Follow
Share

The Care Center my dad lives in recently opened for visitors on March 24th.
My dad did not have visitors for over a year as they closed the doors March 12th in Montana. My dad is confused and I don't know how he survived for over a year without family! I Skype with him a few times. He lost weight and his quality of life is nonexistent.
My brother has said 3 times(!) He would show up for a visit and never does! My dad is a widow and I am his only visitor at this point. My husband visits a little also.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I've already commented but wanted to add something.  Obviously this is a sore subject with me.  If everyone decided they didn't want to deal with the unpleasantries of dementia, aging, dying and all that entails, no one would ever take care of anyone.  Does my brother think that I want to have to take off from my job week after week to run mom back and forth to doctors appointments or that after I do all of my familys laundry, I have to search moms apartment for her dirty things that she has hidden and then haul them to my house to launder, take them back and put them away.  After I have worked all day, call her to check on her only to feel guilty that I don't have the time or energy to visit .  To pay her bills every month and fret over what we are going to do when she runs out of money..  And the mental part of dealing with a parent or spouse who is not who they once were and are dying before your very eyes...No one wants to do any of these things.  They are stressful and time consuming and depressing, but someone has to do them.  You've heard the expression many hands make light work.  Well, there aren't many hands when the other sibling decides they don't want to deal with any of this.  All of us don't have the luxury of politely declining or just not showing up.  You just have to come to terms with the fact that you are there for your father and that has to be enough...for both of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It may hurt but I think that it would be better all around to look at what your dad has rather than what he doesn’t.

He has your love and I bet that he doesn’t take it for granted. I am sure that he cherishes your affection.

Please stop taking on your brother’s issues. How is that helping anyone? It is counterproductive. It is robbing you of feeling special when you are with your precious dad. Start focusing on the two of you instead of your brother.

Your brother is NOT going to change. You can’t wish for it to happen. You can’t shame him into it. You can’t force him, nor can you cry, beg or plead for him to change.

Try with all your might to let it go.

Live your life. He isn’t stopping you from doing exactly as you wish.

Right or wrong? Good or bad? Wise or foolish? He’s made his choice, which doesn’t include your father. Sad? You bet!

You can choose to be at peace by accepting what you can’t change or you can make yourself miserable by not accepting it. What do you think is best for you and your dad?

Live your life. Forget about how your brother lives his. He may have issues that you aren’t even aware of.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Who is the eldest child?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
clavecin Apr 2021
I had the same situation with our youngest brother....to the point that mom disinherited him. She passed and now he is suing estate because he sees money!
My theory is that the baby of the family is rarely asked by parents to watch "your sibblings while mom or dad go run an errand." Thus they never develop that instinct to care for someone else outside of their immediate nuclear family, wife and own children. Personal character also contributes to lack of empathy. You cant change him now.
(0)
Report
I feel for you.  My brother leaves me to deal with everything related to mom and only visits her when I am hosting something and he has nothing better to do.  He is self absorbed and weak, so I expect it from him.   If there is one thing I have learned over the last ten years in dealing with moms dementia, I can't control anyone's behavior but my own.  Try to get there mentally...it's a lot more peaceful.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have another perspective. I had a once-dear friend - I considered her the sister I never had at one point - who had progressive MS and died far too young, after countless years of degeneration, physically and mentally. She started manifesting severe personality changes and treated me progressively horribly, until I finally did not pursue the friendship anymore. She was finally in a nursing home, confused and ill, and I kept telling myself to visit her, no matter what she'd done to me, and I did pray for her regularly, but I didn't go. Part of the time, I had no transportation, but the other part of the time, I knew part of her large family and friends did go, and I didn't know what I'd say to her in any event. In addition, I was being ridden like a pony by my 3 abusive bosses (1 right after another, as the organization itself is dysfunctional and I couldn't afford to quit pre-Obama care), and I honestly didn't think it wise or healthy for me to put myself in what I knew would be an extremely stressful situation that I couldn't materially improve. I was told she mostly lay there and didn't talk, because she lost her voice at the end. I still feel guilty and selfish about this - I went to her memorial, but of course, she was gone by then, so how did that help her? As a Christian, I have to forgive myself, but I find I still need occasionally to re-forgive my neglect of someone who was once a close friend. Your brother may have conflicted feelings as I did.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Ask him why he has not gone yet. Let him know after a year of no family, dad would appreciate the visit. If he hems/haws his way around an answer, offer up some info - I understand it is hard to see dad get older/in his condition/in a facility, however this situation is the life that dad has left. I would like it if you went to see him. After that, if he doesn't show - he just doesn't show. You can't make him.

