Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

I am already grieving for my parents. Both are incapacitated. They have so many health issues while in their 80's. The multiple hospital trips and procedures are very hard on them. I personally hope they die in their sleep. I know it sounds cold, but why should they have to go through so much sickness before it's their time to pass? I love my parents so much, but enough is enough. I just continue to wait and wait until I get the call.

I completely understand and I have the same feelings...if an elderly person is so miserable in themselves and there is no quality of life then I do not see the point in that person living.

I am so hearing you re this subject. I too have a miserable/challenging mother who sadly is a burden. I long to do a runner from being her carer and sounding board, but don't bcoz I don't want to leave the burden of it all to my sis. Yup it's tough and I feel for you. I now see her much less and if she's in a particularly foul mood I make excuses to leave. I'm starting to loathe her tbh and sometimes dream of shoving a pillow over her head, oops, did I just say that 😬😆. Feeling for you and sending you virtual hugs and strength

Thinking about a couple of posts about funerals, I think there is a lot going for cremation – more than not taking up far too much land for cemeteries, and upsetting people when very old graves get pushed aside to make room for the new dead.

The funeral service can be much the same for burial and cremation. For burial it’s normally in a church, with all the fixed religious rhetoric, plus the mental stuff for people who don’t go along with the religious assumptions (like rising from the dead and meeting mom and dad). Then for burial, you all move to stand around a hole in the ground, everyone gets emotional, then you listen to the clods of earth plonking on the coffin, and wonder how long the coffin will keep the rot and worms out. It wrings every last misery out of the experience.

For cremation, the coffin sinks down on a lift, collecting the ashes takes place later without ceremony, and the family decides what to do with them, when. I’ve never favored keeping them on the mantelpiece, I prefer scattering in the sea or a river, but there are lots of options. You choose who will be present, invitations are rarely provided to 70 year-old ex-spouses who turn up dressed like teenagers, and you play it however you want.

Let’s hear it for cremation!

I read this on another thread:

“My Mother is so inconsiderate of everyone. She has always been a very caring, warm person. In the past 2 years I don't even recognize her. She says hurtful things, argumentative, and demanding. I feel sad that after having a wonderful , warm relationship all our lives, now I don't even want to spend time with her, but I do.”

My mom just died 6 days ago, and the above is exactly how I felt. I did want her suffering to end, her feeling of not being able to breathe and the fear that went with it. Also, the extreme difficulty of toileting and the anxiety and embarrassment it caused her. Also, aches and pains and the start of a pressure sore.

But if I’m honest, “I” wanted my life back. My husband, my children, my aging/sick dog, my health, my house and my job all were on the back burner. Every waking hour, even when I wasn’t there, was consumed with her. I would even wake up in the night thinking I was there, with a frantic thought like ”did I turn her oxygen back down!”

It would have been ok in the shorter term, but after the 6 month mark came and went it was too much. This being after about 4 years of caring for her from 10 miles away, as she got worse and worse. Someone on here also asked, was it right to save someone’s life? We did that a couple times, too. Only to become her bedside nurse, as she was bed bound the last 6+ months.

If she had lived another month she would have ended up in a care facility. She would have fought it, hated it and been furious at me. So if I’m brutally honest, yes, I did want her to die, which is hard to admit.

Tomorrow is her funeral, and my pastor will give a lovely eulogy and pay tribute to the loving, caring person she once was. It won’t be mentioned that she installed the buttons to press to invoke the FOG. Everyone will tell me what a wonderful daughter I am. I’m dreading it like the plague. I’m just going to steel myself and say thank you and think of all you supportive people who truly understand these complex emotions. I appreciate you all very much.

I hear you Mid. I pray every night for mine to be released from their broken bodies too. Something has to give in my neck of the woods. I cannot stand watching this anymore.

I prayed every day for a year that my MIL could be taken 'home'.

A YEAR.

And I felt no guilt nor anything like unto it. She was miserable and making everyone around her miserable. Now she's gone and slowly--so slowly, I see my DH coming out of HIS year long depressive funk---b/c he was roped (though FOG) to help care for this woman.

She's out of that sick body and her mind is at rest. Now for the people she damaged in life to find some similar kind of peace.

