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My grandma has become very verbally and mentally abusive towards my mother, her full time care giver. I thoroughly believe my grandma is showing signs of dementia, my mother moved to a different state to care for her mother and has been her full time care giver for years now. As of the last couple years, however, my grandma has become extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, even almost physically as of late. She’s now insistent that my mother is taking advantage of her even though she pays her nothing and my mom is there every moment for her. As of today, my aunt (that’s only ever been concerned with my grandma’s estate) text me and told me on Monday my grandma was going to have a lawyer start eviction proceedings!!! It’s like something out of a bad movie, my grandma is treating the person that loves her most like a piece of garbage. Two of my mother’s sisters are just inflaming the situation because they feel like they stand to gain from it but seem to have no actual plan as to her future care if my mom isn’t there. I can’t stand by and let my mom be mistreated, what recourse does she have? If she does get evicted can she sue for back wages being that she was never paid? That may sound terrible to ask but the situation is that dire. Any help would be most appreciated, the sooner the better.

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Can you put your mom up for a while?   Let her greedy sisters figure out they had a good situation that they screwed up
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There is apparently no diagnosis of dementia. While your mother has been living with her mother, your grandmother, there has been no agreement apparently.
I think your mother needs now to leave. Flat out full stop.
She should, if she feels her mother is incompetent in her own care, and feels no one will followup with her mother, report to APS that she has been forced out of the home and that you mother may now be an at risk Senior. APS will check on her and her care.
It's time to move.
And no, she cannot sue for past wages. She did not charge and the Mom did not pay. She has been living there rental free. There was no contract for payment. It is too late now.
To be frank we see this over and over again on the forum, people giving up their living quarters and their jobs to care for people, and years later cut absolutely loose with no job and no home. Take your Mother in if you are able and have her save some wages from the job she will need to get (she's likely a pro at caregiving now).
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Your Mom needs to make a plan to leave and give sisters notice that they are expected to take over Grandma's care. Dementia gets worse...all the behaviors such as verbal and physical abuse are all part of dementia. Expect the abuse to increase and Mom can get injured from the physical abuse. Then she will feel the natural instinct to defend herself....and MOM will be in a situation that will be like a sinkhole...Tell Mom to get out NOW while she still is alive and well. Hugs :)
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Look up the meaning of Narcissist. I bet grandma and sisters fit the description.
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I'm sorry, you really ARE having a time of it :(

Two things to mention, not sure how either would get done:

Your mother needs to make a plan to leave. You mention she's applying for disability, but what was her original job? - wouldn't she be happier if she could get a foothold in the marketplace again?
Your grandmother needs her head scanned. Literally. If her behaviour has deteriorated sharply, this should be reported to her oncologist.
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I'm pretty sure your mother's sisters wouldn't say that they're backing up your grandmother because they stand to gain from it. What would they say? What reasons do they give for agreeing that your mother should leave your grandmother's home?

I'm sorry that I always seem to bombard people with a whole load of questions instead of just offering sympathy; but the answers do make a difference, so here goes:

