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Many of you know my situation as I have posted here and your advice was so very valuable to me. However, my story is not over. I successfully placed my mom in an AL a little over a month ago after she was living with me for 15 months. I have tried to limit my conversations with her to allow her to get adjusted to her new home. It has not been easy. She calls every day. If I don't answer the phone she will call 10-15 times and leave escalating voicemails. She is always asking me for something. Like bringing her a Happy Meal or a Magnifying Glass or I need to look at something she got in the mail or a phone number or kleenex or clothing that I didn't take over there when I moved her in. You get my point. It's a never ending list of wants and needs.



Yesterday, I went to the AL while she was at a doctor's appointment. I brought a car load of supplies. All the clothing and shoes that were still at my house, cases of diet coke, diapers, wipes, bed pads, crackers, a coloring book with markers and the magnifying glass. While I was outside with my husband last night, I had 2 voicemails from my mom. No thank you's, no mention of the supplies I left for her. Just a nasty message that said "when am I going to bring her hangers, the ones in her closet that she paid for."



I guess what I am so ticked off about is my mother's money doesn't even cover her AL. I am having to subsidise that cost as well as all the "supplies" I have brought over to her prior to her move in and now the second load. She is so demanding and selfish, but always has been. I am tired of being used. My husband thinks I should tell her I'm done and block her calls. A part of me wants to do that. But then doing something like that is not who I am or in my nature.

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Decide with your husband what kinds of support you can provide. If you can not afford more for her desires, then don't provide them. Decide how often you want to visit or talk to her and stick to your schedule. Then, visit or call as you have already planned. To prevent her escalating calls, let her know when you will call, visit, and limit of your care. Let her know that you will stick to your plan. You must consider how to deal with her problem behaviors. Please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. These counsellors have a step by step approach to dealing with problem behaviors - that works!
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My saga continues...I guess it's time to cut the ties. As my mother continues to blow up my phone by calling me 10-15 times a day, today's message included how she called the bank and found out she has $1400 in her account and how she's going to spend it. It also included how she's not paying for any of her out-of-pocket med expenses "those are on you!" Of course, I moved her money out of her account so she can't spend it and called an attorney.

I now am going to bite the bullet and pay $3-5k to get out of being POA and get a public fiduciary assigned by the court. I am so done. She is exhausting and loves to push my buttons. It pains me that I have to spend my money to have this handled, but there is no other option. I cannot just withdraw as POA without being charge with elder abuse. I want all of you to know the horrible mess I have gotten myself into. As they say "no good deed goes unpunished!" That is for sure. I never want to see her or speak to her again. She has caused nothing but misery to me.
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Hey all! Thank you so much for all your supportive replies. I am sorry I haven't been on lately to read them - but I just caught up. Mommy dearest hasn't ceased her constant, multiple daily calls. I do not answer them. I have told her several times that I am busy and working and will talk to her once a week. She still finds reason to call me and complain (not that I am answering the phone, but I can see my transcribed voicemail text messages.) I now actually am getting a kick out of the things she has come up with, such as:

Her AL is worse that Peyton Place.
I need a new F&*%ing PHONE!!!
I still need hangers!
I'm hungry!
They aren't giving me my meds.
They are only feeding me desserts!
Why aren't you answering your phone@! You never answer your phone!

The list goes on and on. It's actually pathetic. I do speak to her 1x a week and I start the conversation with - are you going to be nice or mean? If your going to be mean, I will hang up and talk to you next week. The call usually lasts 5-10 minutes before she starts in with me.

BUT....the best thing in the world is that I got her out of MY HOUSE and I am in control. I can decide when and for how long I will talk to her. I am so thankful to all of you who have helped me get to this point.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2023
Hey, you have the right attitude! Free entertainment! We will be on the lookout for your new standup comedy show! You definitely have more than enough material to put on a great show!

Congrats on seeing your situation in a new light. I realize that you have a painful relationship and I am not making fun of your circumstances at all.

I am smiling because you have developed a new perspective.

It takes time, support and sometimes therapy to make changes in our lives. I have enormous gratitude for my therapist.

