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One aunt worked and saved, and throughout her life has given money to her younger sister, who worked occasionally at low-paying jobs, but pretty much relied on her sister to sustain her. The aunt with means knew this wasn't a good arrangement, but says it was easier to just give her money than to argue. A nephew now monitors "Mary's" (the aunt with means) finances, and has warned her that continual giving like this needs to slow down and probably stop, since she'll be in danger of running out of money. Meanwhile, "Jane" (aunt without means) spends any extra money (actually, there isn't any; She's spending money she shouldn't) on frivolous items. She owns property (that Mary bought for her) but has taken out at least one loan against it, and there is the original mortgage as well. She should of course sell the property and look into subsidized housing for elderly in her small city (four hours away from us); She is also fit enough to get a low-paying job. She got rid of her landline phone and bought a very expensive phone that she barely knows how to use: After a year, she still hasn't set up voicemail and is basically impossible to reach; she doesn't have a computer. In short, she is a "ditz", and has been her entire life. She refuses to make any changes.


When Mary has refused to give more money, Jane has contacted us to ask for it; we refused. We've worked hard all our lives (I'm about 12 years younger than Jane) and have planned carefully for retirement. I hardly know Jane (have met her e.g. 7 times for a few hours, over the years). She wasn't very present in my husband's life, either, although he saw her from time to time, no more than once a year and often less. I feel some guilt. We don't have money to spare - But to someone who lives from SS check to SS check, it looks like we do. What are peoples' thoughts? These forums are wonderful. TIA

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Another thought.. anyone remember the book or film "In Her Shoes"? Film stared Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette & Shirley MacLaine. One sister was very 'ditzy' - irresponsible with jobs & money. Dyslexic or other learning disability I think? That kind of thing happens. An older sister looking out for & providing for makes sense.
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Zero. Baby Jane has been spoiled.

As you say, she does have options. Cheaper ways to live etc. She just doesn't like them.

She's a "ditz". I'm picturing the baby of the family, a pretty, social butterfly maybe? Not career minded, likes pretty things.

That's ok. We all differ. Jane will probably be ok. She can pretty up her single senior room when she loses her house.
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I don't get where Aunts feel nieces and nephews are responsible for them. I was never made to feel I was.

No, do not give her money. Not even once. Her sister did her no favors. Also, you don't give money you can't afford to give.
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I never even met most of my Aunts and Uncles, or Cousins. Used to joke that one of them could walk in the room & I'd have no idea who they are. (We lived on the opposite side of the country.)

You have no obligation to any of them at all. Let alone give them/her even a penny. Please don't let her demands make you uncomfortable.
It is okay to block her phone number & block her on Social Media, and throw any letters she sends right into the trash.
You and your husband use your money for "you".
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I think I would basically practice staying out of it all. You have no moral or legal obligations. You have an opinion, and I would consider giving THAT but only once, and then moving on with my own life.

To use your own money would be very unwise. The time will come sooner than you think that you need any savings you can now put aside for your own care. You certainly can avail the aunt of any information where she might seek help in her own area, but I would make it clear you have no help to give. As you said, this person is basically a stranger.
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ElizabethAR37 Aug 2023
Agree, especially the need for OP to look to financing their own retirement. We don't regret loaning funds to family when they (and we) were younger, but I didn't think ahead at all to when we might need those funds. We were fortunate in that years later we were mostly repaid, which isn't likely to happen in OP's situation.
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You have no obligation to the aunt who is a parasite. Give her an inch and she’ll manipulate you into giving her a mile. Jane could do more to help herself, but why would she if relatives keep tossing money her way?
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Southernwaver Aug 2023
Yes, a parasite will absolutely suck a host dry. Quick and painful.

Op. STAY AWAY.
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None of this is your problem. Block her number and move on with your life.
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