Follow
Share
Read More
1 2 3 4 5
I am in this position. When my 10 years mutually estranged mother showed up at my door last October my world and freedom collapsed. She’s meaner than ever, lies a lot, accepts NO responsibility for any of the horrible things she’s done. As I plow through the process of getting her 4 level neck fusion done and her recovered (as much as she can since she still smokes)I live in fear of the point I’m told “she can’t live alone anyone.” Because getting her in a facility will be hell. We’ll have to do a little bit of Medicaid spend down. There was all sorts of drama when she had hospital delerium with her recent surgery, and we’d tried to get her to skilled nursing. Her insurance ended up refusing, but she also screamed at everyone she was going home. Told the dr I’m a “b*tch” for trying to send her to rehab.
How someone who has smoked 60 years, has PVCs, blood pressure all over the place, and wheezes when she breathes can survive a 6 hour surgery is beyond me.
Meanwhile, my own dr is telling me I need counseling and possibly meds to deal with my stress before it affects my health conditions.
My default is to do the right thing, to follow up on all her medical needs. But man, I really can’t do this another 10 years.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Oedgar23
Report
verystressedout Jul 2023
You and I need an exit plan.
(4)
Report
See 3 more replies
My mom is so verbally abusive, I sometimes wish she would die.

I’ve taken such good care of her, that I’ve prolonged the life of my abuser. I’ve prolonged the number of years I’ve been abused. It’s like extending the life of your torturer.

Today I was in a very cheerful mood. Something good happened to me today.

I then spoke to the caregiver on Zoom video about some changes we need to make, but unfortunately my mom could see me too. My mom could see me smiling from ear to ear. So of course, she increased her insults x 1,000.

I was no longer smiling from ear to ear.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to verystressedout
Report
ventingisback Jul 2023
(((Hug)))

I have also sometimes wished someone to die, because of their appalling behavior.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
My husband had a massive stroke that left him uncommunicative, unable to open his eyes and unable to use his arms and legs. He has to be fed. His quality of life is nonexistent. The nursing facility tells me he could survive over a year in his present state. I dearly love him but I want him to pass for his own peace. I do not feel guilty about feeling this way. He is no longer the man he was and he would hate knowing what he has become.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to frizzle
Report
Riverdale Jul 2023
Could he not go on hospice? Will he know in this condition if he is being fed? I am so sorry for your situation and I certainly understand your feelings. I can't imagine hospice is not being considered with this occurrence. Hope you find the help you need.
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
These posts ARE raw pain---and we post b/c we feel awful about having these 'hateful thoughts' about someone that we feel we 'should' love--but cannot.

I know somewhere way down towards the first post I added my 2 cents worth. My MIL is in Hospice care but is flourishing, she could probably graduate out of Hospice Care. Imminent death has passed and she really is OK. The kids are still doing 24/7 shifts rotating through the weeks. DH states that this is the way it will be until she dies. It could be a year, even.

We're heading into month 6 of 24/7 care from her 3 kids. My DH is the middle 'kid'. Everything he does or doesn't do is tainted by her overarching needs.

I have no idea how she got these 3 intelligent people to crawl and squirm for her. It's long since passed 'annoying' and has become "INSANE". No other words for it.

I pray daily that she can die, not in pain and agony, just GO.

Our lives are entwined with hers. I get advice to ignore her, ignore the situation, ignore my DH and his craziness over his mom--but it's affecting me seriously.

I'm BACK into therapy. Taking MORE beta blockers and am looking down the barrel of another cardiac ablation b/c my SVT is back---I think I might die before she does.

EVERYTHING is about her. Making her happy, keeping her comfortable. Making sure she has everything she wants and needs.

She's beyond thrillled b/c she has her 'kids' back home and it's just the way she wants it.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Midkid58
Report
LilyLavalle Oct 6, 2023
I know this is an old post, but you really hit on something for me ( that probably should have been obvious). My mother is getting exactly what she wants. My brother, who was barely in contact since Covid is now there once a week for about 1.5 hours. I’m there almost every day. Other relatives come weekly. And people outside her direct orbit are lavishing her with sympathy and loving wishes. And here I am feeling sorry for her.
(0)
Report
These posts are raw pain

Heartbreaking

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all of you

and myself as well.

being ignored and invalidated and abused and then expecting the person you did that to to take care of you?

and we do it anyway.

