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Many of you know my situation as I have posted here and your advice was so very valuable to me. However, my story is not over. I successfully placed my mom in an AL a little over a month ago after she was living with me for 15 months. I have tried to limit my conversations with her to allow her to get adjusted to her new home. It has not been easy. She calls every day. If I don't answer the phone she will call 10-15 times and leave escalating voicemails. She is always asking me for something. Like bringing her a Happy Meal or a Magnifying Glass or I need to look at something she got in the mail or a phone number or kleenex or clothing that I didn't take over there when I moved her in. You get my point. It's a never ending list of wants and needs.



Yesterday, I went to the AL while she was at a doctor's appointment. I brought a car load of supplies. All the clothing and shoes that were still at my house, cases of diet coke, diapers, wipes, bed pads, crackers, a coloring book with markers and the magnifying glass. While I was outside with my husband last night, I had 2 voicemails from my mom. No thank you's, no mention of the supplies I left for her. Just a nasty message that said "when am I going to bring her hangers, the ones in her closet that she paid for."



I guess what I am so ticked off about is my mother's money doesn't even cover her AL. I am having to subsidise that cost as well as all the "supplies" I have brought over to her prior to her move in and now the second load. She is so demanding and selfish, but always has been. I am tired of being used. My husband thinks I should tell her I'm done and block her calls. A part of me wants to do that. But then doing something like that is not who I am or in my nature.

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The very first thing I would do is STOP subsidizing the cost of moms AL with your own money. You and your husband will need that for your own care some day.
If your mom can't afford it she will have to apply for Medicaid.
Then it's time to quit taking her calls. And tell her she is NOT to call you but once a day if that, and if she calls more than that you WILL be blocking her until further notice.
It's time for you to take the reigns in this situation and quit letting mom rule over your life.
And I would let her know that you'll just be coming by once a week as you have a life with your husband and he and your immediate family come first.
As long as you keep responding to her ongoing demands, she will continue demanding. It's a vicious cycle, so just STOP already!!!
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graciekelli Aug 2023
Thank you Funky, I needed that. I also spoke to my dad today. He knows what I am dealing with and offered some great advise similar to what you all have provided. So I have decided to not answer her calls or listen to her ridiculous demanding VMs. I will call her when I want to talk to her (and because she was not appreciative she's going to have to wait quite awhile for that next call.) She will not get anymore "supplies" that are "special" and if she is not pleasant on the next call, I will hang up. I do still need to supplement her AL, but it's only $32 a month I am contributing, but I am keeping track of everything I am spending out of pocket and when I get her property sold, I will reimburse myself for sure. Thanks again! It always helps me to have reinforcement.
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You are now using money that should be going to your savings for your own aging care, Graci? I am 81, so I am here to tell you it comes in a moment, and you will wonder where the time went.

Meanwhile you are enabling your Mom by bringing a car load of things, so I can't imagine why she would EVER change her behavior. It's working so well for her. All she has to do is escalate her calling; it works and she's little else to do with her time.

I believe that change is very difficult. We get into habitual ways of acting. I can only recommend a good psychologist or licensed social worker who specializes in therapy and is specially trained and in private practice. I specify "good one" because I mean one that will not sit and listen over and over while counting your money, but one who will shake your world so hard the old habits will begin to fall away.

I truly wish you the best. You have made a big step. I believe you can continue this walk down the road less traveled.
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JeanLouise Aug 2023
Shake your world so hard the old habits will fall away
That is the best advice I have heard in a LONG time.
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There's so many stories on here about selfish elderly parents. And it's usually the mothers. They grew up spoiled or got all the attention, then they marry men who cave to their every whim. The children learn to never upset mother or she'll throw a fit, throw rocks, just lose her freaking mind. When their kids are adults, they're so used to tiptoeing on eggshells that they keep playing into her hand.

It never fails these women marry men who let them run rampant and give them everything. Some of these husbands literally work themselves to death for them.

These women were not ever told to sit down and shut up. Never told "no". And when they see they will not get what they want, when they want it, they make everyone's lives hell.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
Ain’t that the truth.
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Girl, let me tell you how to get a backbone.

Decide how many calls a day or week you will take from her. My suggestion is one call in the morning every other day.

When she demands you be her personal errand girl, be noncommittal: “I’ll check my schedule and see if I can do that at some point.”

