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I don’t get out very often but recently I’ve had to forgo my training program at the gym simply because my father said to me that he’s surprised that my husband lets me go to the gym 4 times a week. I was furious. He still thinks women should be obedient and in the kitchen and not be allowed too much freedom in a marriage. I told him to mind his own business. My husband has no problem with me going anywhere, we have a happy unentitled marriage. He goes and does stuff he likes and so did I up to now. I cancelled my gym membership to shut my father up whingeing about my life choices. I’ve put on a lot of weight and he’s says “ but you used to look great when you had weight off.” I smoked 50 a day and hardly ate. Of course I was skinny. I have hypothyroidism which I was born with, which doesn’t help with weight loss. He just won’t shut his big Yap!!! Opinions about how my husband and I do things in our house. Sorry to vent

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"I couldn’t love anyone who stopped me from doing what I love or what I’m good at. In your case, the violin, mine is the piano. I wasn’t allowed to pursue my dream of completing a Bachelor of Music. Enough said."

I'm sorry that you gave up your dream.

I want to,mention that my mom went back to college (over my dad's objections) at age 65 and completed her Bachelor's degree at the age of 82.
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If I told you the horrid, horrid, HORRID things my mother with dementia *and more than a touch of NPD* has said to me over the years, your hair would turn gray. Mine did. So I wound up dying it 2x a month instead of once.

The only good thing about my mother was that she did NOT live in my house. Once was more than enough living together when I was a child. Which was when I vowed it would NEVER happen again.

Move dad OUT of your house so you can take your life back. You deserve a life of your own and a narcissistic old man with dementia has NO filter, plus he's an old chauvinist from way back when when men thought women should stay home and have babies and sweat bullets over a hot stove all day long. My father was One Of Those too, and had quite a few choice things to say to me over the years as well. An Italian from the Old World who once told my mother (about me) 'her legs must weigh 50 lbs apiece' and 'well you're not Sophia Loren' when I asked him if he thought I was pretty when I was a young girl.

So, to answer your question, How do I stop resenting my elderly father's manipulative tactics? Move him OUT of your house ASAP. Dementia can take a really nice person and turn him into a raging AH. Never mind an NPD person to begin with. They will become so insufferable you'll lose your mind. Literally.

Do what's right for YOU now, dear woman.

Good luck
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Annie, so awesome that you went back to the gym! Brava!
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My first gut reaction is
Why on earth would you let your father treat you in such a manner?
Second reaction
Why on earth would you let your father move in with you?
Your dad has dementia.
Your dad will not change his opinion, and my guess is this is the way he has always been.
IGNORE him.
DO NOT let him run your life, you are an adult.
Two things to do today.
1. Get your gym membership reinstated. (make them give you a great deal for coming back)
2. Look for Memory Care facilities for dad.
(I think your father is mentally abusive to you and if he is going to stay in your home you need to get caregivers that will be there to help you.)

You need to change your mindset.
You did not "have" to forgo your training....you CHOSE to forgo your training.
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angryannie May 2022
Thanks Grandma 1954
I have gone back to the gym and without having to pay rejoining fees, the staff at the gym are very understanding and nice.
But the decision to move my father in was decided 18 months ago so that’s where we’re at right now.
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Maybe I shouldn’t have said something or chosen my approach more carefull but after a heated discussion with my father, I laid down a few home truths to him about his behaviour in our home, including what he said about me going to the gym. He couldn’t believe he said it and denied it strongly and totally gaslighted me, he can never accept that he’s in the wrong. My husband heard the argument and came in to the room and told my father if he didn’t pull his head in and stop upsetting me all the time, he’s gone. My dad was
very apologetic. I know you can’t reason with a narcissist especially if they’ve got dementia, but basically I told him that he had to mind his own business regarding DL and myself. He said he’d try to. Anyway, the upside is I’ll probably be starting back at the gym next week. All this bloody stress about nothing.
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97yroldmom May 2022
Bravo! amazing how much better we feel when we take action, clear the air and have our DH show support. Well done Annie.
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I think there are 2 big family issues here. It's up to Annie which to focus on first.