You are hurt because you see it as someone not feeling the same about dad as you do. Your dad hurts, so you hurt. You are just being a compassionate human being. As long as you continue to go, that is the best you can do. You can hope for more, but as long as you know you have given dad what you think he needs, that's all you can do. No one can ask more of you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would ask him why. Is it because of Covid? Ie, does the facility require immunization and he hasn't had the vaccine or doesn't want the vaccine. Is he uncomfortable seeing your father in his state? Or is it just the facility that puts him on edge? There can be many reasons, people don't visit nursing homes. As long as it's not the vaccination thing, I would suggest going with him on the first visit. Make sure that there is some structure for your brother to follow. I discovered, that my mom enjoyed playing dominoes; the set was color-coded so counting wasn't necessary and she was able to play. Maybe they could play dominoes. If that isn't possible, have a couple DVDs of favorite shows handy or a book or two that could be read aloud. I always kept book of jokes handy. Dad loved history; mom loved me to read all about the actors of the Golden Age of Hollywood. If not just suggest bringing a small treat; fudge is easy to eat. I used to bring soup to mom which she enjoyed or a frappe. When weather allows, sitting outdoors can be a change of pace; wheeling dad around outside can be enjoyable. You may accompany your brother a couple times. After that, it's up to him. I have a sister who never visited. She just didn't care and I couldn't change her attitude about it. Sadly, her narcissistic approach to life was immovable. Hopefully, your brother will come around.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When my father went on hospice, my brother moved back to be with him and our mom more. He rarely showed up. Even when dad died, he showed up at the nursing home and only stayed a short time. He wanted to get with me but never did.

My brother is emotionally disturbed and suffers from severe/terminal depression and takes no responsibility for his actions. He does or tries to do "good works" for others. So who knows why he can't follow up on his promises, but it is his problem and not mine.

Shortly after dad died he moved away suddenly. He sporadically keeps in contact with mom.

These are your brother's actions and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't tell your dad that brother is planning to visit then he won't be disappointed. If he does show up, what a happy surprise. It hurts because he's family and you feel it hurts your father. You can do only what you can do. Keep the lines of communication with your brother open. Forgive him his failings and continue to forgive it may take the sting out of your hurt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow! 38 answers so far, and most of them examples of similar behavior. You are obviously not alone!

Of the 7 of us, my 3 sisters and I visited Ma regularly and coordinated our visits so she wouldn't go a day without a visit. The oldest son lived the farthest away and also was dealing with treatments for throat cancer. He came once in a while, with his wife. The next son had bi-polar disorder and often had conflicts with the staff because he didn't think they were treating Ma right. Us girls kept smoothing things over for him because we knew his heart was in the right place and he was very devoted to Mother. The youngest son? I believe he and his wife only came when us girls arranged a celebration for Ma, such as for her birthday. Why? His "reason" was always his young family. His daughter had an important softball game. He promised to take the twins swimming. It was his turn for carpool duty for the youngest's after-school activities. But surely in the 5 or 6 year period we are talking about there were SOME times he could have visited. And he didn't. I still love him but sometimes I don't like him very much.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Imho, do not attempt to control the actions of your brother as to why he doesn't visit your dad. Concentrate on your STELLAR self and what a wonderful job that you are doing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
loveadey Apr 2021
I do the same. It’s just creating a stressful situation except getting upset what could other siblings are willing to do.
(0)
Report
Being let down and then watching someone you love be let down is just that ...heart breaking - for me I don’t know if I will ever be able to explain in words what it is like seeing a parent realize one of their kids just isn’t going to come. It also hurts because of who I am inside and where I hold my values. I do think people handle things differently and if you haven’t tried talking to him about going with him and getting him comfortable etc if you think it could be the reason its worth asking and talking to him about. But I have also learned (and it took me a year and a half) to stop watching the door - my sister will never be to me or mom what we were to her. It hurts like heck and I’m not sure I will ever be who I was before knowing this - doesn’t mean i am a worse version of myself but my sister not making time for mom for sure changed me as I thought of my family in a different way.
I do hope maybe for you he is just nervous or scared and you can help him with that - wishing you and your dad to be surround by love - and the gift of time - we all deserve that from each other
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Concerned one,
Everyone in your family system is suffering. Your father, you and your brother. Our culture doesn’t teach people how to deal with suffering, partially due to the decreasing level of spirituality in our nation. Suffering is a part of life, spirituality affirms this and gives us the ability to hold space for another who suffers while we learn to endure, release and transcend suffering ourselves.
Males, generally speaking do not know how to handle deep feelings of pain as it breaks the cultural commandment: “Don’t be weak.” So they avoid it and the anxiety that comes with it. For most males, breaking down and crying feels like dying and they won’t face it.

