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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Wow! Your answers were all ‘across the board’ offering many different perspectives. I acknowledge and appreciate every one of them.
I was asking as a third party. The person I was asking for has failing physical, emotional and mental health. The adult children lives two thousand miles away and are not fully aware of the situation even though they communicate often with their parent.
However, I made the call yesterday and did my best to relate to the children the needs of their parent. They responded well and are motivated to get their parent to move closer to them so they can offer the appropriate care.
I have just initiated the plans for the parent to travel to where the children live.
Yes if you know someone appears to need more help and the family is far away, it is important to let them know what you are observing.
My Dad is here in Canada, my step Mum in New Zealand. Due to poor health they no longer see each other, but they talk multiple times a week. And they do not fully disclose to the other what is going on with their health. So my step sister and I chat every couple months to fill the other in on how things really are going.
Adult children should NEVER be asked to provide care for their elderly parents. If a child offers that's a different story, but even then their offer should be discouraged, as it's not fair to the children to have to give up their lives, livelihood and sanity to care for their parents when they have their own lives to live. Instead, look into hiring some in home help or move into a senior living facility where progressive care is provided as needed, and let your children just be your children and not your caregivers.
Are you asking as an elderly parent or a concerned third party? And what kind of care are you asking for? Asking an adult child to help with paying bills or an occasional trip to a doctor's appointment is very different than expecting an adult child to provide hands-on, continuing care of a parent. The conversation should always acknowledge that you do not expect the adult child to give up their lives to provide care - which is exactly what happens when a parent becomes dependent on the child. Never, ever extract promises such as "don't put me in a home", or use guilt such as "after all I did for you." Just lay out your needs in a way that elicits problem solving such as " I need help with XXX" recognizing that the solution should not be burdening your child with your care.
There are some adult children who enjoy helping with things. Are there are some that don't. When things become more difficult, it's very challenging.
You might not need much now, but down the road, for example, you might need help changing your underwear or help with bathing, etc. Yes, parents did this for their children. And now these grown children do this for their children, if they have. Plus, many people work. So between taking care of their own family and working, it adds another thing on their plate.
Hiring care would be a better idea so you can have the help you need. If you want to be around people and activities, independent living and assisted living are other options.
I disagree with not asking for help from your children. As my parents are aging I appreciate the ability to help them. If you can have an honest conversation with your children then I would let them know what you need help with and also let them know if it is too much for them to help with can they help you figure out another way to get help. I treasure the time I have with my parents and know that I will cherish this time as much as I cherish other times with them. I would hate it if my parents needed help and didn't let me know.
As asked, are you the parent? If so i also suggest you make a list of things you or they need help with. Do not expect the children to do the hands on care. They have lives and families of their own. If the parents are having a problem keeping a house up, maybe its time to sell and move to independent living or a nice Assisted living. Don't expect the kids to do the upkeep. Parents should do as much as they can for themselves.
All you can do is ask if they will help. Do not guilt them into it. Causes resentment. There probably need to be some compromises. The parents need to be able to do this. They need to make it as easy as possible for their children or they will burn them out.
I was raised that family cared and took care of their own. It was understood that we would find a way, if it was assisted living or moving into one of the kid's homes. When the time came, I pushed to have our folks move into my home. I was the best choice all around, though if something happens to me, my brother will take our Mom in (Dad has passed). We started this with rational and not emotional reactions. I find that if it was an emotional decision, it is set up for failure and resentment. We involved lawyers, insurance, construction, banking, all kinds of things which just seemed like part of the next stage of life. Also, we did have the understanding that assisted living may still be warranted when changes occur.
It sounds as if your family bonds were strong, Cashew. And you and your parents went about this rationally, no guilt-tripping, but honest discussion. That said I can see that it would work for you, because as problems arose, you and parents were able and willing to discuss. You weren't trapped or volunteered by others for a very big job. You made choices and you own them. But unfortunately, you are somewhat unusual. I can see that others do this and it works for them, but then they are not so likely to come to the forum for help. But please keep in mind that "old school thinking" has become somewhat outmoded in today's world. Elders live longer and often live with chronic health problems that would have quickly killed them not so very long ago. They may need what is basically nursing care, not just a little help with shopping, etc. And in too many cases there is abuse. It is right to get this out in the open. The old thinking of hiding family problems enabled much of this abuse. And too many Christians were taught wrongly on moral issues. What they were getting was really "religion" used/distorted for secular purposes. Finally, as JoAnn29 pointed out, your decline in age is, in a very real sense your problem - if you cannot keep up a house, for example, make other living arrangements. Too often elders simply want to continue on as they are, but try to rope in family to make this possible. Elders have to be willing to adapt to their new circumstances.
