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I chose to step in and assist my mother with relocating to a safe environment. She has dementia and is not able to manage meals or medication or bathing. I am an only child. After she was sent to the hospital by a friend checking in on her, I found her to be in a filthy living environment, unable to make meals, do laundry, get to a bathroom on her own, etc. I am managing her finances and trying to make them last. She has about enough to last for two years before needing to apply for Medicaid. She was abusive and neglectful as a parent and we have been estranged for many, many years. She is still verbally abusive and manipulative even in dementia. She makes poor decisions for herself. I moved her closer to my home, in another state, for several reasons, one being more affordable assisted living with step up care. I will not allow this woman to live with me. My plan was to manage her resources as best as possible and then apply for Medicaid on her behalf. She’s 87 and in poor health, but I can’t predict how long she may live. However, I am not sure I can go on much longer emotionally. The abuse I experienced as a child still causes me pain. It’s taking a toll on me and my family to deal with her despite knowing I am making sound decisions for her and “doing the right thing.” I am wondering if I can at some point request a state guardian and what, if any, my “filial” responsibilities would be?

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Best to work with an eldercare atty on this.

Some states dump responsibility on the kids--some don't. An atty could help you through the stages of having your mom declared a ward of the state--or whatever they call it when you're am adult.

Your first responsibility is to YOURSELF. You cannot care for mom and a family and hope in your case, for it to be pleasant and great.

My mother was neglectful and allowed severe abuse to be heaped upon me by an older brother. She did NOTHING to stop it---and I am still healing from it. It does make it VERY hard for me to care for her. She acts like it was 'no big deal' but it affected me all my life.

You have done all you NEED to do. Consult a lawyer, basically, 'divorce' your mom and go on with your life.

As for the guilt you may feel about stepping away? MY therapist said to me, many times, "Would you allow a complete stranger to treat you this way? Of course not. Take the power back. Be kind (always a good idea) but walk away and create a relationship that has tight boundaries--or simply walk away.

The state cannot force you to care for your mother. (at least, my state can't).
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Welcome, Mepowers;

Is there a social worker at your mom's AL that you could consult with on this issue? S/he may have some insight into how you go about doing this. Do you have POA? If you don't, someone will need to get guardianship eventually, so you are wise to prepare.

I don't know if you have the resources to use your mother's money to consult with an Eldercare attorney in your jurisdiction. That would be another good source of information.

You are so wise not to allow your mother to live with you; folks who were abused as children should NEVER attempt to be hand's on caregivers. It sounds as though your mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life. My hat is off to you for not simply walking away.
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Mepowers Jul 2020
I used my own resources to consult with an Elder Care Attorney. I do have a DPOA that she signed while in rehab. There is no social worker at the AL - most don’t have them. I think that having a social worker at ALs should be a requirement!
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I have read elsewhere on this forum that states seldom enforce "filial laws" (if they even still have them. Laws differ from state to state. You are doing a merciful and beautiful thing even though your mother will never know or appreciate it. But it should not come at the cost of yourself or your family. The county takes over guardianship of her after you resign your PoA. I don't think you need to consult a lawyer for this. FYI you will lose all control over making any decisions for her and will be locked out of her accounts (assets, medical records, etc). You will be told nothing. The guardians are supposed to act in her self-interests so they may contact you about personal preferences in foods, music, etc. You will be allowed to visit her if you wish. She will be cremated without ceremony and they will contact you to ask you if you want her ashes. They will send you an accounting of her care expenses to show how her assets were used to pay for her care. You won't be responsible for anything financial afterwards. Then I believe they will give you 1 copy of her death certificate. This is how it transpired with my stepFIL who was a d-bag. Although my Catholic guilt never stopped gnawing at me thinking about his loneliness and suffering in the NH with Parkinsons and LBS, he could have avoided it all if he just would have been a decent human being to us, prepared for his aging and illness and allowed someone to be his DPoA to help him. So I just remind myself that there was no other possible path that could have avoided how it ended for him. May you have peace in your heart and receive blessings for the mercy you have shown her.
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Filial laws were enacted before Medicaid so you don’t really need to worry about filial responsibility. Even when those laws are enforced, it has to be proven that the child can actually afford to financially support the parent and it has to be proven that the parent was actually a parent to the child. I wouldn’t worry if I was you.
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Yes, Please talk to an elder care attorney. The attorney can refer you to the social worker you should speak with to put everything on record. I have a ton of issues regarding my mother and the physical and mental abuse she heaped on me. I’m the oldest and don’t care about what happens to her. She was found living in squalid conditions and the state took guardianship over her because she now has dementia. The social worker called me and I advised her of what she did to me. Unfortunately, she is still very cruel and verbally abusive towards me but never to my siblings. I don’t believe you would be responsible for her and you shouldn’t use any of your $$ to help her.
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With regard to the person on this thread who said that adult children with a history of child abuse should
never be caregivers for their parents, I wanted to share my own experience with caring for parents and my coming from a history of childhood abuse. First let me say that all survivors of childhood abuse: physical, sexual and emotional must absolutely get therapy and support and know that it can be a lifetime effort to peel back all the levels of damage childhood abuse does. My parents divorced when I was around 11. I ended up being POA for both and helped them through to the end. I ended up caring for my biological father (pedophile, and violent). I decided to help him after he burned so many bridges that he was left alone, he was out of money except social security. He had money at one time but he gambled it away throughout his life and his ex-wife stole the rest. He was incontinent with his bowels and was a chain smoker, he had a little dog who wasn’t house trained and never went outside. My dad was not a drinker or a drug addict, thank God but he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive throughout most of his life and he was a pedophile. The whole story is too long to tell here but I just wanted to say that while it was really, really hard I decided to help him at the end in order to help myself in the healing process. He had dementia, could not take care of himself, his dog or his finances. He was no longer sexually active but was really verbally abusive and he was still a creep in many ways. I was still afraid of him. He called me names. Told me I was a worthless piece of ****, to get out, to leave him alone and all sorts of other things. I was still in therapy and went to a caregiver support group during the process. It was hard, it was in many ways really, really terrible but again, I felt I needed to do it to heal myself somehow. What led me to that decision was that I believe that many people have secrets and that many people have done terrible things that we’ll never know about and that if he was a neighbor of mine or a coworker and lived alone with no one to help him, would I help him not knowing of his past? ...and I realized that I probably would...so I decided to help him as if I was helping a neighbor that I knew nothing of their history. It wasn’t easy at all but I’m glad I did. I just focused on helping and with my husbands support I helped him through to the very end. Many years later I also ended up helping my mom as well. She suffered with guilt from the events of our childhood but she also had some denial which made me angry but she did a lot of self-reflective work throughout the rest of her life so we were able to talk about some of it and never spoke of the rest of it. I was with her almost every day and helped her until she passed. I loved my mom so very much and we were very close although I was very angry with her throughout various periods of my life as well. I have just spent the past 9 months cleaning out my childhood home of 60 years and the place where all the bad things happened. I can’t explain it but it has all helped me heal. I’ve gone through all the emotions: anger resentment, relief, grief, upset, you name it-still I'm glad I did it. Its not for everyone but it worked for me. I’m not a saint and I’m not into self abuse thats for sure, but I was lost in victimhood and crazy anger and this seemed like a way out. I cried a lot, I cussed a lot but I was also compelled to do it. I had the “I know what you did” conversation with both of them at different times. I never got full on apologies and although I thought I really wanted full throated apologies, in all honesty and in retrospect I don’t think I ultimately needed them, I just needed to speak my truth and then to finish the relationships and to help them as much as I could and somehow it has all ended up helping me.
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Donyah Jul 2020
"Whatever helps to finish the relationship"-
My childhood story is one of loving but flawed parents. Yes, there was some abuse but not anywhere near what you survived.

