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I have been married for almost 19 years to my husband. My brother's family basically says that he isn't their uncle. Yet they call my brother uncle. The point that I am getting to is that, there is to be a family meeting with my mom's "family" where she is living now. Just to give heads up on how she is doing. My brother got the e-mail but I didn't and I am the daughter also. He is her POA but I am her healthcare rep. He was nice enough to send me the e-mail and ask if I wanted to go to the meeting and what day was good for me. He HAD to ask if I wanted to go??? What kind of question was that?? If his wife and granddaughter are going, and so is my husband. If they say anything about it, they are going to get an earful. I don't think that my brother will say anything though. Thoughts? My brother and I have never had a close relationship before. I am closer to my mom than he is and I think that he knows that. Mom is a very kind person but since she has been dx of mild unspecified dementia and in less than a years time, she has moved from a house to an apartment to a memory care unit. She will be 89 in January and they have no inkling about her healthcare like I do.

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Call and ask the person who wrote the e-mail who they expect or prefer to attend.
It sounds like people here have said, a working meeting, with only those responsible for her care attending, and any caregivers.

It is about your Mom and her care.

Not about who hurt whom in the past. Can you let that part go?

Edit: Well put Barb.

The OP Judy has been gracious in accepting our comments so far. I hope she knows that we are on her side.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
I do know that you are on my side. That is why I'm not taking offense to what is being said.
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Quote "One thing that does bother me is that he will be there for the meeting but isn't willing take off to take her to any of her doctor's appointments,except for when he is on school breaks. I do all of that. I have PTO which I am currently using. He is a middle school teacher."

Judy, why are you bothered that your husband will not take time off work to take your mother to doctor's appointments? Why did you insist that he take a day off to go to the care conference?

The Care Conference is for the family decision makers. There have been many posts on this forum regarding only blood relatives being at meetings to discuss care giving. The only exception being when the care giving is falling on an in-law or the parent lives with one of their children and spouse.

You appear to hold onto grudges. When you first mentioned that your nieces and nephew, do not call your DH Uncle, I thought that they were perhaps children. But in a later post you mentioned that they are adults with children of their own. If you were married to a different man when they were young, he would have been the man they called Uncle. The man you are currently married to is your husband, but I can see why they do not call him uncle.

Case in Point. My Uncle D was married to Auntie D, until I was 12, they divorced and he marries Auntie L. They were together for about 10 years. Since I became an adult he has had multiple long term relationships, I have not called any of those women Auntie, my children do not call them auntie either.

2nd Case, Auntie M, divorced Uncle B when I was 13. I have never called her new husband Uncle, just used his first name. Uncle B, my uncle by marriage and by the fact he is the father of my cousins will always be Uncle B to me.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
is it her husband or her brother that won’t take time off work to take her mom to the doctor though? I thought it was her brother not her husband?

I agree with this though. I don’t see why they would call her husband uncle. If they are adults with children, he’s likely never actually been an uncle to them. My uncle was married 3 times. Had 2 kids with wife number 1 and they divorced before I was born. Married wife #2 and they were still married when I was born so she is my aunt. They had 2 children as well and the divorced. He married wife number 3 when I was 22. She is not my aunt. None of us has ever called her “aunt Madeline”, because we were all adults when she married our uncle. She is and always will be “my uncles wife”. It would be different if she had been around when we were all kids and a relationship had been established the way it was with my aunt Kathy (uncles 2nd wife). But we don’t know her on that level, don’t get me wrong she’s very a nice lady and she loved my husband dearly & she’s still part of the family even though he’s been gone 10 years now but she’s not our aunt. Kathy will always be my aunt. It’s not a matter of how I was raised, it’s who I was raised with. And I was raised with Kathy in my life, not Madeline.
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I think Judy is saying that her BROTHER, not her husband cant take time off to take mom to doctor.

Classroom teachers can lose their jobs or their assignments over taking time off, FMLA or not. The school system I worked for did not allow FMLA to be used in increments of less than one day. Most of us cant afford to do that.

Judy, you said your brother was able to use his summer break to move mom? Can you be grateful that he had the flexibility and the wherewithal to do that?

Practising gratitude can be wonderful for your mental health.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
I found that out.  It's due to his contract.  Kind of stinks though.  I do practice gratitude.  You don't know his wife and how vindictive she can be.  Do I attack her right back?  As a Christian, it wouldn't be right.  But she considers herself a Christian also.  Sure, I hurt her husband.  I have never yelled at him for anything until this issue happened with my mom.  He knows nothing about the health field and he knows that I know more about it than I do.  I know that his wife has been saying things to him to get him to react. Plus he is very tired from all that he has been doing.  He could have asked me to help the second time but he didn't.  He knew that I had to work. 
I know that you are trying to be very helpful and I appreciate that.  There are many underlying circumstances that many people don't understand.   Most in-laws will always be involved for whatever reason. 

