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My mother has been verbally abusive and a moderate narcissist my entire life. She has always been nasty and rude but now it has reached a whole new level and wickedly attacks literally every person in her life with a long list of complaints and how SHE HAS DONE NOTHING to deserve it (total BS, she totally deserves it!). She is forgetting everything (almost started a fire in the microwave cuz she forgot you can't put metal in there) and more concerning, is that she is making up stories in her head that never have happened.


I was contacted by the PA in her cardiologist office to tell me they noticed a large decline. She said it is one thing to not remember or to struggle with completing tasks but it is another thing entirely if she is saying things happened that never did (which she does all the time). When I asked for advice, she told me to follow the legal process (I dont' have the money). I honestly think she has suffered a brain injury out of her last health episode - that she was saved from when the hospital ignored her advanced directive. My question is - why do we keep treating the physical health needs (aka heart) and keep stringing people along physically when we know their mind is GONE! That in itself is unethical to me. Why can't Doctors be honest and agree that their current way of treating the elderly is to treat the body to live longer only to sacrifice the patient's mind and psychological well being. Why is our medical community ignoring the mental needs and making the problem worse by stringing them along? At some point we have to stop the madness and let the other health needs take their natural course and give her peace. She has not been given less than 6 months (but mostly certainly would if she stopped taking the ridiculous amount of medicine she is on) but no one will talk about it. End of life should be defined by whether or not you would live 6 month without treatment.

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Health Professionals are money making machines, that is their motive make more money. My step father has been on dialysis for 6 years, he has had numerous operations, is now in a wheelchair, in diapers and is totally deaf. Now they want to have surgery for his clogged arteries, not going to happen. Last year alone Medicare/Private insurance paid 2.2M to keep him alive, previous years were over 1M per year. He is 90, had he now be put in dialysis he would have died at age 84, which is what should have happened. This is crazy, I believe that until 1972, Medicare would not pay for dialysis, he goes 3 times a week at 12K a pop. This makes my head spin, we are being kept alive beyond our destined demise, for monatary reasons.
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LoriinAZ Jul 2019
Thanks so much. I agree. I think they are all afraid of being sued (let's thank the lawyers shall we?)

When My mom asked her Dr if he would ever turn off her pacemaker (it runs her heart 80% of the time) when he knows she has poor quality of life and he said "We don't do Euthanasia" - annoying as hell because when she had it put in she asked if it could be turned off and they said yes. Then the hospital did nothing to advise her about including her pacemaker in her advanced directive and now her mind is too far gone to take this on. She spent $5K dollars to draft her advanced directive (DNR amd DNI), was promised by the hospital it would be adhered to, and when she quit breathing, 12 medical professionals stared at me and made me make the decision because my mom NEVER TOLD ME that she had an advanced directive. That is so messed up that the hospital refused to follower her wishes. Not 2 + years later she has completely lost her mind. Beware people. If your loved on has an AD, it can be overridden by any family member.
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Your frustration is loud and clear and valid. Have your requested a Hospice evaluation?

Have you been able to request a needs evaluation from your local Aging group?

Has Mum been seen by a neurologist or geriatric psychologist?

I cannot imagine how challenging your days are.

I know my Mum lives in fear of losing her mind. A very good friend of Mum, had early onset ALZ 30+ years ago and it was terrible to watch her go from a smart, generous professional to a confused, crazed person who did not recognize those closest to her.
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LoriinAZ Jul 2019
Thank you. She saw a Neurologist 5+ years ago and got an MCI diagnosis that of course my Mom feels was wrong (eye roll - remember she made the appointment in the first place). She is SO much worse now and won't even consider going again because she said everyone treats her poorly because of the MCI diagnosis. As she denies her memory issue, I keep saying "prove it - go get tested and show me the results that this is normal age related memory". It will never happen. She would never go to a psychologist. She knows that would mean that something is wrong with her mind and since she is in such denial, it will never happen. I am also sick and tired of medical professionals not being honest with her. She asks them "do you think my memory is bad?" "You're fine". They are just afraid of her. I don't get it.
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Time for the power of attorney for health care to request palliative care. That is to say to stop treating illnesses with an eye to cure, but with comfort care; it is fair to withdraw most pills and in all truth, the person may be psychotic partially from this cocktail of drugs. I am hoping that you are not attempting any in home care. And yes, it is utter madness. In fact, it is torture, to put people through this.
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LoriinAZ Aug 2019
Thank you for your reply. No, thank god she does not live with me and never will. I think I just need to get up the courage to discuss the palliative care with her doctors and hope she doesn't freak out on me for going behind her back. It's just that her thinking is so messed up and mix that with her explosive verbal abuse, I just don't see me getting her to agree to it. She would never think to do it on her own. I must confront my fear of her and do something cuz the current state is madness - for her and everyone around her.
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I wonder the same myself. If your mind is going/gone, which is an integral part of our well being, why does the medical community continually jump through hoops to sustain life? Dying is a part of life and when faced with the enevitable Drs. turn to prescription drugs and procedures to extend life at an enormous cost.....and with little concern for quality of life and the consequence of the toll it takes on both patient and family members. You are so right, it is unethical.

Sadly if you or or another family member does not have POA, I’m not sure if anything can be done at this juncture since she is not of sound mind. I would think one of her Drs. could request Hospice/Pallative care under the circumstances if you requested an assessment. Even if she gets mad at you, you’ll know that you are doing what’s best for all concerned. Not an easy situation.
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LoriinAZ Aug 2019
Thank you Abby. It is nice to be validated about my feelings. I feel guilty saying this but when will this country look at this as (first and foremost) as a humanity issue but also think about the costs. From 2000 - 2011 Medicare costs doubled to close to 3 trillion dollars. We simply cannot keep this up! It is madness to keep treating people for problems when they are at or near the end of life and have illnesses that will eventually costs them their life.
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$$$
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