Block her number except when you make one call every other day. I don’t think she will be able to leave voice mails. If she does leave voice mails, don’t listen to them and delete them once a day at night.

You do realize this is only happening as payback for you putting her in AL, right? She is trying to make it so bad for you that you will give up and take her back in.

Don’t play her games. From War Games: “the only way to win is to not play.”

If this isn’t in your nature, then fine. Stop complaining and let her kill you and bankrupt you. That is your choice.
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graciekelli Aug 2023
Thank you for your advise. I hear what you are saying. I know what I need to do.
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Good that its only $32 a month you are putting out of pocket for her care. I too would be keeping track of every dime u spend on her. Keep receipts. Then when her house sells, write yourself a nice check. Keeping all that information in case she needs Medicaid at some point to pay for her care?

Is Mom receiving Medicaid for health? If so, check and see if Depends are paid for.

The phone calls, tell Mom not to call you, you will call her. Make sure u take her those hangers 😊 then tell her other than Depends and neccessities, because she is so nasty and you never get a thank you, you will not be bringing her anymore "treats". She gets 3 meals a day and probably snacks. Just have to eat them. She now has everything from your house, so no need to call u. The AL should have a van for appts, let them take her. Or, the Office of Aging bus. Other than Depends, tissues, let paper, and toiletries, she has everything she needs. And all that stuff you can order on-line and have it sent to her.

I would take a vacation from her. Fib and tell her your leaving town and won't be available. Your phone will be shut down. Have no idea when you'll be back. Inform the facility too.

Your Mom needs you more than you need her. Treat her like the spoiled child she is acting like. Old Age does not give u a free ticket to treat people like ur Mom does. So, you need to lay down the law, your not taking it anymore. And if she wants u to help, then she has to stop being demanding and tell her please and thank you go a long way.

Even with Dementia my Mom said please and thank you. Your Mom has to realize u attract more bees with honey than vinegar. She will get more from the staff if she is pleasant. Her life is what it is and she needs to except that.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
You are spot on! I will be using Amazon and Walmart to make her necessities personally delivered. I am already planning on "fibbing" for the Holidays. There is no way I am going to let her manipulate me into ruining yet another holiday in my home with her being the center of attention and all of us tip toeing around her.
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Stop subsidizing your mother's care. She should be paying for the AL out of her own assets. When the assets are gone Medicaid will take over.
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graciekelli Aug 2023
It's not that simple. I wish it were.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar situation with my Mom coming home for hospice with me as the primary caregiver. The vote of the forum is almost 100% that I shouldn’t go through with it. But I promised I would take her home to die. I get what you mean about not wanting to cut her off.
The only piece of advice I can give you (other than to block her number and only un-block it an hour a day or so (and don’t listen to the voicemails)) is to NOT subsidize her financially. If she cannot afford her AL she will have to spend down her assets and eventually go on Medicare. You are already emotionally drained, please don’t spend your family’s money! I wish you the best (((hugs)))
PS. Unfortunately, she will never thank you.
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sp196902 Aug 2023
"But I promised I would take her home to die." It was an unrealistic promise based on your lack of information and knowledge that you have now obtained after finding this forum. Good luck.
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Gracie, you're finally getting the hang of this! Good for you.

She's now in a place where she can find others to do her bidding. There are people who run errands for pay. Or at least that was true in my mom's assisted living. She doesn't need you but she wants to control you, and that's what she's all about. Also, the idea about not doing personal deliveries is a great one. Amazon can get things to my house the next day or even earlier. That should be true at mom's new place, and you don't need to be running at mom's beck and call.

Good luck as you establish independence from mom.
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Your mother is taking advantage of you. You are allowing it. If you are unhappy with the situation, change the dynamics.
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gracie,

Congrats 🍾 on getting your mother placed. That’s great news!

I know that you aren’t surprised by her behavior. People rarely change their core personalities.

She’s in a safe place, out of your hair, and no longer under foot. This is your time now!

Nothing you say to her will phase her. Nothing you do for her will cause her to approve of your efforts to satisfy her desires. So, don’t bother trying.

You know that she would like to have you jumping through hoops and doing backflips as long as she can.

She’s out of luck because it sounds like you’re not willing to perform any acrobatic acts for her. Good for you!

Wishing you all the best.
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