I am grateful that he has done that.  It  happened that way for a reason.  And not for me to be attacked either.  It will come back at her one way or another and I don't wish for anything bad to happen to her.
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Seems like a bunch of things bundled up here but maybe approaching them independent of one another will help.

First the scheduled meeting, given this is a new facility for your mom I'm going to guess they had your brother's email first in their system because the business office has needed to have more contact with him thus far for financial reasons so they just sent the email to the "active" address in their system. It's new to all of you so they are adjusting to the way your family works just as you are to the way they work. An easy fix given you are the MPOA and once things settle in (providing they do) they will likely contact you more often than your brother. It sounds like your brother however is doing his best to keep his siblings in the loop and you recognize that. So maybe it's just his poor presentation which often happens with some people, I know my brother tends to just forward stuff to me often without explanation, lol I over explain stuff and he just doesn't unless asked but he makes sure he passes it on and I have learned to interpret myself before asking questions. Anyway if your brother had said "I assume you will want to join us" or "You should be included in this" rather than "Do you want to be there" and asked about good times for you would that have changed the way you received his email? My guess is they all mean the same thing in his mind unless asked to think about it. You and he are the two people most important for this meeting as her POA and MPOA and then your other brother (is it just the three of you) as her three children. This being the first Family Meeting with her new facility team the people most involved in her care should be there if possible, after that you are going to be the most important participant as MPOA (unless this is shared) and your brothers when they can, providing you are as good (or better) about sharing information with your siblings as your brother is trying to be. Keep your siblings up to date on feedback from these meetings and any major medical stuff and it will go a long way toward encouraging them to do the same and maintaining a better working relationship with them which only helps your mom.

When the facility says Family Meeting they use the term loosely, they are looking for the decision makers and the family, blood or otherwise, most involved with the patient's care, the people who know her best. While these aren't always the same people, typically they are and the facility is going to want as few people as possible in these meetings to keep things less chaotic. It can take a meeting or two however for them to figure out who is necessary and who isn't and they may ask that so many people not be included next time if it obviously isn't working. You could call the person who sets up and leads these meetings and ask them who they want in the meeting or you could have a discussion with your brother about concerns that having too many people in this first meeting until you get a better feel for how these work and suggest it just be the three siblings (if 3rd can) for now. Unless your DH, SIL or niece have some specific expertise that might make them valuable to have there like medical knowledge, the ability to sift through info better and take notes or simply have spent more hands on time with mom in that facility.

Your mom's kids should share equally in all mom info and they then share with their families (spouse, children) and back up the line to simplify here. Your stuff with SIL needs to be separate from this as much as possible and you don't really need to deal with her, that's your brothers cross to bear and trust me he knows. He may not know the details etc but he knows how his wife is and he knows his sister, the care of Mom in her final years supersedes it all and the best thing you can do is rise above it, not saying forget it you just have more important things trying to control bro's branch isn't worth the energy. Might drive SIL nuts too, added bonus.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
Thanks! :)
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I'm retired, Judy. I have time to listen and to help unravel this.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
Not saying that she isn't nice. You meet her and she is a very sweet person. She thinks that her family can do no wrong. Of course this was many years ago. When they were living with my parents and me, she had the audacity to tell me that I was wasting my money buying pantyhose via mail. Wasn't her place to tell me. She and my brother were guests of my parents in their home. They allowed them to stay there with their children to help them get on their feet again.

Last year, the day after my mom's home visit, she attacked me via text,which I didn't get because I thought it was spam. I have a very lousy cell phone. Ended up using Facebook to talk and she sent me her text. It was a total attack on me. Siblings argue with each other. He was showing me things that I felt that he should have asked mom why she was writing those things down. He wouldn't stay for the home visit. I feel that was the start of my mom's issues. Another long story. Then sil even sent me an e-mail and it was a nasty e-mail also. This past July, after we got mom moved to memory care, I went to her apartment to pick up some things. My brother was there and we had a discussion. Ended up becoming an argument. Again siblings. I wanted to drop the issue but he continued. Then he talked about filing a restraining order against me. etc.... Then he left,drove away. When he got in the car, I yelled and him and told him 2 times to go to h e double toothpicks! He got me mad. The next day, she texted me and told me that I had a mental problem and to stay away from their grandchildren. I was talking to him about my mom via text and it was the only way that we could talk. I know that she was reading his texts from me. I told him that I bet that he was exhausted. He never once asked for my help. The second text, she told me 'of course Rick is exhausted. He did it all with hardly any help from you. And then you had another screaming fit at him. What is wrong with you?' Are you getting the picture yet? I never responded to those texts. He and I are still talking about my mom but via texts. I stayed out of my husband's family issues. And by the way, I did help with the first move. I was taking care of my mom when he was helping the movers in the house. Then I was able to get some people from her church to help get the house all clean. I don't think that I ever said that mom sold her house in 1 day and had 30 days to move out. My sil even said, they downsized from a 4 br to a 2 br. But they are 25 years younger. Plus my mom is a widow for 22 years. Do you want me to tell you what her daughters did to my mom 10 years ago? I could go on and on... But I'll stop. :)
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What kind of question?