Well actually as priority A), I'd regain that gym membership - for health & stress relief.

Next, choose from;
B). Decision: Dad stays or goes.
Have a good chat to DH & discuss what is best for YOUR household.

Dad needs housing (fact).
You have to house him (this is fake news).

Either way, obtaining that needs assessment should add more truth to the picture. Show what level of care Dad currently needs, either at home or in a new home.

B. The Hard Chat: with POA siblings. Take DH for moral support. This is to discuss Dad's care needs going forward. Bring the needs assessment (fact).

Then discuss how much each sibling can do, contribute. Two are getting divorced so at a turbulent time & unable to offer housing (ok, facts). This means Annie has to take Dad (nope, this is fake news).

0r swap it around & have the hard chat with sibs first.
Explain the simple truth: You all get a say. Even if all your siblings, aunts, neighbour's & distant cousins think oh Annie should take Dad... YOU also get a say!

If it doesn't work for you - then it doesn't & it's NO DEAL.

Homework: please google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
The fog may be think, but the sun can come out ☀️☀️☀️
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angryannie May 2022
Thanks Beatty. Will do.
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This is a great place to vent. Some advice is better than others. Take what is helpful, ignore the rest.

Some of how your dad is behaving must be due to his dementia. Their filters are often gone.

Try not to let him get to you. Don't argue. Don't get mad (hard, I know).

Get back to the gym and you will feel better, mentally and physically, and be better able to deal with him.

Can he be alone? If not, hire someone to cook and clean while you're gone. He should pay for this, as it is really for him.

Best of luck!
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Just little steps, saying no and no again, or any other word, use broken record technique, it is useful for assertiveness.
By repeating yourself you stop further discussion.
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Thank you everyone for your kind words even those of you who have told me to grow tf up. I will do my best to remedy this situation. Don’t know how but I will. I hope I can be strong.
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Ah. Your dad has dementia. That very much changes my thinking.

Has he always been self-absorbed and critical of you, or is this a shift since his diagnosis?

Your brother is POA; does he realize that taking money from dad likely violates the terms of his POA?

Has anyone requested a professional "needs assessment " to determine dad's actual level of care needs?
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angryannie May 2022
He’s always been a narcissist which embodies a lot of negative damaging traits, but I didn’t realise how much of one he was until I hit my 30s, I’m now 56. Everything is about HIM. Every conversation he turns it into something about himself. Which is why I’m limiting my interactions with him as much as possible, Grey Rocking and setting up boundaries which appears to be the only way I can survive for now. However if he continues with his NPD bs, he’ll be going into care.
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If your brother is demanding/asking for a chunk of money from dad, I'd ask for the same amount, for the sake of fairness.

Use the money to pay for therapy and a pair of high quality noise cancelling headphones to wear at home.

I would not lift a finger for him.
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"He’s 86 and going to bloody live forever." LOL! i really feel for you, most people come here to vent about difficult parents and i see you're getting some aggressive replies, which is unfortunate. perhaps in your situation some white lies will be necessary to manage your father and still be able to do what you want? you really need to get that gym membership back as it is hurting your health and sounds like it was a great escape for you. can you come up with some other reason you're leaving the house that he won't make a fuss over? compassionate lies are a necessary part of dealing with dementia patients, though you haven't said your father has dementia. but his difficult personality may make it necessary if you really can't get him out of your house and don't want to have a nervous breakdown.
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angryannie May 2022
Yes he does have dementia but still knows how to manipulate and dig in the sly little needles of misery and gaslight tactics.
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Brother going through separation. Tough times - for him.

I'm beginning to think the sibling problem is even bigger than the father problem.

I don't wish to diminish the damage that Dad's sexist & downputting style has caused (& is still causing) - but maybe the issue to tackle is less on Dad.

Less on changing Dad's behaviour & more on how how to move him out.

Does Dad HAVE to live in?
Answer was yes but why?
Coz the a sibling/siblings control Dad's purse strings.