How old is your grandmother?
What sort of cancer has she survived?
How many years has your mother been her caregiver? - and what have your grandmother's care needs been?
What is your mother's own source of income, and what was it before she moved in with your grandmother?
What does your mother want to do?
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RachDoane Aug 2020
You’re correct, the sisters are able to easily manipulate my grandma now so they wouldn’t back my mom up, they want her out because in their childish minds my mother is probably setting herself to get something they’re not. These two have always been disgustingly entitled and are the most immature adult women I’ve ever encountered, I honestly don’t know how we’re related. They have no idea how expensive her care will be and clearly haven’t even looked into it, they cannot care for her, that’s a certainty.
My grandma is 80, she’s a lung cancer survivor and she has severe COPD that requires frequent oxygen except (has to take it everywhere with her.) Depending the day she can barely walk without getting dizzy and severely winded. She doesn’t cook, run errands, pay bills, shop, or clean (except for her room sometimes.) She washes towels daily (something to do I suppose as as she cannot handle being still. She can’t stand the idea that she needs care and resents my mother for it so it seems. My mother has been her care giver for the last 7 years but as of late my grandma has become very abusive and combative, no one is exempt from this treatment but my mom gets the worst for sure because she’s trapped there with no income and my grandma knows it, she’s become the epitome of ungrateful. My mom had just been laid off from her job in Tn when my grandma was about to have her first surgery (unrelated to cancer, shoulder surgery) and has been there ever since. My mom can’t take it and would love to leave but she has no income and hasn’t applied for disability for herself yet. She also can’t stand my husband whom I’m trying to leave presently as well so the timing couldn’t be worse.
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Is Grandma diagnosed with dementia?
Who is the POA? IS there a POA for health care and financial?
To be frank, with the sisters, I would notify them I will be leaving in a month, and I would leave. Time for them to take on caregiving.
Lots of unanswered questions here. With POA and diagnosis of dementia none of this really has to be considered as anything but ramblings. But without a diagnosis, and with no one having POA, this can be problematic given the sisters. I wouldn't put up with it.
Your mother hasn't been paid any wages. So she cannot be suing for back wages, and likely the wicked sisters would sue for back rental. I mean that is how nutsy this stuff can get. One is better out of it completely.
Hope you will come back and answer questions about WHO here actually has any power to do anything. And hope you will update us on this bad situation.
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RachDoane Aug 2020
Hello there and thank you for any advice you can give...my mom has been my grandma’s POA for financial and estate executor but my grandma told me (not sure if it’s true) that she had gone to the attorney by herself and taken my mom out of her will, if she actually did that I’d say it’s possible she changed the POA as well. This would be as if the last couple weeks or so. She has not been diagnosed with dementia normally but there have been things mentioned by her doctor.
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I look at this as a God send. Does Mom have somewhere to go temporarily. Does she have any kind of income like SS?

Mom has controlling sisters that are out for what they can get. If Mom has a place to go, I would not even wait for eviction I would move out. Then these woman can find out what your Mom puts up with on a daily basis. I bet they won't put up with it and put Grandma in a NH which will use up any money she has.

I have a feeling that Mom has always been the child that Grandma and her siblings took advantage of. Really, has it all been peaches and cream between Mom, grandmom and siblings. I bet not.
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RachDoane Aug 2020
You couldn’t be more right!! My mom had always been the one treated unfairly, and is always the one that keeps coming back because SHE has a heart and actually cares, if there were no estate my aunts wouldn’t care less. It’s truly unbelievable, my grandma had pit her own children against one another, the aunts have always had some huge sense of entitlement being that they’re the youngest and were still in the house when my grandma married and came into wealth. 😕
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Can Mom arrange a home visit by Grandma's local Doctor? Explain what is happening. Grandma will probably deny it & still appear able minded or may lose her temper & act out. Either way, the Doctor can start the process of a more detailed eldercare assessment.

Basically if Mom was to move out, could Grandma care for herself? Cook, shop, clean, bathe etc? If no, Grandma either keeps Mum as carer, get in paid Aides or will need to move into AL or NH. She may not be able to reason her choices - just knows she's angry. Getting old is tough.
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Who is your gramma's PoA? Maybe it's your aunt? If so then she has the authority to decide who lives in the house if gramma has dementia now. If there was never a written employment contract I don't think your mom has any recourse for compensation -- she was volunteering to care for her. Eviction is a legal process and the PoA needs to go to the county courthouse, fill out an eviction form and pay a fee to file it (does not require a lawyer). Then PoA must post the eviction notice at the house after which your mom has 30 days to leave. If she doesn't leave by the last day the PoA can have the police remove her. I agree that your mom needs to get out. After she leaves if she suspects her sisters are neglecting your gramma, she can contact APS and report her as a vulnerable adult.

If no one has PoA for your gramma, that's a whole different story... if your mom is able to get your gramma to the doctor and request a discrete cognitive exam and she is diagnosed with dementia, then your aunts can't force your mom out -- they'd have no legal authority unless they have guardianship of your gramma (also requiring a lengthy legal process, and expensive). With no PoA no one in your family has any legal authority to act on your gramma's behalf and must instead pursue guardianship. If they don't, then the county can come in and get it, in which case your family no longer has any control over your gramma's care: where she resides, her medical care, or her assets. Find out if either aunt is PoA. If they say they are, demand to see the original PoA documents. If they don't produce it, they probably aren't PoA and your mom can ignore them but the family will still need to figure out who is going to manage gramma's care and affairs.
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How old is mom? How old is grandma? Mom should call Adult Protective Services. They would meet with grandma to determine the level of care needed and to see if grandma is well cared for.

They can be an advocate for grandma to get the help she needs. If I were your mom I would just figure out a way to get out of there. Mom deserves better than this. Leave grandma's care to the twisted sisters.
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