On the face it, to an outsider, it was a courteous question. He did not dictate the date and time and make arrogant assumptions about your availability. He asked you if you wished to attend and when it would be convenient to you.

The fact that you are, clearly, affronted by this makes me wonder why your feelings towards your brother would be so defensive. Has your brother done anything in particular that would lead to negative assumptions about him? Do you have any reason to suppose that your husband will not be welcome at the family meeting?

Who was it who emailed your brother to propose this meeting but did not email you? - and is it possible that that person just didn't happen to have your email address?
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Judy79 Aug 2019
I never said that it was a mean question. He forwarded me the e-mail that was sent to him. He got the e-mail from the place that she is living. I am going to call the lady that sent him the e-mail and make sure that she has my e-mail also.

It's his wife and children that have done things to even hurt my mom. More so his wife and 2 daughters. He is a wimp when it comes to standing up to them. His 2 daughters went to my mom 10 years ago and attacked me. Will never know the reason for the attack on me. She didn't deserve that.

You have to know the family history. My "sil" is a fake when it comes to "caring" for people. She loves attention. She even posted on FB about "it's with regret that we must put my mil into a memory care unit". She doesn't even know the whole story.

I SO want to show him the texts and messages that she sent me and how she attacked me without his knowledge. He NEEDS to know how she is hurting his sister. I haven't done anything to hurt her ever! She is a very vindictive person.

My brother is a very professional person. He has been hurt in his life but won't get any help for it. I, myself, have been to counselors. At least I accept the help.

All I want to do is scream. Just feel that my mom would be better off in heaven with my dad. He died 23 years ago.
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Just a couple of points that seem relevant:

Often a facility will have ONE person at the top of their contact list, if you are healthcare proxy then perhaps you should be the primary contact since any issues that come up are more likely to involve care decisions rather than finance.

Care conferences occur routinely and are a way for the facility to sit down with all concerned parties to go over things, where I live they are mandated. I think that using the term "family meeting" is a misnomer and I rather doubt most care conferences have entire families showing up en mass, I wonder if your brother got the wrong impression? In any case these are working meetings and only those with legal authority (that would be you, as healthcare POA) have any say in her care plan, the rest are merely there as a courtesy.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
He knows that I am pretty much taking care of her healthcare while she is there. He doesn't really have time since he is a middle school teacher.  I have been taking care of her meds for her and making sure that she has the things that she needs for her toiletries.  I am going to start washing her clothes also.  They will probably start smelling better too. :)  Thanks for what you have said.  He doesn't ever mean anything wrong by what he says.  I will try and remember to let people here know how things go.
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It is very sad that you and your brother are not getting along. That will make all of this ever so much more difficult FOR YOUR MOM and for those caring for her, and worst of all, for both of you as well. I do not know why you were not notified. That is not a question for your BROTHER but for those who know you have POA for health care and didn't include you.
Why don't you put all you can into healing your relationship. Your Mom is 89. If you don't care to see one another ever again after she dies, that's great. For now why don't you try with all your good heart and all your good soul to support one another, be there for one another, help one another and your Mom.
That would be what I would do. That's what I would advise. But you are your own woman and I trust you to make your own decisions.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
Thanks!  He is working with me the best that he can.  He did pretty much all of the moving.  This was done, the second time, while he was on summer break.  He never asked me as he was pretty much doing to move during the week.

If his wife isn't going to be there, then my husband won't be there. :)
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Judy79, please remember the meeting is about your Mom, not your relationship with the rest of the family.
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My mom's assisted living home contacts me, even though my brother is POA. They do that because I am closer and there almost every day for visits, outings, and rides to appointments. I forward emails to my brother when there is a decision to make between the two of us about her care. There is no sister-in-law, so it is easier than what is going on with your family. From what you say, I think just about anything she does from years ago to now is going to irritate you. If you really can't stand her company perhaps you could ask for a second meeting alone with the memory care staff. To care for your mom you must also care for yourself, so stay present with what your mom needs and try (hard to do) to ignore sister-in-law.
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Judy79 Aug 2019
Thanks!
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