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My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her spine. She is bedridden. We were told nothing could be done for her. Hospice has been called in and do a wonderful job. No complaints there. The problem is I don't work for money. Meaning I also keep my 4 month old granddaughter. My 2 sisters work so I'm expected to do everything with no break. Just give up my life as I knew it. My home my husband, my 2 beautiful daughter /SIL and my grandaughter. I arrive at 5:30 am and take care of my mother and granddaughter til 6:30 or 7 pm. Every single day.. no day off. No "I'll try and get there earlier" nothing. The one sister gets off at 3:30. The other gets off at 5pm 4 days a week. Neither work weekends. I'm so tired by the time I get home all I can do or want to do is shower and go to bed. Hospice says mom is doing wonderful. I want to say " look at me, I'm not". I do everything. They split the nightshift. Everytime I say anything, all I hear is "you don't work, what have you got to complain about". I want to run away. I have nothing left. I feel numb anymore. I just hired some help to come in 5 hrs. A day so I can take care of my beautiful only granddaughter. Then I'll pack her up and go do another 6.5 hrs. Taking care of my mother. Rolling every 2 hrs. Bed pans cooking cleaning paying bills etc. Sisters has no kids or husband. They live alone with their animals. They could care less if I don't ever have time for my family. You don't have a job. I've heard this for 15 years since my dad died.
I'm too tired to finish. So sorry it's so long. I just feel better thinking someone is actually listening to me. Thank you.

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Your children need to pay you for taking care of grandkids or find day care. You should tell everyone - "no more weekends". Just because they do not do them, does not mean you are obligated to pick up the slack. Start saying "no". You can only be a doormat if you let others walk over you. Start saying "No" and you do not have to explain. "NO, i can no longer do this" end of sentence. No one will care about your wellbeing - you have to.
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Stop! Give a warning if you like. A countdown so to speak as to when your final day of giving ends.

Best wishes to you.
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Nothingleft Oct 2020
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Sounds like you've been letting your family walk all over you for far too long. Why have you allowed it? To not cause conflict, or because you're used to being the martyr? How's that working for you?? Obviously not very good right? Something has to change, and that has to be you. If you stay on the path you're on now, you will be the one needing a caregiver, and then look at what you would be missing, time with your granddaughter and family. Is it worth it? Of course it's not. Time to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your siblings and tell them exactly how you feel. If they are not willing to step up and help, then it might be time to be looking for a nice facility for your mom to be placed in.
Also remember that Hospice does offer respite at their facilities for 5 days at a time, so please take advantage of that as well. That way you get a break and mom is being well taken care of. Your mom doesn't want you getting burned out taking care of her, this I know. Take care.
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Nothingleft Oct 2020
Thank you so much for taking time to respond. I've looked into the respite care. They do it at one of our nursing homes. I researched them. Both have 1 star and the other has half a star. How could that be? A half a star rating shouldn't even be open. I have tried talking to them in several occasions. I've begged and pleaded. I feel so guilty for feeling this way.
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I was 64 when I agreed to babysit for my then infant grandson. Since my daughter and SIL made over 100k together I asked to be paid. $100 a week. When he was 20 months old, I had to take my Mom in. It was like caring for 2 toddlers. I could not do it so my daughter found a Daycare for him.

This is how I feel about your situation. If the parent of the child is single, then not being paid is OK. But if married and both working you should be paid. I have done both for the reasons listed.

Don't think you are going to change sister's outlooks concerning you at this point. Mom is dying. She, for now, is priority. I think, for now, you need to tell the parent/s of your grandchild you just can't care for them now. Tell them you are just overwhelmed and dealing with the impending passing of your Mom.

Or, just keep telling yourself that it will be over soon. Then u can fully enjoy ur grandchild.

Buy the way, that $100 was placed in a bank acct. When grandson turned 5 we used it for a family trip to Universal. I have great memories and at 7 he still remembers the trip.
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(((hugs)))
No one can keep up the pace you're keeping right now for long. No one. So you have nothing to feel bad about, admitting you need help.

Monday morning, first thing, call hospice and ask for the social worker. Hospice exists to support your mom - but they are also there to support you. Tell the SW exactly what you told us here. Don't mince words.

First and foremost, Medicare will pay for up to 5 days of respite care for someone on hospice. Ask if the organization you are using if they have a hospice facility you can avail yourself of - if not, I'm sure they can guide you how to make use of the benefit. And if anyone needs respite, it's you.

Hospice can also supply aides to come in and help with bathing, etc. Additionally, they might also be able to supply you with names of people you can hire to come in and give you more help. If mom has any money, use that to pay for those services. Even just a few hours a day will make a difference.

I know how hard it is to ask for help, especially when your mom is in hospice, and you don't know how much time she might have left. I'm sure, like me, you feel that anything you "farm" out to "strangers" is depriving your mom of time left with her family. But you can't keep this pace up. You can't. Use that hospice respite option , if at all possible. You will be a better caregiver for it in the long run, when you're not used up by exhaustion.

Peace and hugs to you.
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Nothingleft Oct 2020
Thank you so much for responding. I am going to ask for the social worker to stop by and explain to him my situation. My dear sister came in today being he usual self today. TOXIC!! All she can do is tell me I'm doing everything wrong. I did hire someone to help starting tomorrow. Praying all goes well. I am so tired....
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I have to find another way. I've tried saying no. I said it tonight. Sister wouldn't tell me when she coming to relieve me. She told me 6pm . I called at 6:15 and ask where she was at. She got mad and showed up at 8.
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Praying for you nothingleft.
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Nothingleft Oct 2020
Thank you
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