Why? idk
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to anonymous1683855
Report

Hello BeeSuz, my new and only sister,
and Hot, we are now part of the club of daughters who have mom’s with better health than us because of us. Let’s laugh for half a minute about the irony. I hope you a good day.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to verystressedout
Report

I can identify. My mom is the sweetest. But, I'm so tired. Of it all.
I get it. You are not alone.
Peace to you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to BeeSuz
Report
verystressedout Jul 2023
Your mom is the sweetest? I want to be your sister.

I know it’s hard. Peace to you too.
(3)
Report
See 3 more replies
From the internet: “I used to wish my mother would die and that they would bury her on another planet. That is how much I hated her.”
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to verystressedout
Report
BeeSuz Jul 2023
My mom is still sleeping. Hopefully, she will be till 10 or 11 am. I cringe when I hear her door open.
She is the sweetest that's why I feel sooo guilty for being so tired of it all.
She's not mean in the slightest. She's not demanding.
Waiting to cringe today.
( How do I reply to you, when you reply to my original post? I do not see a reply button there.)
Please, be my sister. Mine are useless.
I can not even talk freely to them like I have here.
(12)
Report
See 1 more reply
I just want her to die asap and I'm saying it out loud.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to verystressedout
Report
BeeSuz Jul 2023
My mom's blood pressure is perfect. Mine hasn't been in 14 years. 🤨
(7)
Report
See 5 more replies
Hothouse, gosh!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to verystressedout
Report

I have a friend who was busy with work, she couldn’t take care of her parents very much. The mom was mean, the dad was nice. They lived at home alone. She lived nearby. Suddenly it all happened fast, her parents died within a year. She regretted she didn’t help more.

Now I’m thinking, how lucky her mean mom died fast. My friend is free from any abuse. She also stopped having nightmares. Turns out it was all connected to her mean mom. And she started living with joy.

Someone on the internet wrote this: “I'm glad my mother is dead. This is the only place I can say that and have people understand.
She is gone, and will never again hurt me or anyone I love, and the world has become a kinder place. She did not get better as she got older, but was less able to keep the mask in place, so more and more people saw the abyss of nastiness within her.”

Someone else wrote: “I'm with you. My narc parents are dead now. I was absolutely not sorry to see them go and felt a great weight lifting. My narc older sister is still alive but she's doing her best to kill herself by not taking care of herself, so maybe I'll get rid of her too, soon. I absolutely understand. After a certain point of hideous brutality and destruction of body and soul, after betrayals so horrible you want to kill yourself over them...folks, some people need to be dead. I was related to three of them. Now there's just one, and that's a definite improvement.”

Someone else: “You wouldn't want this if she didn't deserve it.”
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to verystressedout
Report
Hothouseflower Jul 2023
Last July my 94 yo mothers condition deteriorated rapidly. She had heart failure. She had a DNR. She ended up in CICU. I really thought this was the end of the long hard slog, the end was finally in sight. . she was dying a natural death. My sisters and I did not want her to have the pacemaker the cardiologist recommended she receive. My mother did not have a health proxy and her 94 yo husband and my dad overrode her DNR and she got the damn thing. Now he is in a NH and she could live years longer all the while complaining that she is still here. Combine that with the fact her money is running out and she is the nastiest person I know. My father condemned us all to years more of this misery.
(7)
Report
Never said, written, thought this before: I wish her to be dead.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to verystressedout
Report

Haven’t been here for a while, and I want to confess. For the first time ever, today I thought of…what if I help my Mom die faster…

I would never do it. But it’s the first time ever I had that thought. She’s just so mean.

My crazy Mom. My mean Mom. How nice my life would be without her in my life. I mean really, really without her. No flying monkeys, no abuse…

It would be heaven. I think I’d start smiling again. I would breathe better. I would celebrate finally being free from abuse.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to verystressedout
Report
verystressedout Jul 2023
Reading my post, I see that it’s like she’s my boyfriend. Like being in a relationship with a bad boyfriend.

