independent, let THEM deal with their issues.

If BIL and SIL want to dance to their tune because they are financially dependent upon them, let them.

Just stop.
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Turn up the fire?
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PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
The fire will get turned up when their respite care needs, their additional aide needs, become such that no family can or will help--but until then they will squeeze SO for everything they can. I can easily see MIL booking all her appointments for SO's Tuesdays-Wednesdays now since Brother's Wife has to FIL-sit. This is actually where we are now. MIL knows SO is not happy about it. She simply doesn't care. Finding a job that goes M-F would certainly help things by eliminating that factor, but that is up to SO to do, or therapeutically fib about when he's actually working. Up to SO to decide when the fire gets turned up enough to do that.
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ITRR, I think Peggy Sue and her husband are the frogs, not the ILs!
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