The other item is that we don’t know what to say or how to say it which creates more anxiety. Males have to “do” something and don’t know how to simply “be” with someone.

See if you can get your brother to do a phone call. Maybe you can arrange a time to be with your father to get your brother to call. Or perhaps he could send a card? Drop one by his house, have him write a note in it and deliver it for him.

Don’t take your brother’s resistance personally. It’s not about you or your father (unless there was a major conflict in the past). It’s your brother’s problem.

My thoughts and Prayers are with you.
From the perspective of a pastor and a clinical therapist.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Dosmo13 Apr 2021
Glad you expressed some compassion for brother. It's not just males who have trouble visiting elders.
I visited my father less then I should have when he was in a nursing home, unable to do much for himself. He was angry...a proud ex-military officer being helped in the bathroom by women, being told when and what to eat, unable to walk, hear or see well enough to even read. It would have been better (maybe) if he was disoriented or confused, but he know where he was and why.
He complained to me and and felt that, as an RN, I should be able to make things better. Even if I was not a health care worker, I should help him as his daughter. I wanted to, but I could NOT think of a way to make things better. My presence didn't seem to help. I apologized to his nurses for his anger, but felt terrible for him. I ended up often staying away. A niece was with him when he died. I would have been, but did not know his condition and have always felt guilty for letting him down.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
It is heartbreaking. I have 2 brothers that have not visited my mom for many years. One lives 30 minutes away and hasn't visited since around 2008 and the other brother who lives several hour away hasn't seen her since 2004, he never has the money to make the trip! I have to let it go even though it bothers me and breaks my heart for my mom. Some things we will never know the answers to, we just have to do the best we can for them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Send your brother a copy of Owen Darnell’s “Do Not Ask Me to Remember” poem. It pretty much says it all. It’s about just being there- caring! Our LO don’t come with directions or instructions for elderly care or how to handle the massive changes dementia and Alzheimer’s bring. He needs to show some grace and love- he can muster both if he decides to! Good luck and God bless you. None of this is easy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

"Why does my brother not come see my dad?"

That really is a question for your brother. Although many of us have similar experiences, the reasoning behind this is different for each person. If possible, call or visit with him and ask nicely if he is afraid or upset by seeing your once healthy dad like this. Ask if he would try a short visit with you there. If he really can't muster up enough to make the visit, encourage him to make contact in other ways. If dad can take phone calls or video chats, arrange that.

For us, it was my mother. The funniest part is neither brother had a clue about dementia or the cost of care. After the first place we checked out, BOTH immediately said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!" Riiiight. OB isn't local, YB is. OB came up for checking out places and stayed with mom while he was here for a few days. When it came time to move her, I stayed out of it, requesting THEY do the move (I had done all the arranging and wanted no part in the move, expecting to get all the blame anyway.) She managed to "bruise" her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. OB had to deal with that when he came up and stayed the few days before. The injury delayed the move and YB used it to draft a fib letter from 'Elder Services' instructing her to go where we choose or they will place her. She had been refusing to move anywhere. This was just enough to get it done! So, OB came up a few times to assist with the condo and during his last visit, we went together the evening he arrived. All was good (I busied myself to give them time together.) If you could have seen her reaction when she saw him!!! So, one morning I suggested he pick up DD coffee/donuts and visit while I get ready, since he wasn't local this might be his last chance. Maybe 15-20m at best. No comment from him. When we had some down time later, I suggested he visit again. He refused, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who would have her 24/7, with no help from us??? HAH! It was pretty clear he just couldn't handle it and refused to even try. So she repeats herself. So she might ramble. Just BE there!
YB initially would sometimes join us for the special occasions they had for holidays, mom's birthday, BBQ for all, etc., but it was like pulling elephant teeth just to get a response from him. I finally stopped asking. I had enough to do without chasing after a grown man (boy) who is 10 years younger than I!

"It is incredibly heartbreaking for my dad!"

