My mom is 93 and still able to walk very short distances with a walker. (to bathroom, kitchen and back) She has a sharp mind, however, she does forget things. I have 6 older sisters and 1 younger brother. I am daughter #7. Daughter #6, my brother and I are staying the times our paid caregiver is not there. Our paid caregiver is there Monday to Friday 11:00am - 6:00 pm. My sister #6 is retired and my brother is also but works very part time, and I work fulltime. One of the other 5 sisters was Mom's caregiver for years but tried to commit suicide 3 months ago. She is now living with one of the sisters and will stay with another to give the other a break. We all range from 60-73 years old. Four of us help pay for her caregiver ($600 a week) We are needing each of us to stay 1 night with Mom. (6pm to 11am) We all have our problems, financial issues, etc. They can find the time to go out in the evenings but not 1 day a week for their Mom. They come by, bring Mom a dinner, stay an hour or so, (if that) leave and go about their lives. I feel like those whom are paying should get their money back when she passes. If they cannot help financially nor able to sit with her for 1 day a week, why should we split the money from selling the house evenly (per the will)? We should be able to get our money back and then split the sale of the house. What if anything can we do? 2 of the sisters are the Power of Attorney's which also help pay for Mom's caregiver.
This is how it worked with me. I had to hire a lawyer to have Moms house, which was left to my brother who did not want it, put back into the estate. The house was sold, and he ended up doing the closing. After Mom passed, I paid out of pocket for utilities for a few months till the house sold. I had the bills I paid and copies of my checks. That money became part of the audit. I was able to get my out of pocket back and the balance of the proceeds were split between my 2 brothers and I. I don't see why you and your siblings could not get your out of pocket for Moms care back.
Them doing a night a week for Mom, I would forget that. You can't make people do what they don't want to.
As for the house, it will pass according to the will. The only way to change this is for her to make a new will.
No one is forced to give up their life for their parent, that is a personal choice.
This plan is an imposition on all concerned, my mother is 98 so your mother could live for awhile yet, imposing her problems on everyone else.
At 93 we finally were able to place my mother in AL after fighting with her over this for 10 years, guess what, she loves it, wishes that she had done it sooner. New friends, activities, bus trips and she doesn't have to lift a finger.
We sold her house and it is used to pay the shortfall every month, most likely there will be nothing left, that is fine, as we did not have to give up our lives for her.
Some people on here have bluntly pointed out that it was my choice to help my 75 year old, 10 years estranged, mentally ill mother who showed up one day. My brother, 350 miles away, declined any part of it, wouldn’t even listen to me speak of her in the beginning of this mess.
Sometimes, all the choice are bad.
I also thought the poster who mentioned that all the siblings are now elderly was spot on. For years my MIL and her sister helped their parents age at home until grandpa died at 98. Grandma just moved to AL this year a month before turning 99. They endured about 3 years of middle of the night phone calls, having to take meals daily, transport to appts etc. There is a huge extended local family, but only a few people willing to help.
Caregiving, disrupted sleep, etc. is hard under the best circumstances, and all of you siblings are older. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect people to indefinitely do heavy duty caregiving like this, week in week out, even with such a large group of siblings, to share the load.
I definitely hope you can come to more equitable financial arrangement with your siblings about who is paying for what and anything that would be left to inherit.
sounds like she expected her kids to do it all, unfortunately. Does it not bother her how much you all have to scramble for her?
You and your siblings will spend $1800 each every year to pay for her aide. If she lives another five years, that’s $9,000 you have spent. (The other siblings should pay too.) What about you and your siblings old age? You are all going to wear yourselves out and by the time you all need help, none of you will be able to help the others.
If mom needs 24/7 care, it would make sense to put her in a facility. She won't like it but that's not the point. It's not about what she'll like but what is safe and appropriate.
Siblings almost never share the caregiving burden equally. Everyone does what they are willing to do. If some want to draw a line and say NO WAY, good for them. That should be respected. The rest of you should re-evaluate if you all really want to spend one night a week at mom's for years to come. I would say no thanks. If it was for a short term rehab situation, OK, do it. But not a long term solution to her caregiving needs. If siblings are feeling put upon because the imbalance of the workload, then they should be encouraged to back out without issue or shame.