I do relate. I feel that, for me, seeing them through will bring real closure and a level of healing I could not otherwise achieve.

You are a remarkable human being. Enjoy as much peace and contentment as you can for the rest of your life.
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I am the exact same situation. Looking for same advice.
bless your heart. I know how you feel. I Flew across the country and moved my abusive Mother (50 yrs) into a beautiful AL and she has no appreciation for it. she only complains and calls every single day saying” I can’t stay here”. She only has SS and lives month to month with no extra after AL bill monthly.

I was getting calls from Adult Protective Services deemed unsafe for her to live alone.
She was going to be placed in a Medicaid bed in aNH and transferred to a group home. She would loose all SS and pension and could never get it back. I felt so badly I made the stressful move in Jan just before Covid lockdowns.

Has no appreciation and does not believe she would ever be sent to NH across the country.
she is demanding, ungrateful, racist, and narcissistic. I am only child left (oldest) lost 2 brothers who died at 18 and 39. My father died at 39 from MS complications.
My sister is sick with MS and estranged from my mother for past 10 yrs.
Therapy and low dose anti anxiety meds have helped me.

i try hard to do fun things with my own family and children, read a ton to keep my mind occupied and lean on girlfriends for support.

Best Of luck To you!
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Yes, you can request a state guardianship. Contact a Guardianship Attorney in your mother’s area.
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Yes, request guardianship by the state and say you are no longer mentally or physically capable of care for this woman. Sorry you are faced with this.
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I chose to take the high road and manage my moms care.  In her early stages of dementia, out of the blue she apologized to me.  I had taken her out to lunch and we were just sitting there with our tea and she said I know I was not a good mother to you and I apologize for that.  I was so dumbfounded and was not prepared so I just changed the subject, went through lunch, took her back to her ALF and cried.  Everyone needs to do what is right for them.  You don't have to do anything.  If you have been abused at the hands of this woman and being around her is hard and opens up all of your childhood wounds, then you should probably walk away.  Or at least if you choose to, no one can blame you. 

Take care.
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Mepowers Jul 2020
Thank you James for sharing that story. About 20 years ago my mother came to visit me while I was out of state. She apologized at that visit. She said that “I don’t think I was a very good mother” out of the blue. It was the first and only time. I Don’t know what her motivations were. It was a brief moment and she was tearful; I was not tearful and I did not verbalize forgiveness. I just listened. However she went back to her old behaviors and I cut her off. I always look back at that moment and wonder if she had some counseling that encouraged her to make amends. My suspicious side thinks she was worried she would be all alone in her older age. But I do feel she had awareness of her behavior. I am still struggling, but I know that I am doing a good job of keeping her safe.
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Imho, yes, you could request guardianship through the state.
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Laura Schlessinger has some excellent books on dealing with toxic relatives.
As a Christian, I believe one is obligated to be sure parents are not left destititute on the streets, but that doesn't mean that they have to live with you, nor should anyone take abuse. I agree with others that it is fine to have the state take over guardianship. You aren't turning her out into the cold (or heat, this time of year), and she will be cared for.
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My mother threw me in-front of a step-father who was a pedophile...my childhood was a long horrific hell. I got over it and raised myself elsewhere. When she became ill I moved in with her for 4 years until she died. I'm an RN so I could not do anything else as the other kids were only after her money. It's not your mother you blame right now...you need to resolve your own issues. If you signed papers for POA you might have a concern...spending her down depending on what you signed could involve some of your assets as well: talk to a lawyer. BTW; filthy environment with all those places is per par. If people want clean, they need them to keep at home.
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