I often wish my mother (age 91) would speak up sooner about needing help with something. Instead she waits until I am about to leave then drops a huge problem on me, or it is too late at night, or right before a weekend or holiday when all stores/services/doctor’s offices are closed. Frequently what could be a simple project/fix/help turns into a difficult, time-consuming one because she wouldn’t tell me about it in a timely manner. No heat? Don’t tell me on the Wednesday afternoon when it stopped working, no, wait until Friday after 5pm then tell me a long sad tale of how cold it has been the past several days. This is not a recent pattern, nor just dementia-related.
This! My father has an issue but instead of going himself to the doctor on a Wednesday he waits to say something to me on a Friday night when everything is closed. He thinks it is “easier” for me to just take him to the ER and sit there for hours for a minor thing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Elderly parents have had the opportunity to live their lives and they should have planned for their old age.
I was asking as a third party. The person I was asking for has failing physical, emotional and mental health. The adult children lives two thousand miles away and are not fully aware of the situation even though they communicate often with their parent.
However, I made the call yesterday and did my best to relate to the children the needs of their parent. They responded well and are motivated to get their parent to move closer to them so they can offer the appropriate care.
I have just initiated the plans for the parent to travel to where the children live.
Yes if you know someone appears to need more help and the family is far away, it is important to let them know what you are observing.
My Dad is here in Canada, my step Mum in New Zealand. Due to poor health they no longer see each other, but they talk multiple times a week. And they do not fully disclose to the other what is going on with their health. So my step sister and I chat every couple months to fill the other in on how things really are going.
Instead, look into hiring some in home help or move into a senior living facility where progressive care is provided as needed, and let your children just be your children and not your caregivers.
You might not need much now, but down the road, for example, you might need help changing your underwear or help with bathing, etc.
Yes, parents did this for their children. And now these grown children do this for their children, if they have. Plus, many people work. So between taking care of their own family and working, it adds another thing on their plate.
Hiring care would be a better idea so you can have the help you need.
If you want to be around people and activities, independent living and assisted living are other options.
Wish you the best
All you can do is ask if they will help. Do not guilt them into it. Causes resentment. There probably need to be some compromises. The parents need to be able to do this. They need to make it as easy as possible for their children or they will burn them out.
When the time came, I pushed to have our folks move into my home. I was the best choice all around, though if something happens to me, my brother will take our Mom in (Dad has passed).
We started this with rational and not emotional reactions. I find that if it was an emotional decision, it is set up for failure and resentment.
We involved lawyers, insurance, construction, banking, all kinds of things which just seemed like part of the next stage of life. Also, we did have the understanding that assisted living may still be warranted when changes occur.
And in too many cases there is abuse. It is right to get this out in the open. The old thinking of hiding family problems enabled much of this abuse. And too many Christians were taught wrongly on moral issues. What they were getting was really "religion" used/distorted for secular purposes. Finally, as JoAnn29 pointed out, your decline in age is, in a very real sense your problem - if you cannot keep up a house, for example, make other living arrangements. Too often elders simply want to continue on as they are, but try to rope in family to make this possible. Elders have to be willing to adapt to their new circumstances.
I often wish my mother (age 91) would speak up sooner about needing help with something. Instead she waits until I am about to leave then drops a huge problem on me, or it is too late at night, or right before a weekend or holiday when all stores/services/doctor’s offices are closed. Frequently what could be a simple project/fix/help turns into a difficult, time-consuming one because she wouldn’t tell me about it in a timely manner. No heat? Don’t tell me on the Wednesday afternoon when it stopped working, no, wait until Friday after 5pm then tell me a long sad tale of how cold it has been the past several days. This is not a recent pattern, nor just dementia-related.