I can imagine it is. Countless times she would ask me if I'd seen or talked to one or the other brother. I could only say not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. Out of sight, out of mind... Even though she was living life about 40 years ago, we were all adults by then, so she remembered me, knew who I was and so long as the conversation could be pushed along, to get out of the repetitive ruts, it was nice to visit. Those two have to live with not being there for her. Will they regret? Who knows. I really don't care. For various reasons, including more or less abandoning their mother, once all the paperwork is done, I am finished with them. The verbal and physical abuse was bad enough, along with ZERO emotional support, but to just forget your mother is inexcusable. I don't need them in my life.

"Why does it hurt me so bad?"

Probably because you can see how much it hurts your dad. If you can get some kind of answer from your brother, it might help you let this go. No guilt laid on him when you ask, just let him know you want to understand and encourage him to try a visit with you there or make contact without visits. If he isn't willing, then try to let it go. With dad, you can try making excuses for your brother (work, too far, etc.) Pass it off saying you'll ask him later or just change the subject, if possible.

The best you can do for now is just continue to be there for dad! Even if/when he forgets who you are, a kind person coming to visit is good.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Some people are just not as tolerant, patient, or strong enough to handle the responsibility. I had a device placed in my spouse's room so family and friends can communicate with her. My son has come to see her, and has Facetime'd with her, but otherwise. Actual visitations have been awkward since COVID-19 landed last March. I could not physically be in the same room with her for over a year. The device that I got for her is like a digital picture frame and works great. Part of the problem is that she has a day full of activities which are posted on a printed schedule, and she has routine lunch times. Family that have tried to reach out have called at odd times, more convenient for themselves than my wife.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It's a question of priorities. My sister who lived out of town - and was employed full time - managed to visit more than the two unemployed (by choice) brothers who lived 20 minutes away. They had more excuses but it really came down to how they wished to spend their time.

Here are some ideas as the pandemic winds down: If you belong to a church, perhaps you could let your minister know your father would appreciate visitors. If your brother is married and has children, you could let his wife and kids know how much grandpa would appreciate a visit. Perhaps you could set up something fun that everyone can do like Board Game Night unless you think that might be overwhelming to your father. With warmer weather, you can take your father out - maybe meet up with your brother for a walk or eat in a restaurant if they are open and you believe the risk to be low. Does your father have friends that live reasonably close? Perhaps you can facilitate a meet up? Offer to drive or meet at a mid-point. Ask if they'd like to zoom? Invite them to lunch?

I contracted with an organization called Seniors Helping Seniors to find men to spend time with my father as he had females helping him all the time and he missed his male friends who had passed away. The guys that came were nice and friendly enough but closer to my age and not creative in finding things they could do together. Same problem as with my brothers.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I had a good friend who suffered from brain cancer. I visited him weekly the last year of his life while other close friends avoided him. They would tell me what a great friend I was and how they "couldn’t face seeing him like that." Yes, it was difficult seeing his decline but I kept reminding myself of the Golden Rule my mother taught us - "do unto others how you would have them do unto you."

That being said during the last few years of my parents lives one brother, the golden favored child, rarely visited. I and my other brother visited regularly, helped with chores, dr visits, etc. The first thing they would ask was "have you heard from X?" At first I would offer excuses for him but after a while I would just say "don’t know, why don’t you call him and ask him why he doesn’t visit?"

In truth, I was not my brother's keeper. My only consolation was that his actions would come back to haunt him when he was an old man and this is the example he was showing his children and grandchildren. Sadly he died at age 62, but his daughter, who lived 2 miles from Mom's AL, never visited her grandmother.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Same here. It’s been 10 yrs & he’s visited maybe once each year. He used his career as an excuse but when he retired he moved as far away as could to the coast. Now he says his next move is to the other coast. He doesn’t even ask about her anymore. He rationalizes how good it is for me to be her sole caregiver. But I lost my own career, my marriage, all my work friends & sacrificed my life. The only good thing I have in my isolation is that I live on a farm & I have a lot of hobbies & things that need to be done while she naps. People that tell you not to be concerned that you’re doing everything & your sibling has gone awol haven’t been there. I only have 1 sibling & he over rationalizes things he makes up in his head to prevent guilt & a feeling of any responsibility. I think he’s lacking integrity & is completely selfish without empathy. We don’t need the likes of him which is a good thing since he’s not there for us anyway.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My brother would visit my dad and most of the time it would end with my brother screaming at our dad. Dad was heartbroken after his visits. I wished he would have stayed away.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