I struggled with my circumstances for way too long. It feels good to laugh instead of cry, doesn’t it?

Wishing you all the best.
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That must be so difficult. My MIL finally went into assisted living in March. She would call my husband daily and at one point it was 20 times a day where we couldn’t go anywhere or plan anything. Long story short, she passed away recently. But before that I encouraged my husband to stop answering her calls because she was in AL and had an emergency button around her neck so he didn’t need to feel as though he needed to be on call. It worked to the point where she said I’ll talk to you when I talk to you. He went from calling her every night to every other and maybe sometimes every couple days.
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You, too, will no doubt face what your mother is facing. How would you
like to be treated?
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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2023
Peggy, if I needed help from someone, I wouldn't be verbally abusing them.
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Unless I was ridiculously wealthy, I would not be subsidizing her assisted living rent....but that is just me.

She is controlling you and you need to take hold of the situation and tell mom what time it is..... Inform her that you are not on call. Tell her to make a list of things she needs and you can make runs once a week on this particular day/time.

Meet with the AL activities director and let her know that your mom is killing you with phone calls and errands and she needs to be kept busy and she needs to make some friends. Ask if they can make an extra effort to get your mom involved in things. Ask if they can pair her up with other ladies for lunch, etc.

If she continues with the excessive phone calls and demands, block her calls during certain hours. The facility will get a hold of you if something is truly going on.
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Triage + Limits + Planning

Magnifying glass? Hangers? Whatever item de jour...
HOW important is it, really? On a scale of Life Threatening down to just Nice to Have.
Sort into: Need - Want - Whim

Sure. I will bring that.
Or sure, I will bring that NEXT VISIT. Or that can go on the list for later.

Demands for such items NOW could be attention/memory problems, an obsessional loop or a power play - she aims to feels powerful when demanding.

If you mumble yeah, nah, later, what is she going to do about that? Call until her fingers are sore? It must be very frustrating for her to be so dependant. Sigh.
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graciekelli: Do not allow your mother to control your life as she is failing to show any gratitude to your kindness. You shouldn't be 'jumping through hoops' any longer. Also, YOUR financials should not be footing the bill for her care since you'll need to save your funds for your own retirement years. Meanwhile, your mother has set up a not-so-stellar system for herself with you at her beck and call.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
Thank you Llamalover, I am POA and I have 2 assets of hers that I am trying to sell. Difficult to sell because one is land and the other is mineral rights. I am keeping track of everything I am spending of my money and will reimburse myself once I get these sold. After that, I plan on getting her a public fiduciary.

She's the worst! Spoiled, self-centered, demanding and manipulative. I am actually surprised that she hasn't gotten herself kicked out of the AL yet. She actually tells me that she hopes she does get kicked out. I said "that will be sad, cause you'll not be coming here and you'll have one where else to go." She said she'll live on the streets. I said then why wait? Why don't you pack your suitcase and leave now. The streets always have vacancies."
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Regarding your response to funkygrandma59, you can only get money from sale of house if you have a contract, spouse agrees, or some other proof. Mom’s word won’t work, she could change it. Please get it in writing.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
She has no spouse. I am her POA. She can't change anything she is incompacitated - Dementia stage 3. I manage all her affairs and I will take what she owes me - I keep a ledger. I will handle the sale of her property and those monies will be deposited into her account in which I currently fully manage. But after I do this, I will get a public fiduciary assigned to her and use her proceeds to pay an attorney to handle it.
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Set limits on her like you would with a teenager. Then limit your contact with her to protect your mental health and don't cut her off. You might want to find a social worker to mediate between you and her and to make sure she's getting proper care since you won't be visiting her all the time.
It's been my observation that residents with no family coming in to see them go through neglect. This is because the staff in nursing homes can get away with it.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
Lol! I laughed at this comment for sure. My mother will not go through neglect for sure (at least at the stage she is in now) she has been giving them hell. She is a piece of work - and that is what the AL Manager told me:)
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It sounds like Mom has reverted to being a demanding child who wants everything right now. How would you treat your child if she were making these demands on you? Would you put her up for adoption?

