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My heart is heavy, I just need to talk to someone about what I am going through. My Mother in law moved from another state last year and she has always been close to my husband. So much so that it has created tensions in our marriage for the past 18 years. We almost broke up last year because of her.



When she moved to our state, she wanted to buy a new home, our neighbor was selling her house so my husband proposed that we would move in the neighbor's house while my mother-in-law would move into our house. When I refused, my husband got so mad at me and his mom was in full support of him, making me feel like I did something wrong for not wanting to move out of my own house. The deal with the neighbor's house failed and I was relieved to finally stay in my house. My mother-in-law ended up buying another house, 7 miles away from us. My husband and I talked about it and he told me that since his mom is now 81, he wants her to be as comfortable as possible.



We also decided that we will not be her caretaker and that we will hire help when the time comes. She is now 81, difficulty walking, completely dependent for all her chores, finances, groceries and my husband is doing it all. She also wants him to cut her hair, cut her nails, do her nails and run all errands that she can think of. It is so excessive that my husband is going through a burnout and refuses to acknowledge it.



Here comes the icing on the cake: months ago, she did look to hire a potential home care company but now, she changed her mind. And the worst part is that my husband and I used to travel every year and take a whole month vacation. She knows this and when we told her that we wanted to plan a vacation, then she said that she doesn't want to hire home care because she feels uncomfortable.



Instead, she wants my husband to drive her 600 miles from where we live, to stay with a family member and she wants him to come pick her up. Everything she wants, my husband makes it happen and he feels guilty if he doesn't do it. It is now affecting our marriage, we often argue because of her ongoing excessive requests and each time, my husband replies that she is older and that it is only for a season.



I am losing my mind, I need a break from this madness. It hurts me to see how he invests so much time and energy into her, yet he neglects me in the process. It hurts like hell, even though he says that he loves me, he doesn't realize the pain he causes me.



Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose. Has anyone experienced a such situation? What can I do to protect my marriage? I am walking on thin ice obviously and I need a break from it all. I cry often when I am alone, I think it's so unfair that a mother could interfere this much into the life of her children, without taking any responsibilities.



She is now 81 and has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease and I fear that she will ask us to take care of all of her needs, while we are already drained.



Thank you for your feedback.

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Just say no?
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Yes, I say no quite often and usually I do say no when I am fed up. But when I think about the damage this woman has done into our lives, I feel like I might say one "no" too many and it will break us. So I am walking on eggshells, knowing that she is older and dealing with the late stage of a chronic disease. Thank you for your answer. I appreciate your feedback.
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CindyRella2022, please tell hubby that up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers to a parent die leaving behind the person they were caring. Then what would his mother do? She would be without her son, and you without a husband.

It is very difficult to say "no" to one's parent and to set boundaries. I know I had to learn to say "no, I cannot possible do that" for things I could no longer do.

My parents were viewing me as a 35 year old with a lot of energy instead of being 65 years old, with my own age related issues. Plus I was still working full-time. My energy levels were drained.

I really think your mother-in-law would be so much happier living in senior independent living where she is around people closer to her own age. I remember when I Dad moved from his house to his 2 bedroom apartment which had a living room and a complete eat-in kitchen he was happy as a clam. He wished he knew about such a place earlier on. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service as part of his rent. Plus 3 menu meals in the restaurant style dining rooms. The women were all dressed to the nines.

As for hiring caregivers, your mother-in-law needs to pay for that, not you and your husband. Any retirement you and hubby have is there for your OWN retirement years. Otherwise your savings could be wiped out quickly if you start paying for Mom.

I wish you luck, this situation is a tough one.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Yes same thing here, my husband is 50 and yet, she sees him as a teenager and she even complains that he is not as energetic as he used to be. About two years ago, she wanted to be in a nursing home, then she wanted an assisted living facility but then, she opted out to buy a house close to her son. She claims him like he is her husband, that makes me so upset at times.


Now, she refuses to hire any help, she refuses to hire home care, and she tells my husband that she is not comfortable with strangers coming to her house. So in other words, she is telling my husband that she wants him to do everything for her. Comes Sunday evening, she sends him a one mile list of things to do, from going to the store to cut her hair, cut her nails, cut the lawn, take her to the post office, pays bills online, call the bank ect... ecf... And everytime I try to reason my husband that she is exaggerating and that he can do a few things at the time instead of making the whole list a priority, he tells me that he got this and that he is happy to help her.

The part that hurts me the most is that all the energy and all the attention that he used to give me is now going towards her. Even though I can understand that this is his mother and that I am willing to share some of our time with her, it's getting insane.

Thank you so much for your answer, knowing that someone understands what I am going through makes the journey a little easier this evening.
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Take a vacation by yourself. Your husband can spend his time caring for Mom. Or take Mom the 600 miles and take a plane out of an airport nearby to your vacation destination. If she is in end stage of renal failure, she will not be here for a long time. Dialysis can only to so much.