Angryannie, tell us more about your siblings: who does have financial authority? All sibs or just Brother?
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angryannie May 2022
Yes the siblings, my brother principally he is POA, my sister much less as we’re very close. My SIL hates my father but she and my brother are getting divorced thank heavens so he wouldn’t be living with them anyway. My BIL likes my dad but is very private and my father would be a definite intrusion, as he has an extremely irritating personality. I
cant think of any reason other than I’ve been taken advantage of in looking after my father as they consider me to be the best one to look after him. So I’ve decided now to grey rock the old bastard. interact as little as possible. The thing is in all honesty, I’m the only who doesn’t care about his money. How much money can buy freedom, happiness and a peaceful life.?
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The fact that your dad doesn't want to part with any money and brother wants his inheritance does NOT equate to your father living with you.

You have no legal obligation (at least where I live) to provide housing or care for your parent, especially an abusive one.

You can start eviction proceedings.

You can stop providing him with meals, stop doing his laundry and simply pretend he's not there, if you choose.

The thing is, you DO have choices here.

They may be hard, unpleasant or not consonant with the way you've been trained and groomed to be. But you can change.

Start by going back to the gym.
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Beatty May 2022
Typing same time..

Back to the gym. YES.

A long journey starts with the first step. Can be on the treadmill 👟👟
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Well he’s just asked my father for money to buy out his —————wife, so he can shut HER up, and get on with a free and peaceful life. So I’m thinking no. He’s not going to want to part with any money to
put my father into care, in
the unlikely event that he pays back my father the full amount.
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MargaretMcKen May 2022
Dear Annie, I guess (hope) that the ‘he’ in this post is about your brother, not your husband. It sounds as though brother learned his manners from your father.

I recommend abuse as a quick and easy response to your father’s comments. Eff off. Get lost. Keep quiet, you stupid old git. Practice until the words come naturally. Start by whispering, if you like. If father is ‘hurt’, tell him that words can’t hurt, and he has a lot of practice himself with hurtful words.

Abuse is a painless way to stick up for yourself. You may find that it’s empowering. Good luck!
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Oh my goodness. Who crowned your father and made him King? Renew your training membership and return to the gym.
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angryannie May 2022
He did evidently.
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Why doesn't your husband tell him to stfu and get out?

You aren't a woman in your dad's life. You are your husband's woman and he needs to stand up for you.
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angryannie May 2022
Love this thanks 💕
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My God woman.... why are you allowing this manipulative, argumentative, narcissistic man to tell you what to do?
If you and your husband are okay with what you both do, that's all that matters. It's none of your dads business! If he lives with you, get him out pdq! How dare he !
Obviously you are insecure around him or you'd be telling him what I just told you. I can only imagine what else you have bowed down to him with. You need to grow a back bone! Pdq.
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angryannie May 2022
Yes I’m very insecure around him, bullied intimidated and If I were an only child I’d put him in care tomorrow and yes I’m a gutless wonder .
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Ummmm....... - let me get this.

You are a grown woman, married, with a house. And a good brain.
Your father made a "comment"
and you cancelled a gym member ship that you obviously need for your health and mental wellbeing - since you mentioned that you have gained weight
why? - to shut him up? He won't - you mention he keeps making comments about your life choices. Now you are resentful.

Someone has to be angry in this situation - why does it have to be you? No one is going to make any changes FOR you - YOU have to do it.

Why not rejoin the gym, ignore your father's comments, and work off steam and regain health at the gym? He is going to comment about something - so quitting gym only upset YOU, not him. Comments are just that - you can internalize them and get upset or you can ignore them and do what you want anyway, realizing that the old bastard is going to comment regardless.

You seem to want to be a martyr - why not turf him out of your house? You don't want to fight your siblings - then have your husband be the bad guy "we've had dad live with us for X time, my husband has had enough, will one of you take him or do we need to look for a facility"

If you need help see a therapist - it helped my DH and me stand up to bull-dozer parents on both sides. We learned to stand up for ourselves, politely. When they started in on us - comments - because after all - they can't do anything else and we didn't want to go there - politely "i love you, gotta go" and leave the room , hangup, whatever.