I would like you to consider getting Dad to provide a companion for her through Care.com or Visiting Angels and to connect Mom with the Activities Director to invite her to get involved. I don't "follow" people, so I don't know your experiences, but I'd guess that you're over due for a vacation.

Please take that vacation and figure out your limits for the sake of setting healthy boundaries. An appointment with a Geriatric Psychologist would benefit this situation and give you insight into Geriatric Behaviors and how to cope with them without canceling your mother.

Has Mom applied for Medicaid or can Dad afford to foot her bills? (no need to answer these questions, just wanted to throw ideas out there). Found this article that may have different perspectives on the situation yourself in. (copy and paste) https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors/

Best wishes to you and hope you find love in your heart for someone who irritates you to no end..........perhaps call a truce (and/or companion)?
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LoopyLoo Aug 2023
“How would you treat your child if she were making these demands on you? Would you put her up for adoption?”

Guilting the OP is not helpful. Nor is it the same situation.
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Graciekelli, I just read all of the answers to your questions about your mom and your one response saying "It's not that simple.". Oh honey, it never is. I am 63 and have had insulin dependent diabetes for 51 years. I moved in with my dad over 8 years ago to take care of him after my mom died. My dad is a difficult dad who likes to quote from the parts of the Bible that he agrees with like the Old Testament rules about daughters obeying their fathers or they are "worthy of death". He went so far as to call my aunt to tell her I was worthy of death but that he didn't have his gun so he couldn't do anything about that. He has always been a verbally abusive man, even to my mom, his wife of 64+ years at her passing. Almost everyone I know tells me not to take this from him as they are telling you. You said it's not in your nature to be forceful with your mom. It's not in my nature to cut my dad off either. Last year my family decided that our disagreements and my failing health was not good for either of us and they forcibly removed him and in January they moved him to a VA facility about 2 hrs from me. Because of infections in both feet I am unable to drive and getting a ride is extremely difficult so I don't have the blessings of going to see him as often as I would like. Here's the "not that simple" thing. My dad is tough to deal with HOWEVER, I cannot forget that his children, 6 boys and me, never wanted for anything. My dad, and mom until she left, kept a roof over our heads, food, clothes and something special for a birthday or Christmas... my dad taught me how to float and took us all fishing on his days off. He would say some pretty outrageous things but he NEVER refused to help any of us if we asked. So no, my family can cut him off and forget about what he is at his core but I can't.
Graciekelli, I don't have the perfect answer for you and your situation. Some say your mom may have to apply for Medicaid. Laws vary from State to State. Look carefully before you jump into that. In most States I believe that if you sell assets within 5 years of applying, it is illegal to "hide" assets. I do have some advice: call Legal Shield. For $29.95/mo you get access to a lawyer who will answer all of your questions on any subject as often as you want. They set you up with a local lawyer and I have found them invaluable. More importantly, Pray and ask God for direction. He has never failed me altho He is the latest, on time God and the place found for my dad is truly an answer to prayer. My dad called me at least twice a day telling me he was leaving there and coming home and for me to come get him. I finally told him that where he is let's him live very well, that he has food, laundry done, entertainment and everything he needs for a pretty good life as when he was here as all he did was to sit around and watch TV and waited for me to do all of the other stuff he is getting there. As a veteran, it only costs him $300/mo. I know that option isn't there for your mom but it is only one example of what God can do. I believe you know what you need to do so take your own advice but also hear what others say. Pray and watch God fix this in an amazing way that you will be surprised by. Your mom has many attributes as well. She raised a pretty great daughter that is concerned for the well being of others. That's a good thing.
Graciekelli, You will be OK, you will be OK, YOU WILL BE OKAY.
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sp196902 Aug 2023
Putting a roof over your head, feeding you and being there for you when you were a child is something a parent is supposed to do. It's what a parent is supposed to do. Why are we giving accolades for things like this? Is it because some parents are even worse and don't provide those things and are also abusive too?

Making it seem like because he did the basic human requirement of feeding, clothing and being there for you makes it OK that he is mentally abusive is just a version of parent induced Stockholm Syndrome.

The fact that family members saw what was going on and intervened on your behalf is awesome. Mainly because most family will just turn a blind eye and ignore abuse and out of control behavior by family members.