Seems its a fight you are not going to win. You really do not want him blaming you because he feels he could have done more for her. Maybe a compromise. One day a week is for you two only. A date.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about traveling alone, I guess I am still in this phase wondering what it would do to our marriage. This is so insane that a mother in law would be so intrusive that she would have a such negative impact on her child's life. She is end stage renal failure, 15 gfr but she decided not to do dialisis. So the doctors are managing her symptoms at this point however, she has lots of energy which is very surprising. I guess I can compromise, I already take care of all of her doctors appointments, medications ect... and I go clean her house in full every now and then. Thank you so much for your answer, it is truly a blessing.
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This is beyond excessive.

Tell your so that today is when he gets to choose. If he chooses her, he can go ahead and live with her for the month. Meanwhile your vacation will be a staycation in which you get your legal separation papers drawn up.

if this leech won’t get home care then she is left by herself until it’s so bad the state takes over if she doesn’t go to a home. It is a privilege to have any family help. If you can afford month long vacations then you don’t have to count on her condo or broken down house either.

You tried to lay down the law a year ago. Well this is the time to do it as he’s way too old to be married to mom.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about taking a vacation on my own, it would be weird because we usually travel together for the past 18 years. However, I can honestly say that I reached my breaking point. Thank you so much for your answer, I truly appreciate it.
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Meh, take her with you. She will not last long.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about it too, it's just that I feel so drained myself. I work for myself and since last year, my results are lacking. I truly need to renew myself and take care of me. I may have to revisit the thought. Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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Here's hoping and wishing your struggle will end SOON. That would be a relief for everyone involved including MIL.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is so sad but in the same time, it will be a relief. I know that it is difficult to share with the in laws that you need a break sometimes, that you need your time with your husband. If only she did understand and make it easy for us, I would have never felt this way towards her. Right now, i can say, because of the difficult time she is putting us through, it is hard to appreciate quality moments with her because her presence alone brings so much negativity into our marriage. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.
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A few suggestions:

1) Have you got all her paperwork in order? POA, Hippa (including you on the Hippa ‘just in case DH is not well’), DNR, Will etc? She is legally competent to sign now, and she may not be in future. Even getting all the paperwork in order may be a step in her working out that her time is coming. She needs to know that (whether she likes it or not) she is going to need more help than DH can provide.

2) Do you have a detailed diagnosis for the End Stage Renal Disease, with information about what care she will need? And also a best-guess about how long she still has to live? If it’s not long, perhaps you can cope with more than if it’s 3+ years.

3) DH is spending his time looking after his mother, but you are spending your time looking after him. Can you get yourself out of the picture for a while – a fake illness, a need to visit your own relations, a booked holiday that you can’t cancel? You may be complaining, but you are still propping him up. If you can find a way to stop, he may be more realistic about what he can do and what are his own best interests. With you somewhere else, it isn't just an argument with you.

4) Can you find alternative transport to take her the 600 mile return trip while you are on vacation, for which of course she needs to pay? It’s easy for her to ask when there’s no down-side for her. Get the real costs on the table, for all of you.

I think it’s clear that elders often have good intentions, which fade from their minds as they age and any change seems too difficult. You have a marriage at stake, MIL has nothing to lose by insisting, and at present DH has nothing to lose by agreeing with mother. How can you change the dynamic? Perhaps these suggestions may prompt you to think of other approaches. Yours, Margaret
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Your suggestions are truly food for thought, never really thought about removing myself out of the picture and letting my husband deal with the situation while I take a step back and focus on myself. Each time he gets drained and burned out, I am here taking care of him, cooking, preparing his bath, giving him a massage ect,,,,

it breaks my heart to see him like this. But as soon as he is feeling better, he is back to the same routine with his mom, so that is the dynamic. And if I share with him how I feel about his lack of attention towards me, then I become the bad guy.

In reading your message, I see a new possibility. I can stop complaining and I can start making a change by simply changing the way I react to it. This is truly empowering.

Thank so you much for your feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.
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dear OP!
:)

hug!!!

i hope you’re getting lots of great advice from everyone!! i hope the situation improves soon!!

“Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose”

then i think you’re right.
we all have strong gut feelings. and if you feel it could be intentional, it very likely is.

hug!!!
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I wish she would be honest and say that she needs some extra TLC and that she would respect our marriage, our time and stop interfering. Life would be so much easier this way. Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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What is your MIL's financial situation? Could she afford a facility? Who is her POA/HCPOA? Are there other siblings? How did your H come to be the designated caregiver?

If not a month-long vacation, then at least consider taking a week or two. Is there a friend or relative that you would like to visit?

Does your H still work fulltime? How is he doing at his job, with all the additional stress of taking care of his mother?

(Why do you draw his bath and give him massages? He can't give you attention, so stop doing extra things for him because he insists on being MIL's caregiving slave.)
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
She is very comfortable financially. She just bought a 400k house at 81 years old and everything she wants or think she wants, she can get it in a heartbeat. Money is not an issue for her.

My husband works from home so he works sometimes very early in the morning and late at night so he can accommodate her during the day. She refuses any help, any homecare and say that she wouldn't be comfortable with anyone coming to her home. She is doing this on purpose so that my husband takes care of her to the full extend.

Thank you for your advises, I know I have to work on myself to see a change in this situation. i truly appreciate your feedback.
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It appears your DH has been in this role for a long time. He wants to look after his Mom - be the 'Good Son'.