How I wish I would never have contact again.
(5)
Report
See 5 more replies
I love my mother, the mother I remember but I am so tired of her dementia, tired of her targeting me, tired of my life revolving around her needs. I am tired of 4 years of constant problem solving, hunting for lost items and nurses and doctors to monitor. Yes I wish and pray for this situation to end. It is not wanting her to die but this situation to die. She has lived a long life most of it depressive..her quality of life is low most days. As a friend says…she has outlived her brain at 90. Do not be hard on yourself.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
Report
Hothouseflower Jun 2023
Yeah I get it. My situation cannot end fast enough either. I’m mentally exhausted from the constant worry. Dealing with my parents’ issues has been draining. If I don’t die before they do, I doubt I will be grieving them, that’s how soul sucking these last three years have been.
(12)
Report
See 1 more reply
I know this sounds crazy and yes, I think I have been driven crazy. Caring for my self serving self absorbed father for almost three years now. As I mentioned before in a previous post, we now have no funds to place him into care. I’m the only one of his children who doesn’t give a …. about his money. I’d actually be quite happy if he was stone broke. But he’s not or rather he used to have enough to put him into care. I don’t know how much he has now and I don’t care. I’m just sick and tired of him and his sanctimonious hypocritical existence. I’m sure God is keeping him alive just to punish my husband and me. I know this sounds horrible but I can’t feel any love for him or compassion at all. He made our lives Hell as kids and he just keeps living. He’s made me into a selfish angry miserable person. The fact that he’s no longer violent or abusive now means very little as it’s only dementia that has changed him. I have too many hurtful memories that have been rearing their ugly head more and more lately. I know I should be talking to someone professionally about this but it won’t change a thing. People like my father go on living forever.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Favegirl1
Report
southernwave Jun 2023
Yes, I get it. I wish my narcissist MIL would die a quick peaceful death. It would be the most merciful thing that could happen for all of us. She had a mild heart attack recently so she doing the “I’m going to sit here and make you wait on me hand and foot” thing except her doctor said she is fine. She can drive etc. She won’t. Not my problem. I sent her groceries. She got mad. Etc. Her doc said she looks good and could easily go to 95, to which my DH and I both thought “FUDGE” (you know what word we meant). I’m going out of town later this week to go see MY mom. I haven’t told MIL yet and probably won’t until I’m already there. MIL will need an echo and a stress test which she is expected to fail, so before all of that I’m leaving for a week for some me time. A nice diabetic coma or a giant stroke would be such a needed end for her. I don’t even feel bad saying it. She’s miserable and only wants everyone to be as miserable as she is (though no one knows how she feels she exclaims!). There is zero chance I will be able to live through 10 more years of this. It’s pretty much down to her or me.
(13)
Report
See 3 more replies
It’s very,very,very difficult dealing with an extremely toxic,negative elderly parent. I do feel your pain and have even prayed to God for my dad to finally die and all this to be over so I and him can finally get some peace. My advice is put your mum in a care home so someone else is looking after her. Tell the doctors you can no longer take care of her. Get someone from social services down and tell them to sort her out a care home as you can no longer cope and she is a danger to herself. Put yourself first. These toxic people are like emotional sponges and looking after them eats away at your own health and happiness. I’ve done my duty and honored my parent as a daughter, lost years of my life looking after them.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Cazza11
Report

You've answered your own question:

"I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well."

You feel what you feel.

Feelings in families develop throughout a lifetime.
Not just now, when a mother is at the end of her life.

You are wounded.

If you want peace within yourself, you have to learn to let a part of YOU inside YOU to support YOU as a healthy mother would have. We all have many parts inside. One part is our own understanding of a compassionate healing mother.

We change how we feel when we honor our feelings. This is when they transform / 'process' through them.

"Wishing' you mom well through compassion for how she was / is - will serve you - for the rest of your life. You do not have to hold on to resentment and anger. Learn to process through it - to let it go. It is the process of learning how to love yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to TouchMatters
Report

My parents are alive but not living. There is no quality of life anymore. The joy for living is gone, there is nothing to look forward to. For me there is nothing to hope for anymore for them but peaceful deaths.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report
Way2tired May 2023
Sorry Hothouse . It’s so cruel all around. My FIL worst fear is to not walk and be in a wheelchair or nursing home . He’s in AL getting into mid dementia . He just finished rehab 2 weeks ago . His walking is already getting worse again . He doesn’t want to live if he can’t walk .
(2)
Report
I have to be honest. FIL is miserable , he’s making us miserable , I don’t see the point of him living . He’s stressed out DH . FIL almost in respiratory arrest twice in the last 3 months . DNR. The last time was just dumb luck that the nurse went in his room when she did. Makes you wonder why .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Way2tired
Report

is it wrong to hope someone lives? abortion, assisted suicide, addiction, the world we live in embraces death bc the "other world" creates kings in every religion and spiritual practice we are taugtto embrace spirit and maybe you are defining thst for yourself. (self-conscious is not the same as having a conscience, only you know what you are aware of and what is right) natureanimals energies are a good start.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Chevalier
Report

