I don’t get out very often but recently I’ve had to forgo my training program at the gym simply because my father said to me that he’s surprised that my husband lets me go to the gym 4 times a week. I was furious. He still thinks women should be obedient and in the kitchen and not be allowed too much freedom in a marriage. I told him to mind his own business. My husband has no problem with me going anywhere, we have a happy unentitled marriage. He goes and does stuff he likes and so did I up to now. I cancelled my gym membership to shut my father up whingeing about my life choices. I’ve put on a lot of weight and he’s says “ but you used to look great when you had weight off.” I smoked 50 a day and hardly ate. Of course I was skinny. I have hypothyroidism which I was born with, which doesn’t help with weight loss. He just won’t shut his big Yap!!! Opinions about how my husband and I do things in our house. Sorry to vent
BUT look up the term "people pleaser."
Why on earth do you care about your siblings inheritance? Time to place dad.
So dad says insulting things about your agency as a married women?
So? So what?
"Welcome to my marriage, Dad".
"Women don't kowtow to men anymore, dad."
"Surprised? I can't imagine thinking that way."
You don't have to say these things, they're provoking and he has dementia, yes? But think them as you proceed to the gym.
You're an adult, and what your father thinks about your behavior is no longer of interest.
You don't "have to" do things just because others want you to.
Look into adult day care for your dad.
ALF are a good choice for temporary or permanent placement while the POA sorts out his marriage.
I am sure you love your siblings but it isn’t your responsibility to care for dad in order for them to inherit! You are giving up your health for their financial gain.
If that is their motivation for keeping him in your home, start charging enough until they no longer see you as a solution.
Angryannie, it will be easier to get him out of your home than to change him. He no doubt thinks he is helping you. Salvage what relationship you have with him and get him placed.
Why is your father living with you? How did that come to happen? Do you have siblings? Was there any kind of family decision made? What kind of caregiving do you do for him? Is he paying anything to live with you? He should be.
You need that gym membership for stress management. Time for your father to move elsewhere.
What is his financial situation? Are you POA? HCPOA?
I am HEARTBROKEN for you that you decided to stop going to gym because of your current situation. My ONE SINGLE RESPITE while my mother lived with me for 9 agonizing months, wasp.aping my violin.
And in spite of the fact that she actually LOVED to hear me play, she’d torment me in her horrible state of cognitive loss, to stop playing so that she wouldn’t lose a single minute of the 24 hours/day of the time she consumed from me.
In our case, I loved her dearly, and wanted her to be with me after surgery for her broken hip.
I could not trust her alone FOR A SINGLE SECOND, so I “slept” on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed for months, and quickly gained 60 pounds (you and I are “sisters”)-
PLEASE VENT- you NEED TO- YOUR FATHER NEEDS, FOR HIS WELFARE AND YOURS, TO BE PLACED!
OR, said a different way, YOU need to plan QUICKLY to make clear to your delightful siblings, that as of (whatever date you choose), you will NO LONGER be ABLE to provide for him.
The day of your birth was NOT the day you signed a promise that it would be you, however many years forward, would take up the yoke of his care. And it is you that must now SLIP OFF THAT YOKE.
Will your siblings be mad? SURE THING. But you will once again be able to enjoy a pleasant peaceful life, AND YOU DESERVE IT. And if your relationship was ever a sound family one, you will be able to restore it, after you are FREE!
.
After 9 months, I realized that my mother’s dementia had caused her to require a degree of care I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT PROVIDE, and foun a great residential care site, where she lived a beautiful life for over 5 years before she died, a few days short of age 95.
RECLAIM WHAT IS YOURS! YOU AND YOUR DH DESERVE IT! HUGS!
Sorry, you've lost me. Why, how would *anything* that your father said make you stop going to the gym?
Stop blaming your father for your reactions to what he says. Ignore him, and please yourself (and your husband, who sounds a lamb).
But for heaven's sake don't waste any breath on arguing with your father, either! Seriously. It doesn't *matter* what he says - can his words lock the front door or hide your trainers? No. They can't.
You are a grown woman, you don't have to be obedient to your dad. Put your big girl panties on and tell him he is welcome to move into a facility but, telling you what to do ended decades ago, you aren't his wife.
size 22.
You aren't a woman in your dad's life. You are your husband's woman and he needs to stand up for you.
You have no legal obligation (at least where I live) to provide housing or care for your parent, especially an abusive one.
You can start eviction proceedings.
You can stop providing him with meals, stop doing his laundry and simply pretend he's not there, if you choose.
The thing is, you DO have choices here.
They may be hard, unpleasant or not consonant with the way you've been trained and groomed to be. But you can change.
Start by going back to the gym.
Back to the gym. YES.
A long journey starts with the first step. Can be on the treadmill 👟👟
very apologetic. I know you can’t reason with a narcissist especially if they’ve got dementia, but basically I told him that he had to mind his own business regarding DL and myself. He said he’d try to. Anyway, the upside is I’ll probably be starting back at the gym next week. All this bloody stress about nothing.