He may think he (& by extention, you too) must provide everything she asks - that to refuse would make him a 'bad son'. It happens quite a lot actually.

Some take on all the care, tasks, duties etc because they can't actually say no. Never would think to try. They feel they have no right at all to ever say no. Not to family. Never to a parent.

These may stay enmeshed & often lose their partner/marriage instead.

Some even succumb to illness & disease before the elder/care recipient.

Others WANT to say no occasionally, want to help out but within reason. Can see when other help is needed to be added in (eg home help). These folk need support & the tools to get strong enough to make good boundaries. To say no when needed to effect positive change.

This works by not holding up the house of cards: not propping up DH so much, so he can't prop up MIL so much & then MIL gets forced into adding outside help. (This is often needed if the elder lacks insight into their needs).

The above is oversimplifying things. But asking DH what HE wants to do is very important & will help with understanding his motives.

I know this is just a forum of strangers... but read through people's stories if it helps you. See if any ideas or advice feels right.

Maybe even take yourself on a day trip to think things over.
Or consider talking to a trained therapist to help think things through. It doesn't have to be ALL MIL care or divorce him now. There are many middle pathways too.
Eg if you let your DH go now, let HIM see out this end stage with his Mother (without you) but said you'd be waiting when he eventually came home - is that something you'd consider?
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is so hard for me because in reality, I want to b here for him if something happen to his mom. I lost my mom years ago and he was here for me. So any move in that direction might really hurt him. I wish he was strong enough to tell his mom that she is affecting our marriage. Thank you for sharing your view, it does help me to see so much support on this forum.
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This is on your husband.
It is his place to set and keep boundaries that are important to keep his family intact. He obviously is not doing that.
Plan the vacation you want to go on. Plan it for yourself and kids if any. let him take MIL on the road trip and you enjoy your vacation.
While on vacation you need to do some thinking about what your next steps are.
Are you going to continue in this way, having your husband part time?
As she declines more he may feel obligated to do more. Can you accept that knowing that it is a "matter of time" (although you can not predict how much time) And there is a good possibility that he will feel obligated to be her caregiver 24/7. Are you in a position to help him? Or can you support him if that is his decision?
I suppose I have just asked more questions than you have...
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I have told my husband that when his mom gets in the last few weeks of her life, I will be here to support him and her. He knows that I am willing to do that and help him go through the pain because it is a difficult thing to go through. However, even though her kidney function has declined dramatically, it is amazing to me how she can still have so much energy, and make so many outrageous demands. So taking a vacation on my own now is an option and I am strongly considering it now, after reading all the messages on this forum. Thank you so much for your help, I truly appreciate it.
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I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband has decided to be there for his mother and this will be a very hard loss for him in the end. They have had a very close relationship for many years so this is no surprise. Honestly, time is not on her side if you are able to hang in there. Try to be supportive to him but step back when you need some breathing space. Try not to participate in her personal care as that is on your husband. I realize it makes you feel like an outsider but I think your husband would feel great guilt if he was not there for his mother in the end. If he went on a vacation at this time and she passed - he might blame you. Try to be patient as this too shall pass.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
This same thought keeps resonating inside of me and I receive your advice. It is a difficult situation. I think I am feeling so drained because his mother has been interfering in our marriage for the past 18 years. Out of respect for her, I kept it quite but she saw the damage she did and never took responsibilities for her action. I do realize that this is a critical season for my husband and I truly want to be here for him. I will follow your advice, trying to do my best while stepping back and taking care of my own health. If she was to pass, I know he will need me beside him and truly, I want to be beside him in a such difficult time. Thank you so much for your feedback, I sincerely appreciate it.
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Dear OP, others have given you good advice. I hope you take it.

Please go on a vacation YOURSELF. It could be a week at a resort hotel, a cruise or a tour of some country or city that you've alway longed to visit. Just do it.

DH is married to mom. Maybe your jaunt will wake him up to this, maybe not. But stop going out of your mind trying to change his. Get on with what you'd like to do.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I believe that the fact that his mother is now in the terminal stage of her disease, even though she sill have lots of energy, in the back of my mind I realize that there is a chance that she may pass soon. Then again, soon may be in a few years from now. So I am walking on eggs right now but I know that I have a better idea on how to approach the situation. All the messages on this forum truly lifted me. Thank you so much for your feedback, it is truly appreciated.
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Cindy,

Book your own vacation. I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico. You don't need a passport for Puerto Rico. Tell hubby he is welcome to join you for all or part of the vacation (after you've already booked.)

If MIL has 15 GFR and refuses treatment it does not sound like she has long in the big picture.

You have got to take care of yourself first.