My mother was never a happy person either. She was abusive when growing up, downright cruel a lot and played favorites with us kids . I was not one of her favorites unfortunately. Her personality passed onto two of my sisters. They are younger versions of her. I didn’t see her the last few years of her life and haven’t seen my siblings for over 23 years with no regrets. It was stay in contact or lose my sanity. I chose my sanity with zero regrets. My only regret is not having a mother I deserved . Nothing I offered her was ever enough. She would always say she had to speak to my older sister and constantly bring up my brother’s who sexually abused me through out my childhood. She believed me about the abuse z, but then was angry when I refused to give her details of all that happened basically give her blow by blow descriptions which I refused. I was in therapy and told her it was not advices she then mocked my therapist or me for going. In her and my sister’s opinion I should have been sting enough to say no to a brother older and bigger that I was expected to listen to at all times and strong enough to fight back anything and everything done to me . When I said then I should have fought back when you beat me and pulled me around by my hair she hung up crying. She resorted to crying when she was losing anything, I then sent her a letter soI wanted no more contact as I needed peace from everyone until I was ready. I called her 6 years later when my husband was in a coma after a severe coronary and almost died. She called him my husband the entire time never his name which is close to hers and admonished him for smoking ( like we didn’t know this already) she was of no help or sympathy only talked about when my father had his heart attacks never as serious. I hung up on her and never heard anything until an hr before her funeral when a letter arrived in the mail from my sister telling me she had died. We lived 3 hours away so could not make her funeral even had I chosen to go z( I would not have) but I sthave no clue how or why she died. My sister claimed she didn’t know my number which was on my mothers phone. Just more games and lies . So yes I understand your situation all too well and it sucks we didn’t have mothers we deserved as all children deserve to have loving kinds mothers’s. You are not alone so don’t feel guilty. You are actually wishing the best for your mother, not something bad at all. Your wishing for peace for her , that’s kindness, nothing to be ashamed of , but to be proud of . I commend you actually! Give your self a break and ease up on yourself I wasn’t as nice in my wishes with mine. So easy on yourself and give yourself a break so you can relax. You have nothing to feel guilty over. I on the other hand do yet understand why I thought the things I did. Your a better person than I was so please relax and be at peace with yourself!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Taadaa58
Report

I don'tI don't think peace and rest for someone is ever wrong. I think we can also acknowledge that it is extremely more than okay and acceptable on every level that you need relief in your life as well. I think the common thought as a caregiver or even a loved one with somebody ill to that point, we feel like we should want them to live forever and hope for that. It's important to remember that if these elders were healthy they wouldn't need caregivers so it's only logical that we would be thinking of what happens in their future down the road. As a caregiver for both of my elderly parents while I work a full-time professional job, I can tell you that I'm many times have prayed to end their suffering and let them be at peace. Watching them struggle with pain and terminal confusion, the stress of daily life, and all of our frustration has been a huge cost to all of our lives and our family's lives. I hope it helps to know that I think all caregivers pray for some form of this whether they're willing to admit it or not.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Court74
Report

We want our LOs to stay alive.
But what about those long progressive disease with no hope and everything is getting worse, slow and then like run away train. And co- morbidities appear and the pain and decline.
And everything is getting worse weekly, daily even.
And suffering they are going to face as there is no hope.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Evamar
Report
Beatty Apr 2023
We want out LOs to stay alive, yes, but WITHOUT all those horrible things listed 😞.

If illnesses, disease, pain & disability are present & unable to be removed - have become intolerable, no quality of life left, well, I wouldn't say I wish them to die.. but I would rephrase & have no qualms saying "I hope their suffering can end soon".
(15)
Report
No. Not when you are dealing with an ungrateful, selfish, mean-spirited person that is lucky that anyone will put up with their $hit. That is my Dad. He is a wrecking ball to the family. I am learning to disengage and spell out to him what the limits of help will be.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to jemfleming
Report
BurntCaregiver Jul 2023
@jemfleming

Good for you.

BurntCaregiver 7/27/23
(1)
Report
Gracious! My mentally I’ll, alcoholic, Valium abusing mother with the same medical issues as your mother died four months ago. Honestly, I was ready for her to go; she had never been at peace a day in her life, and disrupted the peace of those around her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a burdensome situation to end so that you may have peace. 💜
Helpful Answer (29)
Reply to CMB241
Report

I often wonder why keep up with the life extending medications for a dementia patient...the cholesterol lowering drugs, the BP drugs, the blood thinning drugs.
Why?
I'm sorry, but it seems more merciful to die quickly of a stroke, or heart attack, than to suffer the long downward slide of dementia. I don't feel wrong for wishing for that, but medical practitioners seem determined to keep my sister alive for as long as possible. Why?
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to tiredsister
Report
NYDaughterInLaw Apr 2023
Because they make money on keeping her alive. They bill her insurance for every office visit. They schedule her for a 3-month follow-up visit to keep the guaranteed money coming in.
(12)
Report
See 6 more replies
My husband is currently in long-term care after a severe stroke and there are times when I wonder what my life would be like if he passed away and I was no longer a caregiver - it will be tough when he finally comes home. But in cases like yours, I agree that you have nothing to feel guilty about: you're wishing for her peace as much as for yours.