Good luck.
Mom should be paying for caregivers NOT any of you.
But if this is how this is going for you...I am not going to get into it now.
The siblings that do not help out with care should then "pony up" the cost of the caregiver for the time that they should be doing a shift.
If the rest of you chose to extend the time the caregiver is there in place of the sibling then y'all get a bit of a break. OR you could chose to take that shift and pay yourself for the extra shift that you are doing.
Other option.
Everyone throws in the towel. Tell mom that this is just not working and she either needs round the clock caregivers or she needs to move to Assisted Living.
Explain to her that it is getting to the point where all of her children are unable to care for her safely.
Is this care plan working?
For Mom?
For the caregivers?
If not, what is needed to make it work?
More family?
What if they can't, won't, have no apptitude?
Non-family? Aka hired help.
If Mom does not have the funds for her care then I'd say obtain elder legal advice. What other options are there?
A new care plan that works will be needed. I know people don't like change but the needs keep increasing & changing - so the plan must too.
*Living at home as long as possible*. If Mom does get to the end of *possible* find the best solution that is close to your home, visit often, make connections with the staff. It can work. You will sleep in different places but you WILL still be very involved & can still care & show love.
That should have been a wakeup call to get mom to a facility.
The "plan" you currently have is unworkable.
Which 4 sibs are chipping in to pay the the caregiver $600/week?
Are any of the sibs neither taking the 17 hour night shift nor chipping in for the caregiver?
I think I need a spreadsheet of who's doing what and who's paying what to see who's not sharing the load. Was it agreed among all the sibs (again, excepting the sister who was sole caregiver for years) that this is what was going to happen?
Regardless, why is any of this going on? Why isn't your mother in a facility?
Please read your very first sentence over again. Do you think that being able to walk short distances with a walker in her home is being self sufficient?
Your mom is 93! She is not going to be improving. She will require more help as time passes by.
Your mother owns a home. Sell it and pay for care in an assisted living facility. When money runs out, she can apply for Medicaid. Doesn’t this seem more sensible than bickering over a sitting schedule?
We are not carbon copies of each other. Let your siblings live their lives the way they choose to. Don’t destroy your relationships over this.
How is fighting amongst yourselves helping your mother? Does your mother expect you to care for her at home?
If your mom wishes to receive care from her children, then say, ‘Oh Mom, wouldn’t it be great if everyone was able to get everything that they wanted in life?
Mom, you know as well as the rest of us, that isn’t real life. Even characters in fairy tales have challenges in order to teach children important lessons.
We will find a nice place for you to live and oversee your care. We want to return to being your children instead of being your caregivers.’
1. You are trying to control 2 things that are decidedly NOT under your control--the behavior of others and Mom's will.
2. The ONLY thing you have control of is your OWN behavior.
3. If you think you and the others paying for mom's care should be reimbursed, you should talk to the POA about getting reimbursed NOW or having mom pay for the hours you are currently paying for.
4. Each adult child gets to decide for themselves how involved they want to be.
If you are desirous of having a relationship with your siblings after mom dies, don't tell the others what they SHOULD be doing.
Rarely do all the children in a family provide equal care for their parents. It isn’t practical to do so. These are personal choices that each individual has to decide on their own.
Some siblings are wise enough to know their limitations. They are intuitive and will not do anything that they feel would greatly interfere with their own well being.
No one has to take their turn at hands on caregiving.
Why do I feel this way, even though I was the primary caregiver for my own mother? I wasn’t able to see things clearly when I was in the middle of it all.
Hindsight, lots of terrific advice from this forum and a great deal of therapy cleared up my confusion.
I truly hope your family will be able to find a caregiving solution that will benefit everyone in your family.
Take care.
Everyone knows their limits.
As far as who gets what money. If she still has a house, perhaps sell it to help pay for her care.