Also tell hubby many family caregivers die before their loved ones die due to stress.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I told him that many caregivers end up being sick themselves and today, we watched the movie "The Father" which is the story of an older man who has Alzheimers and his daughter is getting drained while taking care of him. She ended up putting him in a nursing home. Even though we did not talk about his mom, I know that the whole time he watched the movie, he was thinking about his mom. In the movie, the daughter and her husband had to cancel their vacation just because the father was acting up. The husband became very bitter towards her father. I could see that my husband's mind was all over the place and he realized the damage of what caring for an older parent can do to a relationship. So now, I will apply all the great advices that I received on this forum and I know at the end, there will be peace for everyone. Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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Cindy,

I just reread your post and your concern about protecting your marriage. It sounds like your husband is in a zone of doing for Mom first and it sounds like this has gone on for years.

To protect your marriage you need to protect your self and take care of yourself.

Perhaps consider a 1 week vacation. Tell husband he is welcome to join you or not but tell him you need a break due to the stress. You are responsible for you. Husband is responsible for himself and how he interacts with Mom.

Life is about change. A one week or 10 day vacation on your own sounds reasonable.
I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico.

Big picture I'd step way back from the situation. You can't change husband. Only husband can change husband. Start going out for dinners with girlfriends etc. Make plans with girlfriends.
Get out and have some laughter.

Drop the rope.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I start to get the fact that I need to put myself first and let him deal with his mom. In our 18 years of marriage, we never had a single solo vacation so this would be a huge change for him, and I know it will make him react. However, I am so drained and tired, that when I will do it, I will do it just so I can make a break for myself and enjoy my time. I truly feel it would be beneficial, Thank you so much for your suggestion, I appreciate it.
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With ESRD she will eventually need either home care or nursing home care. You and your husband will have to look into setting that up in the near future. As for vacation, I don't know that she will be able to take a 600-mile drive, if she is physically up to it, if the other party is willing to care for her, then she will be with someone she knows, and you'll be able to go away without worry. It sounds like a possible solution for your vacation issue. Only thing is, the hubs may have to take some time for the driving portion. Maybe you'll have to take a lovely 3-week holiday, which is still longer than most people have for vacation. Sounds good to me. I mean life changes and throws obstacles at us. Having an elderly parent can be tough. We all cry about it, but you'll survive and likely your marriage will too (if you allow it to).
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I found a lot of wisdom in your message, I already mentioned to my husband that a such drive could affect his mom even more but when we shared it with her, she said that she still want to do it . She has difficulty walking and after her last road trip last year, she was unable to walk without a walker, yet she now says that if she cannot walk after the road trip, then she will be in a wheelchair. So she takes absolutely no responsibility for her action and wants us to take care of her. I agree with you that with ESRD, she will soon need home care or nursing home care but in her mind she doesn't need them. Another thing that hit me is that her mental health seems on the decline and even though she can have some long conversation, her reasoning is not what it used to be. For the past three years, she refused to do a Cognitive Assessment which is required by Medicare every year. So yesterday, I contacted her doctor to plan one and I told her about it. She just said thank you. However, in the light of a potential early dementia, then many of her irrational behaviors would finally be explained. Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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I feel your pain. I am married to a momma's boy too. She has dementia and doesn't know who he (or anyone else) is, but he still does whatever she wants or did want when she was cognitive.
It's getting ridiculous for me too. Her power went out the last time we traveled for a one night sleepover, and it ruined our trip. I know I overreacted because I just knew something was going to happen and I blew it out of proportion. But still, that is the mental state I'm in after years of living with this dynamic. It truly sucks.
I used to think it was good I found someone who treated their mother well, but boy have I rethought that. Besides dementia that just effects her memory, she is healthy as a horse at 92 and the odds are good she will outlive my husband. I do not know who will care for her then, as it will not be me. (of course, there is more to that story and my relationship with my MIL that predates her present memory issues, I am not just being arbitrarily cruel). Hugs to us both ()
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I do understand. Many people think that when a daughter in law start to complain about their elderly mother in law, it must be because they do not love them. I find this to be untrue. Many of us love and have loved our mother in law but as anyone who hurt us, we all have a breaking point. I do understand perfectly what you are going through and I hope there will be a solution in your situation too. Like many suggested on this forum and I find the advice very powerful, if we allow ourselves to be out of the picture for sometime, then there is a chance that our husbands realize that their priorities are off. I hope your situation will get better, we deserve to be happy. Thank you for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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Hi Cindy,

I saw your comments on walking on eggshells. That is a very tough situation in a marriage.

Understand this is really a husband situation as he refuses to outsource things even though there is the money to hire caregivers.

Let him go solo on the 600 mile trip with Mom. You do your own thing.

Reconnect with friends. Reconnect with neighbors. Do things with your kids.
Houses of worship have classes and groups. Connect with others there.

Step way back. Let husband do what he is going to do (you can't change him).

Take that solo vacation.

Life is about change and growth. Marriage is about change and growth.

Prioritize yourself. Step way back.

I'd hire a once a month cleaning service for MIL and stop cleaning MIL's house.

