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I saw someone said to try a good calming medication suitable for the elderly. What medications are they talking about?

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Go back to “......between a sound mind and dementia.....”.

Were you TOLD that by someone who is caring for her or were you basing the comment on your own observations of her behavior?

“Sound mind” doesn’t describe anything specific about what your mil is doing that requires medicine as an intervention tool.

If there is a geriatric behavioral specialist on the staff at your mil’s residence, ask that she be evaluated by that person.

Don’t assume (yet) that the staff is out to drug her, but find out EXACTLY what they are seeing that they find concerning about her day to day actions and responses.

A medical doctor can prescribe for her, but her behavior needs to be observed by someone who can pinpoint specific problems resulting from her mental/psychological status.
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Before any "meds" are allowed to be given to your MIL by the facility, insist that they first give you a detailed description of why her care has become difficult for them. Also insist that they give you a detailed. written record of documentation of when her incidents of difficult behavior occur. Trust that care facilities will pretty much medicate any residents when it it not necessary to. If an elderly patient is ornery, or uncooperative that's good enough reason for them. If They're stubborn and don't want to do things on their schedule is another reason.
If your MIL's difficult because of anxiety or panic attacks then suggest to them that they start giving her a low dose of (lorazepam) as needed only. This is a good medication that works wonders and won't turn her into a zombie, which is normally what a care facility wants.
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Your mom's "facility" is NOT allowed to give her ANY medication for any reason. That is up to her doctor to prescribe and write orders for, only if he sees a need for it. Then the facility can administer the meds as ordered by the doctor specifically. Calming meds such as Xanax or Valium can be very dangerous for elders because it can add to confusion and increase falls. My mother lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living and her doctor will NEVER prescribe such meds for her.

Call a meeting with the Director of Nursing at your mom's SNF and find out what is meant by them wanting "easier care"? What is the problem? Then meet with her doctor to discuss a care plan moving forward.

Good luck!
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my2cents Mar 2021
The doctor may have to order it, but the facility workers ask for and get the meds they need by giving doctor information about the patient. Quite often the doctor who is seeing patient in facility is not the regular doctor used prior to placement. I do believe medications and other short cuts are more commonly used to make the job easier than many people are aware. Family needs to stay on top of things and question things just as you mentioned.
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Medicate her for what? What behavior is causing the NH concerns? What do they mean “between sound mind and dementia”? Have they screened her for dementia? Some facilities will use medication as a cop out when the staff isn't trained enough to handle any problems, or just to make it easier for the staff. Neither is a reason for meds. Meds are meant for the patient's comfort, not the staffs. As mentioned below, meet with the director to find out what the problem is, why any meds are needed, what meds are they suggesting, how do they think the meds will help, what are the side effects.
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It is for mom's comfort, not necessarily easier care, but is a result. Do you think mom is comfortable with the anxiety she is feeling?
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Does she really need calming for her own peace? Or do they want to calm her to make their jobs easier? What specifically is she doing that they want to calm her?

Sometimes people get medicated only because others around them don't want to exert any energy in to dealing with the problem, spending a little time talking with them, or redirecting them. Short staffing creates all kinds of issues for people in facilities - medicate and diapering are the top two in my opinion. If you can keep someone sedated, not much time has to be spent with them. A diaper means there is no urgency to answer a call button because a patient needs to go to the bathroom. Messier to clean up, but it can be done later instead of now.
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