You are the only one who can change this - and yet you seem to prefer to stew and be resentful vs helping yourself. I hope this will change - you deserve better. And by the way - your siblings and your dad obviously do not appreciate your sacrifice.
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angryannie May 2022
I’ve put up with this manipulation all my adult life. I will be doing something very soon. My husband has had enough of me bring upset.
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You have every right to vent, as you have every right to disregard all the obsolete beliefs of you father.
This forum consists of helpful people, No harm or judgement. You are not alone, many posts from caregivers contain stories of abuse, control. We need ideas about good survival skills.
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angryannie May 2022
Thanks Evamar
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Feel free to vent. But I think you already know that we can't change others. We can only change ourselves in ways that allow us to IGNORE those we can't change.
I am hoping your father doesn't live with you, because knowing what you know about him that would have been poor decision-making on your part. Like inviting the fox into the henhouse.
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angryannie May 2022
Unfortunately he does live with us, yeah I know. A huge mistake in hindsight, but as I replied to CTTN55, my siblings didn’t want him with them and they refuse to put into care for financial reasons. They too have been manipulated by this man, and before I knew it, I was lumbered with my father.
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"I’ve had to forgo my training program at the gym simply because my father said to me that he’s surprised that my husband lets me go to the gym 4 times a week."

Sorry, you've lost me. Why, how would *anything* that your father said make you stop going to the gym?

Stop blaming your father for your reactions to what he says. Ignore him, and please yourself (and your husband, who sounds a lamb).

But for heaven's sake don't waste any breath on arguing with your father, either! Seriously. It doesn't *matter* what he says - can his words lock the front door or hide your trainers? No. They can't.
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angryannie May 2022
First of all Country Mouse, my husband is not a lamb, far from it and he as an only child, was his deceased mother’s carer , who compared to my father was a cakewalk. He’s a very caring and compassionate man but also extremely volatile. When I was to be married, my father used to start fights with me because I was leaving his precious little fiefdom. It didn’t matter that I was in my 50s, he just had to control me and make me feel bad. He is a true narcissist and we all know nobody escapes unscathed without battle scars when living with these entitled cretins. So because I was unable to stand up to him, I let him manipulate me. God knows why. It’s like the battered wife syndrome and believe me, I got some floggings over the years. Catholic Disciplinary methods. Even when I moved into my husbands’ parents home which we now live in, he and my mum used to come and visit me every 2 weeks and he’d make negative intrusive comments like it was his right to stick his nose in, ridicule my choices in what I was doing now I was out of his suffocating grasp. So there you have it. I won’t be free until he’s dead. But thanks for the advice anyway.
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Angreyannie, I think of resentment as mini anger. It's not bad. Just a feeling.

It is vibrations in the body. Warning us that anger is brewing. Lean in. Listen.

You feel frustrated about missing the gym? Fair enough.

Can I ask what business it is of your Father's what you do with your spare time? A book club, adult education, gym membership, whatever?

Do you feel judged by him?

Are females allowed to be 'sporty'? in your culture/background?

Your Father is acting like you are his wife in 1950.

Even then I am sure he would be told where to park his opinions.

"Hey Dad, I am off to the gym. See you later".

That is the only polite reply I can think of.
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angryannie May 2022
Women, in my father’s world are there to obey and shut up. They are supposed to hang around the house, have no social life. His b****of a mother (my grandmother) implanted these ridiculous misogynistic ideas in his head and treated my mother abominably. I hate him
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Why would you stop going to the gym because your dad made a comment?