It could be husband moves in with MIL for the last 6 months or so of MIL's life. Be prepared for that and keep living your life.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I'd hire a once a month cleaning service for MIL too but she refuses any external help. Really it is so ridiculous, and guess who ends up cleaning her house now that I have stopped? Yep.... Hubby! She wants him to act like her husband and he is doing everything she asks him to. On one hand, if it was to help her every now and then, I would understand and I would gladly participate but the way she goes about it, making all kinds of demands, I simply can't. I believe that if my husband could realize the manipulation, then it would improve our relationship. Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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First... THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY... HE IS!
Your husband has abandoned his marriage vows! This is HIS choice, not yours. You've done nothing wrong but coddle him when he doesn't deserve it!
I'm going to now refer "mommy" as the "other woman" in this marriage, because that's what she is! She's a home wrecker in her own special way and she is using your husband for whatever she can get. Just as a gold digger does.
Don't wait another dark day in your precious life!
Take your FAIR share of the money and open an account of your own that he DOES NOT have access to. He WILL use it for the other woman believe me!
After your new account has been established, tell him you are booking the usual month long vacation (using his share of the money cause he owes it to you!)
It's now his choice to decide to go on vacation or stay with the other woman. If he goes, he has to make all arrangements and take the other woman to wherever she is staying or have hired help in place when it's time to leave, because you are going on leave on the date with or without him. ( no waiting on an extra bit of time. Let him struggle because you are finally putting yourself in control.)
You are NOT to do any more favors or help him in any way! That means no sex, massages etc!
If he decides to go, great! Perhaps he will have a chance while on vacation to realize how far down her rabbit hole she has taken him.
If he chooses to stay with this other woman, even after vacation, then you've got 2 options. 1. Cancel vacation and get your own place with the money and move out, change your phone# and don't tell him your new address. or 2, tell him you are going alone on the month vacation since he refuses to leave the other woman's side. He will be forced to cook, clean 2 houses, yard work, cater to the other woman etc. Believe me when i say, life will be VERY hard for him without you while you are on some sunny beach soaking up the rays or doing whatever you feel inclined to do. This time is for him to decide which woman it's going to be... you or her. It gives him a second chance of time to either hire full time help for his mom with HER funds or place her into assisted living also her funding.
Make it very clear that if at the least hired help is not in place at the end of your vacation, you will not return home and that you WILL be filing for a divorce because you've been down this dead end path before and you're not going down it again.
If he chooses the other woman, then you got your answer. Let him fend fit himself ...fix his own meals, clean up and do his own laundry.. ya know a continuation of when you were on vacation.
File for your divorce. If he thinks he's got problems now, just wait! He'll perhaps need to sell the house to get your share of equity, then he will be forced to live with said other woman.
Once divorce is settled, you are free to go and do whatever your heart desires.
Meanwhile, he has chosen to be the other woman's slave so he gets to do what his heart desires. It's a win win win for all 3 of you in this marriage !
After other woman passes, he'll find you and come running back with flowers, gifts, apologies and promises of doing better because he realizes how much he misses you, loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
That's when you simply tell him, he made it very clear when given both ultimatums where his loyalties lie and you're not nor will ever be his top priority. Simply say you're not interested, please place flowers on other woman's grave or give them to someone else who might really care because you no longer do. Smile at him tell him you wish him the best always and close and LOCK the door on him. Never will he take advantage of you again. If you don't grow a strong backbone, you'll be here again asking for more advice.
I wish you the best of luck with your unfaithful husband. Many hugs to you because you deserve it!
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2022
Since when is sex a favor?
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Well, at THIS juncture, with the MIL having a 15 gfr and refusing dialysis, she doesn't have much longer left to live. So to give DH ultimatums NOW is a waste of energy, in my opinion. The time has come & gone for you to have done that. It's too late now, in other words; the relationship she has with her son is abnormal, to say the least, but it's THEIR relationship and you're not going to change it at this late date. Let him continue doing what he's been doing b/c if he doesn't, he'll wind up hating himself forever. If he goes on vacation with you, let's say, and doesn't cater to mom, and she dies, he'll be wracked with grief for life. Not worth it.

Now, if she was not THIS sick, my advice would be totally different. But with things as they are, I would stick around for DH, be there for him AND for your MIL now. Get a house cleaning service to come into to clean her house though, b/c ya gotta draw the line SOMEWHERE, and physically killing yourself scrubbing floors is over the top. Be 'the good wife & daughter in law' now that the end is near and be supportive and loving for both of them (not that you haven't in the past), it's just that NOW is a critical time where they both need your strength & support. Don't take a vacation alone, b/c where's the fun in that anyway? If you need an escape from all the stress that's going on, check into a spa hotel for a few days; get the works; massages, hair/nails/facial/saunas, all they have to offer, including room service. That will relax you and recharge your batteries for what lies ahead with the end-of-life process. DH will need you; it's hard to go thru this w/o a loving spouse; I just lost my mother, so I know I would have fallen apart w/o my DH next to me the whole time.

Look into getting MILs doctor to write an order for a hospice evaluation for her, if this hasn't happened already. She can either go into a hospice home or get them to come into her home to care for her. Beware, however, that they will only come in for short periods of time and not daily until she is actively dying. It will be on you and DH or caregivers that you HIRE to care for the woman personally. She can go into a Skilled Nursing Facility, but, she'd have to agree to it, and so would DH. Your best bet may be to get her and DH to agree to hiring 24/7 caregivers to come into the home; explain to DH that neither one of you are QUALIFIED to care for end of life RENAL FAILURE and unless he wants her to die in the hospital, then this is the best avenue to take: in home CGs with hospice coming in as an extra layer of support and to administer comfort meds as needed; hospital bed/supplies, all paid for by Medicare. DH has to prepare for the end now; as the 'good son', he has to do the 'right thing' for his mother, and trying to care for her all alone isn't the 'right thing'. See if you can get that through to him now, so you can formulate a care plan moving forward and don't have to deal with the situation on an emergency basis!!!

I realize your MIL does not 'want' strangers in her home; but DH is going to have to tell her that you & he are not equipped/qualified to care for her at THIS level of illness, and that caregivers must be brought in or she must go into Skilled Nursing for daily care. He can't manage a mile long list of demands from her, either........he's got to see that a compromise MUST be reached here. If not, then I guess you have no other alternative BUT to stay OUT of the picture while he runs himself ragged. Come back into the fray when she's literally on her death bed with a week or less to live; then you can be his rock. I doubt he's doing all this b/c he 'doesn't love or respect you'......it's to do with his 'guilt' that mother installed in him and feelings of obligation that's too late to change. Sad but true.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult and draining situation.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
My mother is law is also incontinent. One day, my husband asked me that since she refuses home care and when she reaches the end of life, if I would be willing to help clean her while we hire nurse to take care of her. I say yes, I will help her. So he knows that I will be here for him and for her, in case of extreme situation. In reading your message, I do realize that the end might come closer than I previously thought. So there will be a moment where she will have no other choice than to accept the home care help. I want to be here for my husband in this difficult time, so as you said, I might have to be a little bit more patient. Thank you so much for your wisdom. I truly appreciate your message.
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I agree with Lea here. Since you're here asking for advice, I am going to assume that your intention is to try and save your marriage. If your husband has been behaving like this as long as you say, not only will an ultimatum at this point be futile, but could very well come back to bite you, should hubby choose you: because if he chooses you, once his mom passes away, he will be consumed by guilt, which will likely morph into resentment towards you. Then the only difference in your relationship as it stands now will be that MIL will be coming between the two of you after she's gone, rather that while she's still here.

Now, by no means am I suggesting you continue to be a DIL doormat while MIL is still among us. If I were in your position, I think I might have a conversation with my husband to this effect: "OK, hon, I understand how very much you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your mom, to the exclusion of some of your other responsibilities, and I won't try and insult your intelligence by pretending that there weren't times that I very much resented this; that there were times when, whether or not this was your intent, I felt like you were choosing her well-being over mine. But I also understand that she is nearing the end of her life, and I will try to be more supportive about your decisions to take care of her. I will make that attempt out of concern for YOUR well-being as much as - and in some cases more than - hers. But there are things I am just NOT personally willing to do... "(and then you give him your list) "but I will help you find someone who will." (and in this case I am thinking bathing/dressing/toileting - things a mom might not be comfortable with her son doing for her, but would be comfortable with her DIL - you - doing).

If you still need a vacation, then there is nothing wrong about going by yourself or with some friend(s). While my husband and I love to travel together, we also go places without each other, because we each have interests that don't appeal to the other, and that's ok. They are not mutually exclusive of each other. So go on a little jaunt without hubby, and then plan one with him once MIL has passed away.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is like walking on eggs but it's also a moment where I, myself realize that she is nearing the end of her life. For some reason, I was under the impression that with ESRD, people can still live a long life even without dialysis. I may be wrong on the topic. I feel like I need a break to renew myself, especially now that I know what is coming. I will have to be strong for him. Thank you so much for your message and advice, I truly appreciate it.
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I hear what everyone is saying. But at the same time, they’re not actively dying.

My MIl for instance has an aggressive form of non Hodgkins, diagnosed at s4. Every week we would hear about how she was allegedly dying but she’s still here. And so if fil, two head operations, one heart op, and a bowel resection. SO could have insisted on living there two years now, which would have long since ended our relationship.

Instead, he told them that they needed more help. Which they’re getting. He certainly wouldn’t be over there cutting her hair or nails in any case.
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Beatty Mar 2022
Yes *timeframe* is a BIG factor.

I have seen friends leave their work/life/family to support end stage conditions. Short timeframe - no regrets.

But my LOs that need toe nails cut have significant ongoing mobility & health issues - varying in shades of life limiting but nothing terminal. Could be 5, 10, 15 years.

Different kettle of fish (or feet).

Add in DH's mob with potential for a growing spectrum of life limiting/mobility/cognitive care recipients.. whoa, another whole ocean of fish! (feet)

I'd be a full-time podiatry worker!

(Now there's a job opportunity.. oh wait Podiatrists already exist 😁)
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CindyRella2022, something just dawn on me, we need to rethink this.

In the majority of cases where the mother-in-law needs someone to help her, it is usually the daughter-in-law who finds herself doing ALL that work. Be thankful you are not in that situation. Whew !!

I would see what chores hubby needs help with around your own house and you do some for him, and let him know you did because sometimes spouses are blind to what we actually do :) See how he reacts. Hope it is positive.