I forgot to mention that she is not interested in getting home health care at all and don't even mention skilled nursing, so I have some challenges ahead of me....

I have felt this way all week as I care for my Mother who has yet another UTI. She seems to be gradually getting worse, losing more mobility each day, and I'm afraid she's going to be bedfast soon and I don't know what to do. I hate to see her miserable and suffering.

This is a perfectly normal feeling.Who in their right mind likes to watch such suffering especially a family member?

I think it’s totally normal to think this. My mom wakes up crying wishing she was dead. Depressive, paranoid then aggressive. She’s 90. Her sisters passed at 97, 95 and 92 with dementia. I’m dreading I’ll be in this situation with her for 7 more years. She’s physically strong, only issue other than dementia is high blood pressure. She’s 4ft 11 and 104lbs. When she becomes aggressive she gets full of adrenaline and does a good job attempting to beat the daylights out of me. One of her sisters that is still living and also has dementia, attacked her husband. She was arrested!

I feel like you do.

I have felt the same way this week. My mother lost her mind and I just think how much better off she be if she just died. And how much better off I would be because I am watching the person she was die and this person moving around not my mother her mind is gone.

I am having a tough time with my dad. He lives in a wonderful AL facility. Lots to do, great friends, activities, etc. All he does is sit and talk about how he doesn’t deserve this! He refuses to go places with us, complains and yells when we visit, etc. I don’t wish for him to die. I wish for him to just be happy. My biggest fear is that I will die (only child living)and my precious adult children will have to deal with him!

I can sure relate to this, and yes, I know this was asked years ago. My mother died in April of last year. She was never a happy person, and after my dad died, she got worse. She stopped doing anything for herself and sat in front of the TV, smoked like a chimney, and ate junk food. She loved that she could order food and smokes to be delivered. Mom was a type 2 diabetic and didn't care, going so far as to say she'd just take more insulin. We tried to get her to see a counselor for years because she was depressed, but she refused. There's only so much you can do...

She finally ended up in a nursing home, which she hated and loved. Hated not being able to smoke and loved that she could just lie in bed and do nothing. She went from using a wheelchair to being bedbound. When we visited, and we live 4 hours away, she paid more attention to the TV than she did to us. I eventually said no more. I made my peace with her and told her I loved her at what ended up being our last visit. I was ready for her to pass and hoped it would be peaceful, painless, and soon.

When she died, I felt nothing at first, and then it was pure relief with some happiness for her because she was back with Dad. She and I had never had a great relationship, so I was glad to be free. I hadn't quite divorced her, but at the end of her life we weren't talking.

Not all mother-daughter relationships are good or even tolerable. And that's OK, even though folks do their best to make us feel bad for not having that apple-pie relationship.

My mom prayed for God to take her home to be with my dad. She never anticipated, nor did she even want to live to be in her 90’s with Parkinson’s disease. She died at age 95.

She knew that Parkinson’s disease was progressive, without a cure? Who could blame her for feeling as she did. I certainly didn’t blame her for wanting to leave this earth. It broke my heart to see her suffering.

I wanted her to be free from the emotional and physical pain of Parkinson’s disease. I was relieved when she died because I knew that she was finally at peace.

I used to pray to God to take my 95 yo parents. They are lingering in a NH no end in sight.

I now started praying to God to take me. I really can no longer handle the stress. It would be a blessing to not have to think about this situation anymore.

Well done for being able to be honest about a difficult emotional situation!
I couldn’t agree with you more…..
I also have a toxic, negative parent/s and I think at least there will be peace and relief for them after death.

I can’t deny that I pray for my mom’s end of life. She is 90. Year 6 of Lewy Body. Her mental state has deteriorated greatly the past 3 months. She is ready to go, I am ready to let her go. Dementia has made her a shell of who she was just 6 years ago. Her health is good but she has outlived her brain. This is miserable to watch and not a good life for her. Good Luck.

When my dad was dying, I sat with him and a nearly full bottle of morphine and Ativan. I did not know then that my dad had told my mom he wanted to kill himself. I would have done it for him as a last gesture of love.

