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I've learned to wait it out until his mood would change and he'd be compliant. However, when it comes to a number 2 accident, I'm besides myself when he flat out refuses to let me change him! He's mobile and can go to the toilet himself, yet accidents do happen and he's fine with it. He's just downright stubborn.At first I thought he might be embarrassed and tried to reassure him it's normal and happens to everybody, but sometimes we need help. When he refuses I have to try to protect the furniture with towels which he just pulls off and throws on the floor. I'm at my wits end!

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You're too close to his care. Many times a person will behave aggressively towards a loved one or family caregiver who is doing the work of changing the diapers, bathing, and feeding. You need to hire outside help to assist with his personal care and hygiene needs. His attitude will change when it's a paid worker helping him with these things. Many times they lash out when it's a person they're close to out of embarrassment and shame. Please look for outside help. Both of you will be better off for it.
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caring41 Aug 2020
Thank You. I've had several home health aides and even a nurse attempt to even just wash him and he flat out refuses. They give up and say you can't force someone, and it's true. But the frustration is so hard to deal with.
Yesterday, after coaxing him the whole day before and him spending the night with a #2 diaper I couldn't stand by anymore. When he went into the bathroom to pee I pulled his shorts down and tried to tear the diaper off at the seams. One side worked, the other not so good. All the while he's yelling at me to leave him alone. When I finally got it and put it on the floor, he threw it at me! Needless to say I had an emotional breakdown. After cleaning up , he didn't want to put on a new one which was equally upsetting.
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So sorry you are dealing with this and I sure don't have an answer. Even in a mind suffering dementia there is such a strong, strong TRAINING that the mind never seems to get over where the number two accidents are concerned. Always causes some deep seated primitive memories of toilet training and loss of control. I hope others have some answers for you.
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caring41 Aug 2020
Thanks for your comment anyway, I appreciate it.
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Oh my. This is a BIG problem! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Bad enough at any level, but having him be uncooperative just adds insult to injury. Yikes.

I remember something I read once about trying to be matter of fact and positive and assertive at times like this. Maybe something like "OK, hubby, it's time for your Depends to be changed. Let's go to the bedroom and get this taken care of. When I'm done, would you like to have some tea?". Don't ask him if he wants you to change him and offer something he likes when the deed is done.

I have NO idea if this will work. Get creative and see if you can figure out some way to make it work.

Also, I think it is a good point made by Burntcargiver that you are too close to this. Our loved ones always seem to act their worst with their caregivers. Back to the days of our little toddlers lashing out at us when they're hungry, tired, etc. and yet being angels in front of others.

The only problem I can see with having an aide change his Depend is that of course it does not need to be changed on a schedule but on an as needed basis.

You're a stronger person than I am. I do not have any plans on doing this for my mother. This is my line in the sand. I just do not see ANY way that I can/will change her diaper. When I found some issues (thankfully, an isolated event) in her laundry and on her floor, I cried and had to have hubby help me. And he still loves me. I am one lucky girl in that respect.
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caring41 Aug 2020
Thanks for your advice. I have been trying all sorts of things including the promise of an ice cream cup or hershey bar after the change. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It all depends on his mood. I do have a home health aide who comes in one hour 3 times a week and no luck, he doesn't want to be touched. I even had a Hospice nurse try and zilch.

I totally understand the feelings you have towards changing your Mom. It's a really difficult thing to deal with.
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