And later down the road, if you should need such help with age related issues, you know that hubby has been well trained to handle it all.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
At the end, we all try to make sense of a difficult situation. I always wanted the best for my mother in law, and wishing her well in everything. It's just that her behavior and her clinging to my husband has created so many difficulties in our lives, I wish that she would have had the elegance to keep a distance and let us live our lives. I am already helping around our own house, on the things that he normally does, I do go the extra mile and he appreciates it. For me, it is so difficult to see him getting drained. I wish there was a way for him to understand that he needs to take care of himself first. And I feel l need to do the same thing for myself. I believe that everything will find a perfect ending. I thank you for your message, it is truly appreciated.
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Dear cindy

firstly sending love to you all at this hard time.

im relatively new to all this, but my dad has been declining in health for the last 3 years. Mum is main carer, my supports increased, but last 6 months have been a big decline, and mum is 83 so I’ve stepped up even more. Feet are a speciality!

has it taken its toll on my marriage, yep without any doubt, My OH is the sweetest most amazing patient guy in the world, but If I’m not exhausted I’m anxious and I’m not the full of beans person I was a year ago. I’m an only child and my parents live 7 miles away. I say similar things like your husband and I feel the guilt if I don’t help.

now your MIL has been diagnosed with ESRD, as all the brilliant advice been given here, she may not have long left, and I doubt that hubby will want to make any changes to the support he’s giving, and it’s likely when things get tougher he’ll be there more. But he needs to get help in, (my dad had a long stay in hospital so after that we got a carer in 4 times a day as part of renablement in the uk, which really helped)

I would try and get him some respite - can you get someone in for a few hours to do chores at MIL so at least OH can get a break from that stuff. Can you do an overnight stay somewhere localish together - just one night. is there someone closer than 600 miles you could get to stay for a night.
How can you two get breaks, even if it’s a coffee and a walk? My time with my OH are dog walks which once were “jobs” of the day! I’d even consider getting someone in to do the chores in my house when things get tougher, as the time you have together should be yours and keep your energy as much as you can. You might not get that month vacation at the right time, but it will happen later on. My OH reminds me it’s ok to take a break all the time, it’s not an ultimatum but a reminder to take care of myself so I can help them.

my heart really goes out to you all. I hope the time ahead is as peaceful and comfortable as it can be.
you obviously love your husband very much. Let that love get you through.
I wish you all the best

xxxxx
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I agree that having an elderly parent going through illness is a difficult thing and I am sorry for what you are experiencing yourself. And I strongly believe that these type of situations, while challenging, can be so much smoother when the bulk of the work doesn't fall on one person or couple only.

I could take a day with my husband and do something different with him but lately, when he comes home he is so drained, that he has no energy left for us or for me. Even our conversations are now most about his mom. And since she refuses all other help, she forces herself upon her son and he feels that this is his role to take care of her.

She may not have long to live and I know it is going to hurt when she will leave us however, I have no energy or desire to help her go through this stage of her life. Some people think it is a selfish behavior but for me, it is a survival on. Since she moved close to us and my husband is giving her all of his extra time and attention, I gained 15 pounds and I know that deep down inside, there is a little depression. I am fighting it and I must say that I feel so much better when I put myself first.

Thank you so much for sharing your feedback. I truly appreciate it.
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Cindy, another thought.

If YOU have a cleaning person, or if you have a friend or neighbor who does, take that person with you next time you go over with DH to clean MIL's home. Introduce this person as a friend and clean with her, at least initially. Maybe tell Mil that this is someone who needs more work.

The key here is that she doesn't want STRANGERS in there home. So bring friends.

I see that you take her to doctor's appointments. At her next visit, I would bring up to the the doctor how worn out your husband is, and that you are afraid. that Mil is killing her son with her demands. (Prep the doctor beforehand with a note). Your MIL is of that generation that listens to doctors.
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Countrymouse Mar 2022
This could help a lot - given the right doctor. Some can be astoundingly obtuse! and perhaps not fully on board with encouraging supported independence.

So I should reconnoitre first, just in case the doctor shoots the fox by telling MIL how lucky she is to have such a wonderfully devoted son...
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Cindy, one more thought. This is a long-standing pattern of behavior, this dance between your husband and MIL. And it seems, judging from last year's kerfuffle over his request/demand that you vacate your home for her, one that he does not see anything wrong with.

I would strongly recommend that you find a therapist to work with you on finding ways to set some boundaries and make sure that you feel like you have someone in your corner.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is so interesting because he can go to the extreme and then regret his behavior and ask me to forgive me for the pain he caused. I have no doubt that he loves me and I love him too but his bond with his mother is simply toxic. When she was still very healthy about 15 years ago, do you believe she would call him 3 to 4 times a day ? Oh my God this woman felt so entitled on all level, this is insane.

Now that she is older and weaker, I have compassion for her but I am unwilling to sacrifice my own happiness to make her happy. While she will be here, there will be no reasoning with my husband. He simply doesn't listen or accept this fact. It is extremely difficult to help him see that his behavior is excessive. I believe that the only thing that would make him react is if I was to decide to travel on my own for sometimes.