Belle:

I can feel your pain of dealing with your narcissistic mother. Sadly, the narcissist pushes everyone away and the children who still continue to help her during her illness get the brunt of her narcissistic behavior.

Your mother’s NPD will never change, so it’s time for you to put her in a SNF before you end up getting sick yourself. Save yourself and your sanity and do what’s right for your health.

How about feeling guilty that you saved someone …one too many times ?
DH and I think I did this . Last June we went to visit my FIL in AL and I saw that he was in CHF . I got the nurse and FIL went to the hospital . He was so bad they recommended hospice but FIL “ got better “ while he thought about it and went to rehab instead . Now he’s having very bad neck and upper back pain . It started with his neck and it’s gotten worse . He hasn’t had an x ray yet but I would bet it’s compression fractures . He has bad osteoporosis and looks like a question mark when standing up . He would not be a candidate for surgery . He’s been declining and I fear it will now be a slow very painful decline .

My LO has poor mobility. Was assessed as needing assistance for outings & transport use. Despite this, has now started taking taxis multiple times a week alone.

The determination to be independant.

But also lack of insight increasing risk of harm.

A serious fall will put an end to solo outings.

I am trying to ignore my worry.
It will be as it will be. Maybe a small injury or maybe a fatal headstrike on the concrete.

So glad there are others like me. A daughter at her wits end - knowing and feeling the physical changes that are happening because of the caregiver stress. Parents who expect their children to care for them in their old age are as selfish as anyone else. They are literally stealing our lives and think nothing of it. Yes the medical community needs to wake up - this is not living - just keeping a shell of a person that adds nothing positive alive. The worst are the parents that had the knowledge of planning and completely refused to do so. This thread helps know I am not alone. The relatives that have opinions- the looker loo family members that come to criticize and offer no help. No, I am cutting myself off from all of these useless people - there will be no feeding at the funeral, I will make arrangements but will not be attending. I don’t need to hear the accolades, the praise the condolences. Very few understand. So tired and unappreciated. May she go soon!

I have told my children that under any circumstances they are not to care for me. I have my financials taken care off - will not steal my children’s life like mine is being stolen.

My grandmother will be 103 in a few months. My dad had a major stroke a little over a year ago. My mom is battling blood cancer. They are both in their 80’s, and live solely to take care of my grandmother, who is blind, deaf, and suffers dementia. I know for an absolute certainty that the stress of caregiving for my grandmother has contributed significantly to both of my parents health problems.

None of them want nursing home care, for anyone.

My grandmother has never been a happy person, but she was independent once. Now she’s extremely anxious, needy, manipulative, melodramatic, narcissistic, stubborn, totally self unaware.

Being in the orbit of the caregiving solar system, I do what I can, but I can’t make them do anything. I wish my grandmother would die. She’s lived a very long life, and the burden of her care is literally killing my parents.

Nope, I wished the same for my dad. He had several strokes and was almost bed bound, wearing diapers, had a catheter and was dependent on Mom and caregivers for everything. He was miserable and humiliated and made everyone miserable too. He refused to do PT or exercises to help with mobility, just sat all day and watched TV, waiting to die.

Mom was driving herself to ill health trying to solve all his problems and keep him alive. Mainly because they were barely eking out on 2 Social Security incomes and she knew when he died she would be in bad financial straits. And I do think she still loved him in spite of it all.

So when he died I was relieved, now I could go in and deal with all the financial issues, straighten out the money, sell the house, and get Mom into a comfortable AL facility where she could relax and enjoy life again.

It’s natural to see posts on death on this forum because this is a caregiver forum.

We hear various stories from people who’ve shared their experiences with caring for an elderly family member.

I am going to share something that some people may find odd. It’s okay if you do. I may be a work in progress but I certainly hope that I have grown enough to be capable of accepting any criticism.

Several years back when my daughter was in college she rescued the most adorable 5 year old toy poodle. He had been abused and surrendered. He was skittish around everyone but he instantly took to my daughter.

I told my daughter that I thought he had picked her out to be his new owner. She loved him to pieces. He was with her in her apartment throughout her college years and awhile afterwards.

He had a hip injury that the vet said were from the physical abuse, most likely from someone throwing him or hitting him.

