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I was sole caregiver for over ten years for both elderly parents and am now sole caregiver for my surviving parent, my 93-year-old mother, who is now frail and I dare not leave her alone. Over the years my own life has shrunk as caregiving became more consuming, but I do have two very good friends and confidantes who know I have been burnt out for a while. I support them in their own travails too as any real friends do. One of the friends has been so generous and supportive and anticipated all kinds of needs, but the other one hasn't even offered to come sit for an hour so I could do something urgent. I did ask her once to do so and she agreed, but then my appointment fell through. I just don't understand it and it hurts my feelings. My mother doesn't need any scary tending to, and my friend's own family obligations are few--her children are grown and her husband is still working in an actual office, so he isn't home during the day. Her own aging parents live out of town and stubbornly refuse to move, so she hasn't had to care for them yet. What could be going on?

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If you can't depend in yourself, you're at risk. Don't blame it on your friends. You can always change your environment to meet your needs. No one is going to do it for you.
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I don't know, myself, I would never expect a friend to give me respite in caregiving.Not everyone is comfort being with aging elders. If they don't offer I would assume it isn't something they are comfortable doing.
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I would never expect a friend to sit with an elderly relative. Arrange your own relief. Don't expect a friend to pick up the slack.
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Get your mother some hired homecare companionship to come and sit with her.
I would not the longest day of my life ever push my mother off on anyone I care about. You shouldn't either.
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I'm agreeing with all of the comments. Don't expect your friends to relieve you. Can you get hired caregiving help? Can she live in a nursing home?
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You're asking too much from someone who probably loves you dearly, but doesn't wish to be involved in your mother's life.

I'd NEVER ask a friend to pick up the slack. That's why there are CG agencies.

Keep your friends in a different category than CG's.
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notgoodenough Jun 2022
After taking care of my mom, I don't know that I love any of my friends enough to take on another significant caregiving role for someone to whom I am not related.
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Your first friend - the one who you say anticipates your needs and acts on them - is a rare gem of a person. You are extremely lucky to have someone like that in your life; most caregivers don't have that sort of support outside of family members - and many don't even get THAT.

That said, your second friend - who you state you have asked once for help and she agreed - is also a good friend; you asked for help, and she agreed! Not her fault your plans fell through. Expecting friend number 2 to behave the same way as friend number 1 in unreasonable, and frankly (at the risk of sounding harsh) somewhat selfish of you. Many caregivers don't have even 1 person in their life willing to take on helping a friend in their caregiving, and you seemingly have 2, albeit you need to specifically ask one for help.

I do agree with the other posters here who have told you that you'd be better off looking to hire outside CG's to give you a set amount of respite. It would be better for you AND your friends. Then you can use the respite time partly to spend "friendly" time with your friends, rather than "caregiving" time with your friends. If you continue to only use your two friends, you might find those friendships strained - if not over - by the end.
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What's going on is that she's never had to care for an older person yet and is as terrified by the imagined responsibility as most men are the first time they're handed a newborn baby. She's not going to volunteer for something she can't be confident about managing - who would?

Besides, when you asked her she agreed. It wasn't her doing that it didn't happen, was it?

Next time you need an hour or two, ask her again.
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There are some types of friendships that lend themselves to acts of service and others that don't. I have friends with children that I would drop everything to take care of them. And I also have friends who it would have to be a dire emergency for me to step in to offer help. It doesn't mean that I'm not their friend. It just means that I know my own limitations.
By your own admission, your friend knows that you are burned out on caregiving. Perhaps she is scared of the responsibility.

That being said, not to put too fine of a point on it, but you do a disservice to your friend by making it seem as if she should have the bandwidth to help you because she doesn't seem have as much going on in her own life and therefore she should just be able to spare the time. It's the same logic that many people apply to stay at home moms when they expect them to do extra things at school because they "don't work" or those of us who work from home because we don't have to travel to an office we must have so much free time, or a retired grandparent should babysit their grandchild because "they don't have anything else to do with their time". You can't look at someone's life from the outside and assume that you know what they fill their time with just because they don't fill their time the same way you do. There may be things going on in her life that you aren't aware of that may be preventing her from offering.

Be fair to your friends and yourself. Instead of expecting your friends to cover for you, find a companion for your mother and go spend time with your friends!!
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Me, I don't volunteer anymore. Seems when you volunteer it then is expected. If you ask me, yes I would probably do it for you. You were only asking so u could go to an appt. Some people just don't think others are givers. I have one friend that I ask and she smiles and says sure. My other one, I really don't think she would help.

Your life will a lot happier if you have no expectation of others. We also measure others by what we would do. But not everyone believes or looks at things like we do. Be happy you have someone u can rely on.
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I find it odd that you would expect your friend to come sit with your mom and are wondering 'what could be going on?' She doesn't want to come sit with your mom and if you want her to do so, you would have to ASK her to specifically! People can't read our minds and figure out what we want or 'expect' from them! Plus, your friend is likely petrified of coming over to care for an old woman who she has no experience caring for, knows nothing about, and feels scared she may be responsible for harming! What if mom falls? What if she chokes? What if what if what if?

If you need respite, hire a caregiver to come into your home and don't jeopardize friendships, that's my suggestion. Never in a million years would I have ever expected my friends to care for my parents, under any circumstances, and would never have asked them for such a thing. Same goes for my cousins......it was my responsibility and I owned it.

By the same token, if one of my friends asked me to take care of her parent, I'd have a not-so-great reaction to it, to be honest with you. There are services they can hire to do that!
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Riverdale Jun 2022
I agree. Sometimes when I would go out of town a few people mentioned doing something regarding my mother but I never felt their heart was in it. They also dealt with late parents mostly on their own. I think in those cases no one wants to relive what they have been through. You might also consider that Covid has added a whole other layer of risk and concern.

I honestly don't know if I will ever want to go into a Nursing Home after my mother is gone. I have done it before with others but never at the level and frequency I have to now.

Yesterday we discovered my mother has drop foot. She was in excruciating pain if it was touched and my husband had to elevate the pedal of the wheelchair. The nurse couldn't. Then I looked in her armoire and they had a ridiculous sweater of another residents in there. I just wanted to pull my hair out. She also has a next door neighbor who is always screaming for help. I actually find I can try to help her with simple requests when no one comes

A follow up call had them stating her foot seemed better today. They upped her pain medication and are going back to try some therapy and get a brace. It just feels endless. Those who know me know what this process has been like for me.

I am sorry you feel let down but if a person doesn't express a willingness to help they are likely not a good choice to be left alone with your mother. Perhaps you can take the advice you have been given and seek some paid help from someone experienced with dealing with the elderly.
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You just making assumption just because one friend is helping the other should as well. Perhaps she is not as uncomfortable with sick people or has her own reasons.
I like to keep friendships intact, therefore, not expecting any favours, it is nice to go out, be invited for dinner or we invite them. But I know most of them will be here in time of crisis, I would not even have to ask.
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I feel you expecting your friend to sit with mom is unreasonable. I do not even ask my own adult children to help with my mom or husband's aunt.

If they want to help they will offer and caregiving even for a short time is not for everyone.

Look for relief other places.
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When you asked, and asked for a particular thing for her to do she agreed.
People WANT to help but they don't know exactly what help you need.
Keep a list of things that you need help with. Next time you talk to your friend say something like this....
"Ya know Betty, I have been so busy and I feel bad that we have not been able to get together. Mom takes a nap around 1:00, I do need a few things from the store. Would you mind getting me a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk and come by around 1:30 on Tuesday. I will make a snack for for us and we can have a little chat while mom is napping."
And this is important....When she comes over talk about ANYTHING but your mom. If she asks, great but don't dwell on it. This little chat should be about catching up and a little "break" for you.

I think you should try to find a caregiver that could come in for a few hours a day or two a week so that you can get away.
There may even be Volunteer Services that have volunteers that would sit with mom for a few hours. Keep in mind that they will probably do no "hands on" care so the time frame would be 3 to 4 hours at the most.
If mom is on Hospice the Hospice can provide a volunteer for about 3 to 4 hours once a week, or every other week if that is what works for you.
If mom needs no real tending to you might even ask around the neighborhood, this is a Summer break there may be Students home from college or some taking a few courses that might want to work a few hours a week.
Another place I found GREAT caregivers was the Community College, there is a Nursing Program and I hired 2 that had finished their CNA certification and were waiting for the Nursing Program to start.
You could also check your local Area Agency on Aging and see if there are any programs you or your mother would qualify for.
And..because this is me answering...
If mom is eligible for Hospice or if you are unsure contact the Hospice of your choice. They will evaluate her. You will get Supplies. A Nurse will come 1 time a week. A CNA will come at least 2 times a week to order supplies, bathe her and change bedding if needed. And you would have the ability to ask for a Volunteer. You would get the equipment you might need and all the "diapers" wipes, ointments, gloves that you need. And a great benefit is that Medicare, Medicaid and private insurance will cover about 1 week of Respite for a Hospice patient each year.
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Cover999 Jun 2022
I'm sorry but your first paragraph LOL. The lady wants to end the friendship so she is slowly distancing herself from the OP in a subtle way.
(1)
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Just curious, what do you offer to do for her?
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She is trying to distance herself from you in a subtle way.
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cwillie Jun 2022
You may be right but I disagree... I love all my friends but h3ll will freeze over before I willingly put myself into the role of caregiver again. If they ask because they are in a bind and I know they have no other option I may step in... once.
(7)
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Be grateful & appreciative of the friendships you have.

Be a friend back to them.

Hire a regular sitter so your Mom gets used to 1-3 regulars.

Then go out with your friends for a coffee or whatever.
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You asked and she said she would help...what more do you want? She may see that if she offers you will take this as a permanent thing which is something I am sure she doesn't want to do. When you were younger did you offer to babysit other's children or aging parents without being prompted? This is not her burden to bear. Be thankful that you can probably rely on her in an emergency.
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I would not want the responsibility, what if something bad happens while I am on watch duty?

Hire a trained sitter to keep your mother company.

Don't jeopardies your friendship over this issue which can be resolved by hiring someone, maybe you two can enjoy a nice lunch together have a regular outing, not just wanting to use her for an emergency.

Friends do fun things together.
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Because friends are never the people you think they are. The only one you can count on is yourself.
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Justretired99 Jun 2022
what kind of friend would expect their friend to sit with their parent. She needs to hire someone or send her mom to medical adult daycare. If her mom is on Medicaid it’s covered if not she can pay out of pocket.
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Do what I do....ask you friend to keep her eyes and ears open for anyone willing to give you a break, Be honest about being burned out. She may volunteer on her own. But in her defense, she may be afraid something will happen while she's there. Does she at lest come over while you are caring for your mother? Maybe she could just pitch in while there. Unfortunately, and I found this out while caring for my father, our feelings have to move to the side for a while. I hate that, but it's true. If you can get a break, go somewhere and cry if you want to. :)
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I'm in your situation. But after being focused on my mother's care for 16+ years, most of my friends only call or text occasionally. I'm fine with that.

If I were in their position, I wouldn't want to sit with someone else's elderly LO either. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that. So I don't put conditions or expectations on my friends and I don't ask them to help me.

I've hired sitters to stay with my mother so I can get out.
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Your friends may be uncomfortable with fall prevention or toileting issues, which are always a possibility with senior sitting. That doesn’t mean they are bad friends.
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Babysitting and elder sitting are not volunteer positions.

Plan your absences and hire someone to stay with Mom.
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I once went on a girls trip with four of my friends. We all paid 1/5th in advance. At the last minute, one of them let me/us know she was bringing her 92 year old mother along. She didn’t contribute anything extra. Her mother got the best bedroom and we had to keep the house at 80 degrees because her mother was cold. I’m sure she was thrilled to have four captive others to entertain and serve her mother. I already have two elderly loved ones to care for. We aren’t friends anymore.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Jun 2022
I have no words. My mom is currently taking care of my 95 year old grandmother and she treats her annual beach trip with her friends as sacred. We step in and take care of my grandmother so that my mom can get her peaceful retreat. My mother would never dream of taking my grandmother with her. That's her break!! She'd pay her part and stay home if she couldn't go for some reason before she would impose on her friends like that. And they all love my grandmother - as do I, but my grandmother can be...a lot sometimes. I just can't even imagine!
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I understand your situation but, more than like it’s a physical obligation she chooses not to honor. And we do have choices! It doesn’t make her any less of a friend though ( my opinion). It’s just there are some things we are willing to do and some we’re not. If she has helped or is helping in other ways then appreciate that and keep moving forward knowing that that one thing she doesn’t want to do 💕
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Your friend does not feel up to the challenge of watching your mom. Best option is to learn to live with this and value what you do enjoy in the relationship.
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I don't understand why you would expect your friend to be your hired help, especially as a caregiver for your mother!

How would you feel if someone asked you to be a caregiver for their parent? You said that your mother is frail. What if your mother falls, or goes to the restroom on herself while your friend is watching her?

Your friend probably does not feel comfortable with watching your mother, and I don't blame her.

You need to hire someone to watch your mother.
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Easy. She doesn't want to. She probably sees how the occasional sitter job will morph into a lot more. It is not her job, or her parent. She doesn't want to open that can of worms. And you are mad, she doesn't do it. Why is it her job to cater to you? Its not. If your car broke down, would you assume she should fix it, or drive you everywhere?
I'm sure she sees and hears about what you are going thru and doesn't want to be slid into caregiver #2 and employee role for free. It will never end, and you will get mad when she says no. Or decide her excuse is not good enuff for you. You already decided her time is not important. You said her kids are grown so she can do it. WRONG! Entitled much? Her time and life are up to her not you. She is not your employee.
Time to hire someone. Just because someone is your friend, doesn't mean they are are YOUR free caregiver. I'd run too.
I had a friend who tried sliding me into a free child care. Wrong, no and heck no. Those kids didn't listen, and I envisioned they ran out into the street and got hit by a car, and I was legally responsible, and got hauled off to jail. No way!

Your friend is probably envisioning you sliding her into #2 free caregiver whenever you want, and something happening to your mom. Then you hold her responsible, and want to call police or sue. She is probably thinking no way!
That is very selfish of you to decide she needs to be your caregiver because you are friends. She doesn't owe you.
That 1 time emergency, would morph into a weekly free carer. You know you would try to do that. She didn't sign up for that. It is not her job. Why do you feel you are entitled to her being your caregiver? Hire someone! I wouldn't be surprised if she ghosts you.
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Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need. Some people love a challenge but others retreat at unfamiliar situations. It's very likely your friend doesn't feel confidant taking over and being alone with your Mom. When someone has no experience doing something, they usually shy away. Taking care of an elderly person is a huge responsibility, and anything can happen. That's probably your friend's fear. That said, you should ask for help for a short period of time one day. That will give her the "experience" to feel more confident the next time. Ultimately, she may never "volunteer" but as long as you know she will step up if you ask, that should help you get over your hurt feelings. I would not take this personal at all, as I'm sure she is your close friend for many other very good reasons.
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