In our 18 years of marriage, it never happened because we always traveled together, including traveling overseas. Thank you for your extra thought, I appreciate it.
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Just wondering, has their doctor told you guys exactly what her numbers were at? I know a friend of mine who’s father was on dialysis was given information regarding his kidney function and even with dialysis he did not last two years. Granted, he ate poorly and was a large man so contributing factors even still I have not heard of many living long with end stage without treatment.

Was on the donor list and everything, general consensus seems to be ESRD patients do not live long without dialysis, and thankfully the death is generally not painful.

The aspect of her having an ample energy makes me wonder though, since every person I have seen that required dialysis as the toxins built up they got sluggish and lethargic to the point that even the most ambitious dyspeptic would acquiesce to the need for help no matter from where it came from.

Also I wish you all the best, many here understand your position but on the outside in the wild very view will understand your position. Many will praise the actions of your husband, while condemning yours. The praise especially from healthcare professionals may lead to even embolden the position your husband has taken, making it that much harder to sway or have him understand your position. Trend carefully cause your MIL will die, and how you navigate this leg of the journey will determine if your marriage dies with her also. Your husband will not be able to be reasoned with, he will most definitely have many more voices that support his actions.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Her gfr is now 15, so she is right at the beginning of ESRD. She has anemia and she is getting more tired than she used to be but she is fighting it. This is the part that blows my mind. She may understand what is happening, I am unsure and that would explain this energy she is displaying. When people fight illness, it is common for them to deny it and act like it's not even here.

Today, we went to see her and she was still sleeping at 12pm, she did not get out of the bed but once she heard we were coming, she used all the energy she had to make sure she would display normal behavior. She forgot to take her blood sugar and was complaining about forgetting many things lately. There is a cognitive change in her so she is getting diagnosed soon, even though she was against the idea.

Today, at breakfast, my husband suggested that we used our backyard to create a house for her so we can better look after her. I told him that I did not want to and he asked me why. Again, I had to repeat myself and I used my words wisely and he understood. He said that he will not bring it up again.

You are so right, we are now walking on eggs in our relationship, all because of her refusal to get help. It is so difficult because now that her mind seems to be affected, I cannot see her making rational decision anymore. So if she gets properly diagnosed, it might help my husband se that some of her behaviors are irrational.

I pray that we survive this challenge, I simply cannot understand how he can force her on us and not even think about how it is affecting us. Thank you so much for your support, this conversation truly helped me see things from a different angle.
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I feel for you CIndyrella.

Is she on hospice yet? If not, she should definitely be evaluated for that.

Have her current docs that diagnosed renal failure given an estimate on how long she can live in this condition?

Is her paperwork in order? Will, living will, POA, etc.?

Soooo many elders say they don't want helpers. Oh well. I feel like TOO BAD. It's so grossly unfair to expect sooo much of your husband.

Housecleaning? Hire someone today! Even though you are not doing it, your husband is at the end of his rope too and should not have that additional burden. That's a real easy one to offload. If she doesn't want to be there, have hubby bring her to your house for a few hours though that's kind of ridiculous too. My mom lives with me and complains every time the cleaning people come. I had to hire them (with her $) since she can not take care of her room or bathroom anymore. She's always saying maybe we should cancel this time and I say NOPE they are coming! Ugh.

There are many things your husband can get help with ASAP. Cutting the grass? Hire a service today. He should not be doing that. Home maintenance? Hire someone. Her nails? Good lord - take her to a nail salon for a nice mani/pedi as needed.

Shopping? Cut down on the amount of times he will go to the store or have groceries delivered. Amazon is an excellent source to have so very many things delivered right to her doorstep.

He can set some boundaries yet still be there for her.

As for your vacation - I say go for it! Tell hubby you really need a break and you understand if he does not want to go away right now you understand but you hope he can also understand that you could really use a vacation. Maybe even just go somewhere not too far away for a long weekend? Have a spa weekend! Get a massage, do yoga, eat well, read a good book, get in a hot tub. Pamper yourself - even if it's an hour away, it would still be a getaway and you could just relax!

Best of luck.

Since she is likely near the end of her life, your husband should spend his time WITH her, not doing all these chores!
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Everything you mention, I do understand and I already shared that with him. It always lead to an argument. Because his mom refuses the help, then he feels that he needs to provide and give her what she has asked for. So in order words, whatever she says, goes.

This is so awful, so many times this woman has disrupted our happiness, but now the real culprit is my husband because he is acting like her son and forgets to be my husband.

I hope that there will soon be a light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for your message, I am truly happy for all the support I received from this forum.
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The F.O.G. has lifted somewhat for you CindyRella - you can see the underlying issue;

"he feels that he needs to provide and give her what she has asked for"

WHY? Why does he feel he cannot say No?

You can't force him out of his own F.O.G & there may not be time.. so just stick to your own boundaries & say a polite no when you need to.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I think he now believes that she has very little time left to live and this is why he gives so much of himself to try to please her in every way. This is getting a bit more and more obvious.

Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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you all need help - its a difficult situation. but you sound selfish
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BluebonnetCA Mar 2022
Your reply is not helpful. It is not selfish to worry about your husband and your marriage. She needs help, not judgement.
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