How far away is he? What kind of a schedule must he adhere to? What was the prior relationship? Is he terribly upset by seeing the illness? Does he just simply not care? These are some possible reasons. It is sad but face it, you can't force this on him if he just does not do it. Just try to be kind and loving even if your brother is not. I know personally, I freak out when I have to enter a nursing home - my heart goes out to those poor people but afterwards I have nightmares and have a terrible time emotionally dealing with what I have seen.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Invisible Apr 2021
The more time I have spent with my father in the care facility, the less I am bothered by it. Instead, I tried to get to know the staff, other residents and their families to encourage them to interact with my father so he wouldn't feel like a prisoner.
(1)
Report
Not an excuse but maybe an explanation
It is very hard for all of us to see any loved one decline.
And the thought of visiting..
What do I say
What do we talk about
How am I going to sit and do noting for an hour or more
It is a Saturday, I have worked all week and I have stuff that needs to get done around the house
It is Saturday and I have worked all week and I want some time for myself to unwind
I hate the smell of that place, it smells like, urine, poop, old people....
That is not the way I want to remember dad
He will not know if I visited, and/or he won't remember I was there

Don't concern yourself with your brother not visiting,. That choice is on him not you.
If dad asks say.."I don't know when he is going to visit."
When dad dies your brother will miss him as much as you do, he will feel sad like you will. Will he be sorry that he did not visit more, possibly. But it is not your responsibility to make sure he visits. your brother is an adult his actions and the consequences are his.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
gdaughter Apr 2021
Nailed it again Gram. How can one person (like you) be so darn smart? And this explanation falls no doubt on the siblings that have moved away except they have the convenient excuse of distance, and cost/now covid risks of traveling. My sibling took off ahead of the aging crisis mode to avoid it all and leave it in my lap with a comment about how I was entitled to my life as well (obviously her own selfish perspective and not caring to do a thing for her parents) and if mom and dad couldn't manage put them in a home or someplace. In fact you may have read prior here in my comments that this same sibling (my only) claimed I brought my own serious illness (aortic dissection from which most die) on myself and made my own decisions in re to my life (continuing to live with our parents while I work part time as a social worker no less). Yes I skipped marrying a loser and watching my savings blow away through a messy divorce as she did. Yes I do feel an obligation toward these demanding and exhausting people that trigger the high blood pressure I didn't know I had which contributed to my illness no doubt. She feels zero responsibility for anyone. Was out of work and could have been here, but I understood her need to be home to tend to two elder kitties whom she had no one to trust to look after them. Rarely responds to my emails which at times I let her know exactly what is going on here. I suspect an email from me is automatically deleted. It all makes me so sad because while my 98 year old mother is the one diagnosed with dementia, my father who will be 104 in less than a month is becoming perhaps because of my own recuperation, seemingly more stupid and demanding. I am haunted by a comment the neurologist made when assessing mom...that sometimes older people are sharp...as a tack:-) I am nearing retirement but currently working remotely which is both a blessing and a curse. Yesterday was an absolute nightmare and I am still exhausted from the episode which started with my going downstairs for something to eat and witnessing a trail of poop smears from the door of our kitchen to the opposite side (about 15-20 feet--it's oblong). And when I walked in there was literally a pile of soft poop on a rug by the kitchen sink. She had walked in it and then went on a tour of the family room leaving a trail. My father had obviously seen it and in his inept cleaning style had made a huge spot on the small powder room (flat) carpet. And he had left. He can't comprehend that she cannot be left alone. I took my pup out and while my mother is prone to constantly UNlocking the damn door, while we were outside she LOCKED us out. She was standing within feet of the door when I noticed and pounded and screamed and cursed to open the door/let us in, and proceeded to walk away. The saving grace was that my ignorant father left the gate unpadlocked and I had my set of housekeys with me as now I take no chances and lock our bedroom door when we leave...so we walked around to the front and got back in. I spent hours using disinfecting wipes cleaning the kitchen floor (might get to steam mop it later). She managed to lock me out AGAIN when I was outside scrubbing the ruined rug. And although he claimed to have tried to find what leaked in the cupboard, it was me at 12:30 AM who was looking for the source which was oddly a marinara sauce jar with a hole in the side. On the top shelf. And then he wants to know this AM how " I feel". Oh, and when he'd left the house, he'd gone to buy more rug cleaner, which is also ineffective. I sprayed with a particular pet product good for all the nasties, but never got back to it at the appointed time. The suggestion of nursing home etc will only generate more stress and result in my parents doing worse...running out of space to explain...but it's not an answer on many levels including financial and will only result in MORE stress for me. Per MD best way to help me is keep BP low. LOL.
(1)
Report