As for hospice, it's my understanding that it's not necessarily only for the terminally ill. Check with your state agency on aging, maybe, and see what they say. God bless!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to fxander
Report

My parents just recently moved in with me. My dad ruined their finances, mom refuses to help him keeping his meds straight, I think she has dementia. My dad is a miserable mean man, but my mother is a bipolar, narcissistic mean lady. Today she was yelling how selfish I am (while I was cleaning and doing their bills). There is NOTHING I can do to make them happy. Nothing is good enough and everything is my fault. I have been in tears all day for the horrible things she has said to me today. I asked my sibling is any of them would cry at our parents funeral… none of them thought they would. I think if I was as miserable as my parents- I would get in my car and drive over a cliff. I have thought how much better life would be without them, sometimes i feel guilty, but then they say/do something to remind me
how hateful they are. I am using them as an example to myself HOW NOT to live my life. Good luck to you!!
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Anne51
Report
BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Anne51

You say you just moved your parents in with you. Don't let any grass grow under their feet as the saying goes.
You make a mistake and that's okay. Get them moved out.
If your life has been made this miserable so early on in the "caregiving" experience, it will destroy you. They have to go.
Don't let them stay. Get them into AL and if they have dementia, then memory care.
Don't do this to yourself. As bad as you think things are now.
Just wait.
(22)
Report
See 3 more replies
Hey guys. I am in the same boat y’all were in. But the time is near the end of my grandpa. He was an a**hole , I keep trying to remind myself of that. I was never good enough for him. Even up to the day he went to the hospital he would complain argue etc. just stubborn as a horse. Near the end I think he did actually want to die.
my grandma and aunt were his primary caregivers and were so burnt out and annoyed with him. He’s very high maintenance. Now I and everyone else is shocked at our grief because he is laying in his death bed as we speak. We thought we’d feel better if he died, because that’s what we wanted for so long. And maybe we will after some time after his death has passed but for now we’re all feeling guilty for not treating him with more respect.
it’s kind of effed up. He was not physically there for his family for a long time (30-45 years) in the past 10 or so years he came to see us more and then finally when Covid hit he moved back to be with us because he was getting frail.

so really he emotionally neglected /physically neglected/ in some cases physically abused my aunt and mom when they were little but he still expected the whole world and more when he was getting old. We have given that to him. And strangely now I feel riddled with guilt that I wanted him to go.
at his bedside even though he’s unconscious on a ventilator idk if I should tell him my true feelings. They say the last thing to go is hearing and it would be nice to tell him how I really feel before he goes without having to argue with him.

I am so conflicted right now. It’s crazy.

im praying for everyone of you guys who were in my aunt /moms and I position a few months ago. Just wishing it would end. It’s finally here for us, we’re struggling with it.
praying for y’all
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to piscesmoon62
Report
BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
@piscesmoon62

I'm sorry or the situation your family is in, but honestly your grandfather got more respect and care from his family then he deserved.
You say he's an a**hole who spent the good years of his life abusing his family and selfishly living for himself. Then he comes back on the scene in his dotage a few years ago and expects his family to be fighting over who gets the honor of taking care of him?
Please.
None of you deserve a minute of guilt especially you as a grandchild.
A person reaps what they sow in this life.
If someone planted a field of indifference and resentment when it comes harvest time they will not bring in a crop of love and never-ending compassion.
Your grandfather is in his final days and who knows he could be reflecting on his life. Who knows? But owe him nothing. Not even a moment of guilt or regret.
When a person spends their life being an a$$hole who was never there for their family they shouldn't expect their family to be there for them.
Be kind to yourself and your family.
And, no you should not tell him your true feelings because it's too late now and he's out of chances to make amends.
God is his judge now.
(15)
Report
This is a link to an NPR article about this same story.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/03/08/1084912553/alzheimers-assisted-suicide-amy-bloom-in-love
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to gladimhere
Report
jocelynwray Mar 2023
Thank you. I have read the book, and their journey is amazing. While it sounded like a daunting path, I have been looking into it. All my best to you.
(0)
Report
1 2 3 4 5
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter