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Though I Love and adore my 96 yr. old father, living with him 8 yr., with my emotional support dogs and beloved butterfly garden, but... His money is running out and the only way we could continue to go on is if I find contract work. Diagnosed with disabling anxiety and depression after 5 yr. of nearly fatal illness, my dad took me in. Though I repaid him with disability and contribute monthly, My dad's growing demands and deteriorating Alzheimers with Screaming outbursts, eviction threats (though I contribute $ mo. & soo much more) and the loneliness for a personal life overwhelmed by fear of poverty, as I don't get enough SS $ to live at our current, frugal level, forcing me into near homelessness. My dad has not drawn up a will nor an agreement to solidify his promise that if he sells his house, that he will pay for my relocation and 3 mo. rent. I'm 66 but look younger, attractive but I'm insecure, afraid to date again, after disastrous imposters. Unable to save but tiny nest egg, to keep us afloat. I don't want to desert dad, but don't think I could work anymore, given the 24/7 burden, exhaustion. The burden of selling the house and preparing everything for sale or moving the would be even more burdensome: Get panics attacks at the thought. I owe my dad so much, And I know he wants more than anything to stay and for me to care for him, And he would be forced to live with my sister which would be miserable, But she could care for him financially along with his social security. I'm afraid to tell my psychiatrist the depth of my fear and desperation. There is no one who is in a position or willing to help me. If I can recover my confidence, I may be able to find work once I'm on my own and have the bandwith, but things are so uncertain and terrifying. If I Stay, I have a roof over my head and periodic moments of dealing with Dr. Jekyll and not just Mr. Hyde. I spend nearly all my time in my Room when I'm not doing chores. I'm trying to decide if the price I'm paying for this precarious is something I can endure, as his ALZ worsens. Only I seem to be the one to see him as Mr. Hyde. My sister makes excuses that is just memory that he's always been like this. She's very thin skinned. I'm not just venting. I have looked into golden girl type arrangements but haven't found any in my area yet. And I have no guarantee my dad will honor his promise to resettle me once he sees what's netted by selling the house and belongings. I can almost bet he will blame me for the debt, though I can prove it's his or household. Please don't respond with anything negative just constructive advice and support, As I'm fragile enough at this point. I've done my best to offer support to everyone else on this group and now it's my turn to ask. Please.

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You have a lot going on. From what you’ve written, it’s not just material concerns but emotional and mental ones as well.

What about a Medicaid and a Memory Care facility for your father? You understand there is no reverse gear on Alzheimer’s, right? No matter how dedicated your sister is to caring for him, burnout for her is on the horizon if she takes on his care. Dad may wind up in a facility anyway. If his disease is progressing the way Alzheimer’s does, his ability to reason is compromised.

Determination to make the changes you want to make in your life is key to your emotional and mental well-being. These changes cannot happen overnight. Regardless of whether your sister believes your father has Alzheimer’s or not, the fact is you need (want?) out. Something has to change. Small steps. Set a goal for yourself and achieve it with the help of your therapist. It must start with you.
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Maltesemom Apr 2019
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Apparently, I didn't adequately convey my medical inability to work (mental & physical health issues). Reverse mortgage makes my keeping the house if/when Dad "moves on" anywhere impossible. Making a plan and taking baby steps is a definite solution though the steps are the challenge. I'm going to look into a way to speak to an attorney ($?) who's knowledgeable about my disability, documenting that I cared for dad for 2+ years, tax/trust law. Finding an affordable place doesn't exist, given my limited income, medical, pet and personal expenses leaves me with insufficient funds. Please don't dispute me on this, as I've researched extensively. A Golden Girls or Sugar Daddy (joking) are my only viable options.
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This is your shopping list:

Somewhere secure and affordable to live
Gainful employment
A widening social network

As you are already in contact with social services providers, can they put you in touch with an adviser who can help you towards these goals? If you don't fancy that idea, what about looking online for advice organisations related to housing and employment.

You and your father having been propping each other up for eight years, but it already hasn't been working and it is going to get worse. He cannot provide you with certainty - he probably doesn't even know the answers you want, even if he were prepared to tell you - and his own needs are increasing.

Finding your own place and your own source of income is step one, because this is "putting on your oxygen mask" before you try to help anyone else.

Once you've done that, or at least made progress, everything else will begin to get back into perspective. At the moment you're seeing ALL of the things that need to happen all at once. As though you had to sort your Dad's care, pack up the house, start a new job, rent an apartment, fight off your sister and solve global warming all by the end of this week.

DO talk to your psychiatrist about how afraid you are. You must. There are techniques you can use that will stop your genuine, well-founded anxieties turning into crippling panic and overwhelming you.

I'm supposed to be putting my own CV together now, as I type. It is a bit of a mess :/ to put it politely. You are not alone!
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If you have provided what a doctor would document as "medically necessary care" for your dad, for a period of two years, depending on Medicaid rules in your state, you may remain in dad's home if he enters a nursing home on Medicaid. Your own golden girls house. The rule is in place to assist caregivers and avoid their own impoverishment placing strain on other government programs. It sounds like you have a caseworker now, talk to that person, and definitely the full truth with your psych doc, allow them to help you they cannot without you being completely open and honest.
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Maltesemom Apr 2019
My nurse casewrker is with my health insurance co. I will definitely within to some of your recommendations and appreciate your time and consideration to respond To my plight.
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I suggest your first step should be contacting your Area Agency on Aging and get started on a your father's Medicaid application so that you can access elder services for your father, particularly in home respite care hours and adult day care. With respite hours and day care, you may be able to begin working again, at least part time. If your disability precludes you from finding employment, I encourage you to use this time to engage in some volunteer or social organization that puts you back in touch with people. Since you have been caring for your father in his home for 8+ years, check out the Medicaid wavier that would allow you to inherit the house after his death. Start looking for Medicaid accepting MC and NH facilities that will accept your father when his ALZ advances beyond your ability to support in the home. When your father enters LTC paid for by Medicaid, the house doesn't have to be sold, but you will need to be able to pay the bills yourself as the LTC will take all your father's SS except a small monthly personal spending allowance.
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I haven't read through responses here but I urge you to open up and tell your therapist all of this. Don't hold back about your fear and anxiety that's what he or she is for and they should be able to help guide you to resources and the confidence to take back some of that control of our life. I so understand where you are actually and while I'm not in your exact shoes I sure here your conflict, if you don't trust your therapist enough to help you sort this out then find a new therapist who can help you. I wish I had clear advice about what to do exactly but I just don't feel I know you and your situation well enough, you have a lot going on here, a professional seems better qualified than even the best meaning of us here. That doesn't mean don't keep coming back here and sharing though, please do. I want to help I just don't know how here at the moment.
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repeated, don't know why sorry all
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Maybe you can apply for low income housing? I have a friend who is 64 on disability, and the county found her a place with subsidized rent. I think she pays $150 a month.
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Shane1124 Apr 2019
Agree with above. Call the Department of Aging in your area to assess the availability of benefits for *you*. You may be eligible for the HUD program described above. The state will give you or your landlord a voucher to pay subsidized housing rent. I hope you can find those resources. Good luck to you! I am surprised he has no will! Does your dad realize what a financial mess this leaves for you to cope with? Especially with your father’s home having a RM.
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Turn to the Lord to see you through tough times. I know that's easy to say, but having God with you somehow makes things more bearable. As someone who had a father with Parksinson''s and was made the family villain due to mental changes, and had to be his guardian when Mom dropped dead, I can understand where you are to a large extent. At 66, unfortunately in this culture, jobs are scarce, so I;'d try to put up with it unless it threatens your health. I would also tell all of this to my psychiatrist, as that is what they are for. See if you qualify for Legal Aide or other pro bono legal advice about the house, and realize, if his money is running out now, if your thought is to put him in a good home, Medicaid will have you spend him down to poverty and in many states, will put a lien against any real property in his name to recover part of the Medical Assistance once he passes. My heart goes out to you. I am sorry you have this burden. I can't imagine anyone responding to your story with criticism - on the
contrary, yo're doing more than most of us could. God bless you.
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