My mother has Alzheimer’s and we are preparing to get her into assisted living. My brother's wife and my sister's husband feel it is disrespectful to not include them in all discussions and decisions as it regards my mother. I feel it is too tender-hearted a topic for so many people to be involved in. The relationships are difficult at best. Must they be included?
And if the discussions involve anything that would require a commitment of time or money from any of you then it's unfair to ask for commitments without including your sib's partners, because those decisions need to include everyone.
Some folks can be "insulted" about anything. Are theae folks both like that? If so, it makes for difficult family dynics no matter what the issue.
Do they think they have good information to share? Have they been down this road with their parents? Have some professional expertise?
Or are you calling on their help in doing the moving, explaining, money management?
One of my SIL's is a financial whiz and managed my mom's money. We involved her every step of the way
can deal with them like no one else. He can get them to do almost anything.
Shopping, banking, medical appointments, taxes etc. My parents are always on their best behavior when he is around. When they were looking into Assisted Living he took my Dad to all the tours because he knew I had reached my limit. All he asks is that we have a life together outside my parents. I suppose that sig others can be a problem but sometimes they have good insight into stuff that you don't see. They need a little input because their lives and possibly their money might be involved.
My suggestion would be to get close to a decision yourselves, then have a meeting to say ‘this is our current best option, do you have any other suggestions?’. Immediate family can still make the decision. Spouses live with the consequences of what’s decided- visiting, clearing out house, garden and selling, etc. I can see why they would prefer to be involved at some level.
I am grateful I didn’t sit back and let decisions being made by my BIL, effect my marriage. His proposals would have had us doing the caregiving. All in the name of inheritance…
It's never ok for others to make decisions FOR us like that.
But I would not discount that you and your siblings may be dealing with a degree of FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt, and they may have a clearer picture of the situation. Just from your post, you say Mum has ALZ and you are placing her in AL. It may be that memory care or a nursing home is more appropriate for her.
If there is discussion about the parents moving into one of their children's homes, then the spouse has as much say as anyone and more than the children who will not be providing care.
In my case, Dad lives in a suite in my brother and SIL's house. My SIL has far more say than I do. She has the burden of him in her home, I do not .
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