You are a grown woman, you don't have to be obedient to your dad. Put your big girl panties on and tell him he is welcome to move into a facility but, telling you what to do ended decades ago, you aren't his wife.
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angryannie May 2022
They’re big girl panties alright.
size 22.
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Don't be intimidated by an old grouchy man who is on his way out of this world. You're supposed to be a grown adult. Act as such.
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angryannie May 2022
Not soon enough. I don’t even want his money just freedom from him.
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"Opinions about how my husband and I do things in our house."

dear angryannie :),

i just want to add again, abuse people NEVER stop. this will not end. they abuse/want to destroy you as much as they can, until they die.

the only thing that helps a little, is to have another person present (they behave slightly better when someone from OUTSIDE THE FAMILY is present). but of course, you can't have a visitor there all the time.

you'll continue to be the target. TRUTH.
hug!!

i'm under a rock too. let's both crawl out from under the rock. (whatever that metaphor means for you). i wish/hope earplugs could work for you, to block out nasty words.

or mayyybe try reward/punishment (this does not work with really abusive people)...example:
"Dear Dad, if you succeed at spending the WHOLE day today, not saying a single negative thing, I will give you X as a reward. Your favorite meal, etc., an excursion to Y..."

"Dear Dad, I've decided on a new system. From now on you must pay me money for every negative thing you say. You get a fine. Every time you say a negative sentence, you must pay $20 into this jar. I get to keep the money. Let's start. Did you just say something negative? OK, $20. Did you just say another negative thing? Another $20."
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angryannie May 2022
Brilliant:)
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"You see, I can’t fight my siblings. I’d be here all day if I tried to explain why. I just want to crawl under a rock and die."

Are you being treated for depression?

Depression is often anger turned inward. It is a treatable condition, often best done with both meds and talk therapy, both in the short term.
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bundleofjoy May 2022
hugs barb :).

i just want to say to angryannie:

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes."
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Angry (and I understand why), is dad at least paying you rent, and for caregiving?

An "estate" doesn't exist until someone dies. Are you saying that your siblings control dad's funds during is lifetime?

You don't have to be abrasive. You simply say that this arrangement no longer works for you. It needs to be changed as of July 1.
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angryannie May 2022
No he’s not but u don’t want his money I just want freedom from his existence
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Ok then please no
more replies. As I said , my siblings have control over my fathers estate, not me. Now I appreciate that you’re here to give heartfelt advice to those who are willing to change their situation. Maybe they can deal with your abrasive approach, I can’t and won’t. I have no goddamned choice if your high intellect can handle this concept. I’m trapped. Goodbye
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bundleofjoy May 2022
hugs!! many people are trapped unfortunately --- and very commonly, the one trapped is the: kind, sweet female.

to make matters worse, very often the kind daughter is the target of abuse by an elderly parent (until they die). years of abuse. (AND HOW MANY YEARS OF RECOVERY NEEDED?)

it's really common.
:(

even while trapped, dear OP, try to find some way to make your life blossom (whatever the word "blossom" means to you). just as an example:

like you, in my family we'll keep our elderly LOs home (no facility). only if reeeeeeally necessary, we'll use a facility (just 1 example: if LO in the future gets dementia and is violent).

in my case, the word "blossom" means...trying to stay away from abusive words.
...once you hear the words, you need TIME to recover. then you get abused again, then you need to recover again, etc., etc...never ends.
...so i try to - prevent - the words from even reaching my ears.

but my plan doesn't work 100% of the time, because of course i need to communicate. anyway, that's what i try to do.

the word "blossom" for me, also means always remembering my dreams/goals and going for it. i'm working towards 1 of my dreams right now. :)

i wish you, and everyone, to realize their dreams/goals :).
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Vent away!

BUT look up the term "people pleaser."

Why on earth do you care about your siblings inheritance? Time to place dad.

So dad says insulting things about your agency as a married women?

So? So what?

"Welcome to my marriage, Dad".

"Women don't kowtow to men anymore, dad."

"Surprised? I can't imagine thinking that way."

You don't have to say these things, they're provoking and he has dementia, yes? But think them as you proceed to the gym.

You're an adult, and what your father thinks about your behavior is no longer of interest.

You don't "have to" do things just because others want you to.
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angryannie May 2022
Yes I have to say when I was still going to the gym certain things that had been said by my father gave me a hell of a workout.
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