Hopefully, it's already written out, who gets what
Best to you, know your limits. You are all elderly too. Take care
I just want to add to what you said:
“You are being a good daughter!”
OP, the definition of a good daughter is not a servant, not a slave, and not someone who’s taken advantage of. Your siblings are ripping you off. And I hope your mom corrects the financial injustice.
A good daughter is the same as a good person. A good person is someone who isn’t just giving to others, but very good to themselves, too.
Anything else is called:
You’re a very good servant. A great slave.
This is a sorry game plan for all of you. You're protecting mom (you think) but sacrificing yourselves. Bad idea, and it's dysfunctional as H.
If your mom can still make decisions, then ask her to make things financially fair now.
Unfair siblings don’t change. They won’t suddenly become fair, after your mom’s death. They’ll probably be even more unfair. Vultures. Wanting money.
Here are a few examples of postings:
“I am an only child. I can’t possibly do everything that is needed for my parents.”
Many people with siblings have very little help or none at all from their siblings.
So, whether we have siblings or not, caregiving is hard. Whether they are at home or in a facility, it’s hard.
Another thing that we see is that some people feel that it is every child’s job to care for parents. No, it’s not everyone’s job. It’s not practical or realistic to feel that everyone in the family can be a caregiver for their parents.
Hands on caregiving should never be mandatory requirement for a child. Overseeing the care of a parent is equivalent to caring for a parent themselves.
Or some will say that it’s not fair for one sibling to do everything. No, technically, it’s not fair but when has life ever been fair? Life is rarely fair. It’s also not fair to ask your siblings to give up their lives to care for your parents.
We need to stop complaining about ‘fairness’ and things beyond our control and start taking action according to what we want for ourselves.
Just because no one else wants to share or accept the responsibility of caregiving for a parent doesn’t mean that we must do it all alone.
Caregiving alone is a recipe for burnout! Burned out caregivers usually aren’t the best caregivers for a parent. If they are married, life with their spouse and children will become challenging.
Smart caregivers hire additional help to avoid burnout. Caregivers who have decided that they no longer desire to be a caregiver can back away from caring and allow others to do the job.
Caregiving can be adequately provided for a parent through an agency, private care or facility care.
Some children need to get over the idea that no one will care for their parents as well as they do.
My wish is that all caregivers will find clarity and understanding that an elder is in need of care but they don’t have to do the caregiving themselves.
I want to add, it’s not that simple. Even people who have money to hire others, it’s not that simple.
Some problems just can’t be handed over to another person. For example, access to accounts or sensitive documents. You could hire a professional, but they might steal. It happens. You could let the State take over, but you might not want that.
Unless you totally walk away, you WILL still get stuck with tasks and problems to solve.
As someone who has harbored resentments - which only hurts me, or hurts me the most - I am telling you to completely give up your expectations. You will feel so much better if you can eliminate your expectations and go forward with those who do help.
I do think you should keep accounting records for who has donated what monies and square that up with the estate after your parent has passed away. But I am not 100% if that's okay or not, so I would consult someone with that knowledge (attorney or maybe start with your state's elder care services agency). I personally view funds donated by children in a situation such as yours should be repaid in this manner. It's seeming to be most common that siblings in the same family have different philosophies about these things.
They didn’t tell you the truth (that they won’t help), because if they do that: (1) they look bad, (2) they might get disinherited. So they played along as if they want to help. This way your parents also thought they wanted to help.
“who has donated what monies and square that up with the estate after your parent has passed away”
Better for OP to do that before the LO dies. After, you must follow the will. And unless the will clearly states, Child A owes this money, Child B is owed that money, then none of that will ever happen. Better get the accounting done now, while the LO is alive.
“most common that siblings in the same family have different philosophies about these things”
Most commonly, if one child starts helping, the others run away. It was always their plan to run away. If that helping-child didn’t exist, the others would still have loved to run away, but they can’t. They’ll feel like they have to at least search for a facility, do something, lift a finger.
In other words, the non-helping children were always going to not help. But if they can find a sibling who’ll help, they’re off the hook.