Later on he developed Cushing’s disease and it was managed with medication. As he grew older it became more difficult to treat and she took him to the vet to seek advice.

Her vet said something to her that she found very helpful in dealing with her emotions.

The vet is a friend of the family. Our kids grew up together. His daughters went to LSU for college too. He knows my daughter well and knew how much she loved her dog.

She was crying in his office and asked him what else could he possibly do for her dog.

He told her that it was time for her dog to be euthanized. She was hesitant at first to accept that he should be euthanized.

Her vet told her, “Don’t wait until you resent your dog to make the decision to euthanize your dog.

I have pet owners who come in my office, they have loved their dogs for years but when they grow old and have accidents in the house so often they don’t know how to handle it.

They say to me, “I hate my dog. Kill it, so I won’t have to deal with them anymore!”

I know that they don’t really hate their dogs. They’re tired and frustrated and hate seeing their dogs suffer.”

My daughter consented to having her dog euthanized because she never wanted to hate her dog’s behavior that badly that she would begin to resent or hate him.

He had been having frequent accidents and was beginning to suffer more with his Cushing’s disease.

I never shared with my daughter that many people feel this way about the elderly people in their lives that they are caring for.

I didn’t want her to think that I was comparing her grandmother to a dog! Although, her dogs are like her children. Now, she has a beautiful Siberian Husky.

It’s so hard to watch our family members suffer. It’s so hard to go through caregiving whether we love them or not.

I am not comparing people to animals. I’m comparing our emotions that are involved. At least for those of us who are animal lovers, I hope that you understand my sentiment.

Watching someone’s life fade to where a person can’t function anymore is incredibly sad. We don’t euthanize people but we can enlist the support from hospice to aid in keeping them comfortable.

Many people are relieved after their family member dies because they are no longer suffering. We grieve and in time the pain lessens.

I don’t think we should wait until the last minute to bring in hospice. Plus, hospice can play an important role in helping people accept death, just like our vet helped my daughter accept that her precious dog deserved to die being loved. She found peace knowing that she was doing the right thing.

I probably posted on this waaaaaay back, months and months ago.

We are still on tenterhooks, waiting for MIL to pass away. She must have made a pact with the devil, b/c she is not going anywhere any time soon.

Her situation gets worse and worse, the kids are exhausted and angry. My DH chewed me out yesterday b/c I asked him what his days with his mom looked like this week. You'd have thought I'd asked him to cut off a hand for him--his response was just anger filled, and completely unnecessary. All he had to say was 'I am on Monday, Thursday and Saturday.' And the discussion would be over. Instead, he snapped at me and then angrily got up and watched TV until 2 hrs past the time he was supposed to be at MIL's.

He's mad at HER, but by darn, I get all the anger. IDK if our marriage can handle the stress much longer. He keeps saying it has 'nothing to do with YOU'--yet of course it does!

Displaced anger--I am in hot water for things I don't do and for things I DO do.

Being someone who is not afraid of death, yes, I do wish my MIL could pass away. She's bringing no joy to anyone and doing nothing but breaking this family to pieces.

My friend, a Buddhist, says we must wish them well. Because 1) Karma and 2) the more we wish their quick exit, the longer they will linger! She currently deals with a heinous stepfather, 78, who has lived through lung cancer and is still ticking right along… for years!

After being on this forum for a while, I’m finally realizing that there really is no goal line at the end of life. Life is for living, and nobody gets a prize at the end. I don’t know what we all expect to have happen when we get old, it’s like everybody’s trying to live longer and longer, but no one seems to realize that your body and mind will deteriorate and you better darn well accept that long before you need help. My mother should have sold her big two-story house decades ago. Now she couldn’t get out if something happened. No one wants to live with her because they know she’ll suck their soul out. The house needs work, but she keeps saying it’s for the next owner to deal with, even though the old plumbing affects her now. None of her kids have the money or bandwidth to pay for her stuff, although she says we should because the house is in a trust with our names on it. My comfort, which is awful, is that she refuses to take meds, and she refuses help in anyway except telling my brother what to do, and refusing his suggestions, so she’s shortening her own life.