The Care Center my dad lives in recently opened for visitors on March 24th.
My dad did not have visitors for over a year as they closed the doors March 12th in Montana. My dad is confused and I don't know how he survived for over a year without family! I Skype with him a few times. He lost weight and his quality of life is nonexistent.
My brother has said 3 times(!) He would show up for a visit and never does! My dad is a widow and I am his only visitor at this point. My husband visits a little also.
I experienced a similar thing with my own brother and my widowed father, so you are not alone.
If your father is still cognizant and asks why your brother does not visit - be honest. Tell him that it is "too painful" for your brother to see him in his current state of health - so he avoids coming.
Do you update him? If so, consider stopping temporarily and see if that prompts him to act to find out on his own. Sometimes we provide people with enough information for them to feel involved, so that even though they don't participate much, they feel like they are do.
If your dad doesn't remember like my MIL doesn't, they guys may feel it is not worth the effort. They may also feel helpless to change his situation. Seeing dad this way may also remind them that this may be their future. Of course, the only way you'll know is to ask the guys and hope they will give you an honest answer.
If visits are tough for them, encourage them to reach out in other ways. My MIL appreciates that we send her fruit arrangements for the holidays that she and her caregiver can enjoy together. I send her long, chatty letters with pictures of ourselves, our children, and outings. I am fairly sure your men might be up for these kinds of activities. May one can trim his hair every couple of weeks and give a barbershop quality shave with hot towel treatment and neck rub. Maybe, they would be up for bringing dad a treat to enjoy with coffee and read the news to him.
You don't mention if your brother is local or if even is interested in updates about your Dad. If he is local, you could offer to go see Dad together for a brief visit and then you two could do something fun afterward (or before and after). If that goes well, you could make it a joint visit from time to time coupled with some fun together to make it more tolerable to him and help him get more acclimated.
If he is not local, you could ask him to come and visit you for a week or a few days. Once there, you could suggest one or two brief visits to Dad in between all of your fun together. He may agree with your belief in his ability to handle the visit, and the promise to keep the visit very short (like 30 minutes). Best wishes.
Me: even though I am caring for my parents, don't feel close to my parents, my history with them is mine and for me I did not and do not find it one that has proven to be a warm, fuzzy relationship. On the other hand my siblings might feel differently, towards them, I don't know. There are many private moments we experience with our parents that form our history with them. Personally mine was not one I cherish :) I still love them, but, I think that if they were elsewhere, I would avoid seeing them also.
Its hard to watch a parent decline. I watched it every day.
“Promises made” become either “promises kept” or “promises broken”. It took me over a year, and several sessions with a good counselor, to understand that one of two POAs selected with trust and confidence by my LO would be 1,000 miles away for the hard stuff and the long haul.
I’m not sure it’s actually possible for any of us who have been locked away from LOs in residential care to assess how well or how poorly the folks in this situation fared, but whatever their situations were, we who love them MUST pick up the pieces wherever they’ve fallen, AND MOVE ON.
Don’t overestimate how much your father’s welfare depends on your absent brother, and for sure, don’t UNDERESTIMATE how much your contacts mean to him!
Your energy and love and strength are what your dad needs, whenever you can get to him. Don’t waste them on your brother’s conduct. This is what it is.
For your welfare AND YOUR DAD’S, LET IT GO.
No one knows why my cousin didn’t go visit him.
I truly feel that some people can’t handle it emotionally. They want to remember them as they were when they were well.
Three dates he's let go by in less than two weeks. Depending on how firm the arrangement was, how far he has to come and what else he has to organise, that doesn't sound like he's determined never to let your father see him again.
Pick up the phone and call him. There's probably a good reason, and you can encourage him in a positive, cheerful way to drop in as soon as he can.
I can't explain why he acts like that because he does care about her, but he doesn't handle old people and their infirmities well, I guess. I don't worry about it anymore. I moved Mom closer to me (I live an hour from her last place), and he's been to see her a total of four times in two years.
I can't control his behavior, and I'm not going to stress myself out over it. As with many things I can't control, I just say "it is what it is" and move on.
Don't tell your dad your brother is coming to visit, so he won't be disappointed. If Bro shows up, it'll be a nice surprise.