I agree with TheBuringBush. Just call your brother and ask him why he says he’ll visit and then doesn’t show up. You have the right to ask him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My sister and her husband lived 1.5 mi. from my Mom and they would not go to see her. My sister would show up every few months. Her children, my nephews, would go by there and "borrow thousands of dollars" from my parents. They would also steal my dad's morphine when he was alive as well as pilfer from my Mom's wallet. My sister and her husband showed up at the hospital when I thought Mom was dying in Nov. and that was the first time I had seen my brother in law in 6 years. Then he had the audacity to criticize his 97 year old mother in law of "not being nice to them". I was there myself a lot of the time and she was very depressed and anxious. Then after I transferred Mom out to SNF they wanted me to post kudos that they visited while she was hospitalized. I blew up. I asked them where they had been last 10 years while I was trying to help our parents (and I live an hour away). Meanwhile their little spawns are now running drug rehab houses in a small town (go figure one is a felon from drug arrests and embezzling). One is "Christian" but never shows up to help Mom unless he needs money (borrowing while he was driving a mercedes and lexus and bought a new house). This is my only family. I have to let it go as the anger can be consuming. I have sent nice letters begging any of them to visit Mom in AL where she is having trouble adjusting. Mom finally did get one email from my sister but the rest of the crew will not come around unless they need money. I am Christian, and one nephew is Christian. His behavior towards his grandmother is astoundingly bad. I have to let it go. My Mom has said just to ignore them. She is very hurt. I am hurt but as one friend said to me, what do you expect from them. That is pretty typical behavior for years. Somehow I just thought they would support Mom emotionally after Dad died. I was wrong.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My youngest sister is the same way with regard to visiting mom, in memory care. She lives and works about 5 minutes away, the closest of any family, but she rarely visits. She was going to join me on the first day that memory care reopened to visitors, but cancelled at the last minute. Since then, I've visited multiple times a week, and my other brothers/sister have visited, my daughter has visited twice. But the youngest daughter? No chance. And she and brother will inherit everything mom owns when she passes, which is worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. The rest of the family will get nothing. I don't understand her lack of caring and generosity towards her mother.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I just went through that. He probably doesn't come because her cannot handle seeing his father like that.
I had such a hard time wondering about that as my brother was going to give me respite but only did once.
Now that my father has passed away, and he did help towards the end, we are closer than ever.
So there is hope but just do what we do for our parents in need and things will work out. Do not worry about this as caregivers we have too much to worry about and you probably can't fix this now. Just focus and take a breath, got you and Dad.
"And we breathe"
Trust in God.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It is bewildering why some do or not do things as we think they should. That is the answer, your brother and you are different people. My advice is stop wondering and worrying about others actions. We can only control our choices. Yes, everyone deals with life experiences differently. Some really cannot deal with parents aging. Maybe it is too difficult for your brother. No, to you it makes no sense. I completely emphasize because I am experiencing same situation. I have accepted it, no, I do not understand it, but acceptance will give you peace. What I do, is keep my sister updated on our mom’s health and put the matter in her hands. If she takes action or not, it is her choice. Now I know it is difficult and frustrating but you deserve peace with this.
I also highly recommend giving it to God. Allow Him to carry your burden. He loves you, your brother and your dad. He knows the entire situation and trusting and relying on God, will give you His peace.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You can't change others. You can't force others to act as you want them to. Continue to visit with your Dad. Your brother's choices and reasoning isn't known to any of us. It will be for him to deal with when your Dad is gone. Just continue to do the best you can for your father. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If your brother is uncomfortable seeing your dad in that setting, perhaps you can arrange a video chat with him and dad while you are visiting. It doesn’t have to be a long one and it will give your brother a chance to focus only on seeing dad and not his surroundings. Also, perhaps it will bring joy for your dad to see his son on camera. Some family members cannot accept their love one’s decline. Video allows them just a small glimpse to visit with them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Only you brother can answer that.

Sone people just don't like being in places like old folks homes and Hospitals as it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Maybe he just doesn't like seeing Dad like this.

Maybe he doesn't know what to talk about.

You should tell him that it hurts yours and Dad's feelings that he doesn't go and to please visit Dad once a week as he doesn't have anything else to look forward too.

Ask your brother if he would like to visit while you're there too.

Can you pick Dad up from the place or wheelchair him outside for a picnic?

Prayers
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter