I was sole caregiver for over ten years for both elderly parents and am now sole caregiver for my surviving parent, my 93-year-old mother, who is now frail and I dare not leave her alone. Over the years my own life has shrunk as caregiving became more consuming, but I do have two very good friends and confidantes who know I have been burnt out for a while. I support them in their own travails too as any real friends do. One of the friends has been so generous and supportive and anticipated all kinds of needs, but the other one hasn't even offered to come sit for an hour so I could do something urgent. I did ask her once to do so and she agreed, but then my appointment fell through. I just don't understand it and it hurts my feelings. My mother doesn't need any scary tending to, and my friend's own family obligations are few--her children are grown and her husband is still working in an actual office, so he isn't home during the day. Her own aging parents live out of town and stubbornly refuse to move, so she hasn't had to care for them yet. What could be going on?
I would not the longest day of my life ever push my mother off on anyone I care about. You shouldn't either.
I'd NEVER ask a friend to pick up the slack. That's why there are CG agencies.
Keep your friends in a different category than CG's.
That said, your second friend - who you state you have asked once for help and she agreed - is also a good friend; you asked for help, and she agreed! Not her fault your plans fell through. Expecting friend number 2 to behave the same way as friend number 1 in unreasonable, and frankly (at the risk of sounding harsh) somewhat selfish of you. Many caregivers don't have even 1 person in their life willing to take on helping a friend in their caregiving, and you seemingly have 2, albeit you need to specifically ask one for help.
I do agree with the other posters here who have told you that you'd be better off looking to hire outside CG's to give you a set amount of respite. It would be better for you AND your friends. Then you can use the respite time partly to spend "friendly" time with your friends, rather than "caregiving" time with your friends. If you continue to only use your two friends, you might find those friendships strained - if not over - by the end.
Besides, when you asked her she agreed. It wasn't her doing that it didn't happen, was it?
Next time you need an hour or two, ask her again.
By your own admission, your friend knows that you are burned out on caregiving. Perhaps she is scared of the responsibility.
That being said, not to put too fine of a point on it, but you do a disservice to your friend by making it seem as if she should have the bandwidth to help you because she doesn't seem have as much going on in her own life and therefore she should just be able to spare the time. It's the same logic that many people apply to stay at home moms when they expect them to do extra things at school because they "don't work" or those of us who work from home because we don't have to travel to an office we must have so much free time, or a retired grandparent should babysit their grandchild because "they don't have anything else to do with their time". You can't look at someone's life from the outside and assume that you know what they fill their time with just because they don't fill their time the same way you do. There may be things going on in her life that you aren't aware of that may be preventing her from offering.
Be fair to your friends and yourself. Instead of expecting your friends to cover for you, find a companion for your mother and go spend time with your friends!!
Your life will a lot happier if you have no expectation of others. We also measure others by what we would do. But not everyone believes or looks at things like we do. Be happy you have someone u can rely on.
If you need respite, hire a caregiver to come into your home and don't jeopardize friendships, that's my suggestion. Never in a million years would I have ever expected my friends to care for my parents, under any circumstances, and would never have asked them for such a thing. Same goes for my cousins......it was my responsibility and I owned it.
By the same token, if one of my friends asked me to take care of her parent, I'd have a not-so-great reaction to it, to be honest with you. There are services they can hire to do that!
I honestly don't know if I will ever want to go into a Nursing Home after my mother is gone. I have done it before with others but never at the level and frequency I have to now.
Yesterday we discovered my mother has drop foot. She was in excruciating pain if it was touched and my husband had to elevate the pedal of the wheelchair. The nurse couldn't. Then I looked in her armoire and they had a ridiculous sweater of another residents in there. I just wanted to pull my hair out. She also has a next door neighbor who is always screaming for help. I actually find I can try to help her with simple requests when no one comes
A follow up call had them stating her foot seemed better today. They upped her pain medication and are going back to try some therapy and get a brace. It just feels endless. Those who know me know what this process has been like for me.
I am sorry you feel let down but if a person doesn't express a willingness to help they are likely not a good choice to be left alone with your mother. Perhaps you can take the advice you have been given and seek some paid help from someone experienced with dealing with the elderly.
I like to keep friendships intact, therefore, not expecting any favours, it is nice to go out, be invited for dinner or we invite them. But I know most of them will be here in time of crisis, I would not even have to ask.
If they want to help they will offer and caregiving even for a short time is not for everyone.
Look for relief other places.
People WANT to help but they don't know exactly what help you need.
Keep a list of things that you need help with. Next time you talk to your friend say something like this....
"Ya know Betty, I have been so busy and I feel bad that we have not been able to get together. Mom takes a nap around 1:00, I do need a few things from the store. Would you mind getting me a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk and come by around 1:30 on Tuesday. I will make a snack for for us and we can have a little chat while mom is napping."
And this is important....When she comes over talk about ANYTHING but your mom. If she asks, great but don't dwell on it. This little chat should be about catching up and a little "break" for you.
I think you should try to find a caregiver that could come in for a few hours a day or two a week so that you can get away.
There may even be Volunteer Services that have volunteers that would sit with mom for a few hours. Keep in mind that they will probably do no "hands on" care so the time frame would be 3 to 4 hours at the most.
If mom is on Hospice the Hospice can provide a volunteer for about 3 to 4 hours once a week, or every other week if that is what works for you.
If mom needs no real tending to you might even ask around the neighborhood, this is a Summer break there may be Students home from college or some taking a few courses that might want to work a few hours a week.
Another place I found GREAT caregivers was the Community College, there is a Nursing Program and I hired 2 that had finished their CNA certification and were waiting for the Nursing Program to start.
You could also check your local Area Agency on Aging and see if there are any programs you or your mother would qualify for.
And..because this is me answering...
If mom is eligible for Hospice or if you are unsure contact the Hospice of your choice. They will evaluate her. You will get Supplies. A Nurse will come 1 time a week. A CNA will come at least 2 times a week to order supplies, bathe her and change bedding if needed. And you would have the ability to ask for a Volunteer. You would get the equipment you might need and all the "diapers" wipes, ointments, gloves that you need. And a great benefit is that Medicare, Medicaid and private insurance will cover about 1 week of Respite for a Hospice patient each year.
Be a friend back to them.
Hire a regular sitter so your Mom gets used to 1-3 regulars.
Then go out with your friends for a coffee or whatever.
Hire a trained sitter to keep your mother company.
Don't jeopardies your friendship over this issue which can be resolved by hiring someone, maybe you two can enjoy a nice lunch together have a regular outing, not just wanting to use her for an emergency.
Friends do fun things together.
If I were in their position, I wouldn't want to sit with someone else's elderly LO either. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that. So I don't put conditions or expectations on my friends and I don't ask them to help me.
I've hired sitters to stay with my mother so I can get out.
Plan your absences and hire someone to stay with Mom.
How would you feel if someone asked you to be a caregiver for their parent? You said that your mother is frail. What if your mother falls, or goes to the restroom on herself while your friend is watching her?
Your friend probably does not feel comfortable with watching your mother, and I don't blame her.
You need to hire someone to watch your mother.
I'm sure she sees and hears about what you are going thru and doesn't want to be slid into caregiver #2 and employee role for free. It will never end, and you will get mad when she says no. Or decide her excuse is not good enuff for you. You already decided her time is not important. You said her kids are grown so she can do it. WRONG! Entitled much? Her time and life are up to her not you. She is not your employee.
Time to hire someone. Just because someone is your friend, doesn't mean they are are YOUR free caregiver. I'd run too.
I had a friend who tried sliding me into a free child care. Wrong, no and heck no. Those kids didn't listen, and I envisioned they ran out into the street and got hit by a car, and I was legally responsible, and got hauled off to jail. No way!
Your friend is probably envisioning you sliding her into #2 free caregiver whenever you want, and something happening to your mom. Then you hold her responsible, and want to call police or sue. She is probably thinking no way!
That is very selfish of you to decide she needs to be your caregiver because you are friends. She doesn't owe you.
That 1 time emergency, would morph into a weekly free carer. You know you would try to do that. She didn't sign up for that. It is not her job. Why do you feel you are entitled to her being your caregiver? Hire someone! I wouldn't be surprised if she ghosts you.