Be thankful your dad is in a facility getting the care he needs and now you can focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health.
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Do NOT block you mother's call. Asking for supplies is not a terrible thing. She wants to see you, so what is wrong with that?

Put yourself in her situation. How would you feel to be just dumped somewhere and then blocked? The way people treat our elderly is really horrible to me! They are family and consider how you would feel if your family would treat you in such a way when you grow old.

It is wonderful that you have been helping her, but she is not being selfish for wanting you in her life.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2023
I looked up your profile, FamilyNeeded, and there is nothing. No information at all about who you are caring for, or have cared for. You seem to have been very active on the site, but I can't remember your posts. Not even why you 'need family'. If it's for 'advice' like this, I'm not surprised that they might not be close!

How about some information about your own experience and where you are coming from.
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Graciekelli,

You know the answer. Your husband is right. When people do not treat you well, and they have persisted in treating you poorly for a long time, they are not going to change. Tell her plainly that you are not going to take her calls unless she is pleasant to you and treats you with respect. Then stop taking her calls unless she changes.

I know this will be hard but what you are doing now is hard and it is not working.

Good luck. You deserve to be treated with respect.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
Thank you!! Great words of wisdom that I have already put into use. So far, she only makes it about 5-10 minutes before I have to end the call:)
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I agree with janicemayer18 that she needs something to calm her anxiety. Speak to her doctor. Meanwhile, you are giving her permission to control your life. Can you shut off your voicemail for a month so that she can adjust? The message that the box is full will be something she will hear.Does your voicemailbox have a limited number of calls? Does she really need a phone? My mom's MC did not have an option of a phone in the room. Staff had a "lock" on one phone that could be used intermittantly. She would remember those childhood days of when we had party lines and that she would have to wait her turn. You will still receive a history of numbers who call you
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If she is coherent then she’s 100% responsible mentally for her attitudes her demeanor and for the way she manipulates you.
For your own mental wellness you are just going to have to make reasonable limits and stick to them. Make sure she understands that you mean it and that you will not be swayed. Period. Isn’t easy or pleasant but you have a right to your own peace of mind and your own life…. Hopefully and prayerfully she will adjust. If not, it’s not your fault or your responsibility to live your life according to her terms.
Balance….
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How unfair!! I have a similar family member (MIL) but not as bad as this. I would stop it right now. As of yesterday I have decided - MIL is being taken care off at the B&C and no reason I should subject myself to her behavior. Cut her off. Don't answer your phone or get a new number, block it. You can always unblock later if she decides to be a good girl. Sounds like a bad case of Narcissism. Good luck!
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graciekelli Sep 2023
YEP!! Thank you!
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Speak with her PCP about her behaviors and, get referral for a licensed social worker or other appropriate professional to visit her and assist with her anger, control, bitterness, grief ( we'll start there). Have PCP confirm her level of care needs and cognitive status to be sure that she is cognitively appropriate ; meaning can she comprehend appropriately a conversation with you where you tell her that you begin to set some boundaries and respect ( her respect for you) etc etc. Get some emotional counseling for yourself with an appropriate counseling service to help you with self care, boundaries, and grief associated with such circumstances etc etc.
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BLEble1954 Aug 2023
Excellent advice
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Gracie, all of the answers are also reaffirming my situation with my mom. As in LoopyLoo’s response, this is my mother. My dad catered to her demands, he gave in and never challenged her. My sister and I did what we were told and now, mom is 94, and expects this to continue - gosh mom we are women in our 60s and not children! Thank goodness she is in AL, for there is no way in h#&l we would have this woman living with us. I have stopped catering to her demands and rarely bring her items, but my sister is the one who appeases her when she needs something or claims someone took this or that. If your mom needs something, use Amazon and have it sent to her (one less visit) The calls have lessened since I leveled with mom and put my foot down some time ago. But when she calls, I don’t talk to her after 4pm (sundown witching hour) and let most calls go to voice mail before I call her back. I know she doesn’t trust me one iota (I handle paying bills and her finances) and I have asked her this bluntly but got no reply from her. I know my loving Dad in Heaven isn’t ready for her yet, he’s having too good of a time with old friends and family up there! Hang in there Gracie, you are doing the right thing, start letting go of her control and you and your husband live your lives. Mom doesn’t have to know everything.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
Thank you Gabby! Everything you wrote is just perfect for me to hear.
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Oh so sorry you are dealing with this and so glad you got her placed in AL. She needs to adjust (if she can) and you need time to adjust, heal and rebalance too.

She is likely scared, lonely, angry, frustrated and fill in 10 more things. You are a convenient punching bag, a "go for" gal, the sherpa: aka her outlet for all her unresolved emotions, needs, wants, etc. There will be no appreciation, no thank you, no good enough, no "good job" that will come. Folks high in narcissist personality (this type of behavior) have groomed you to be their puppet: keeping you in a never ending effort to be good enough, to be the good daughter to "make them happy." Sadly, this is Sisyphean (a task that will never be completed). Happiness comes from within, not from the outside. Making her happy is NOT your responsibility, not your job.

Working through boundaries of what you will do and accept and those you will NOT, is key here for your mental health and recovery. You can explain it to her and/or write it out in a forward oriented letter (less is better), hopefully without anger -- just the facts -- such as "I am happy to have dropped off the items you asked for. Moving forward I will drop off requested items -- within reason -- once a month, during the first week of the month." This tells her, NO you are NOT jumping each time she calls to bring this or that AND there is a time window that YOU are setting moving forward, period.

Set limits now or you'll be at her endless and unending calls. Do not spend your own funds, the "within reason" means -- explain it -- that given the expenses and her resources her monthly budget for new items is X, maybe $20 dollars depending on the funds. She has to get used to a budget, just like a teenager cannot have endless $ to spend and buy things, she too now needs to be reigned in on spending least you deplete all your funds and that is NOT a good idea. If at some point she needs Medicaid, long term care nursing home coverage then spending her down and keeping the total assets low is best. If you are paying for AL, you might want to work out your own budget such as do it for 1 year and revisit. Adult children are NOT responsible to pay for their parents care, period.

On the endless calls, you can block her and the call will go to voice mail and you can listen when you want, perhaps a few days out before the once a month drop off of "supplies." Otherwise, ignore it. If there is a true emergency the AL staff will call you. Explain to her -- send a note too, and suggest she review with the AL staff -- that she can leave as many messages as she wants, but you will only listen maybe every other week (again set a boundary/limit) to see if something within reason has been requested for the monthly drop off of supplies. And stick to a schedule of listening and doing the drop off.

Yes she will be unhappy, but she has to learn a new way of behaving/interacting and so do you via boundaries and limits. Just like if you had a two year old child demanding candy for dinner, as the grown up you have to say NO, no matter how much they melt down/tantrum. Work on setting boundaries/limits, explain/write it out to her in simple terms, share with the AL staff (trust me they have seen it all) and get on with your recovery!

I had to do this w/my mom (86 and in a SNF now for almost 3 years). The raging outburst were awful the first year in the SNF. I am had to go "no contact" the second year, but I do drop off a "goodie bag" for her to the SNF once a month with the "Medicaid cost of care contribution check" from her SSA and pension funds. I send a note each month with the goodie bag, brief, hope you are well. Will send her a birthday and/or holiday cards. I have not seen or spoken to her in 2 years and I am working on my healing (lots in my profile about my experience).

Sorry you are dealing with this, hugs. Hope you can work on some boundaries and healing. A therapist could be of great help.
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PennyBob Aug 2023
@Sohenc
Adult children are NOT responsible to pay for their parents care, period.

I have recently learned that, in some states, they are. It’s called Filial Responsibility.

It’s dictated on a statewide level. Not all states have it. For example, in North Carolina, the statute 14-326.1 titled "Parents; failure to support" makes it clear that if you are of "full age" with "sufficient income after reasonably providing for his or her own immediate family" and you leave one of your disenfranchised family members out to dry, there will be consequences. It's a Class 2 misdemeanor, but if it continues, it's a Class 1 misdemeanor.
This applies when the parents) are "sick or not about to work and have not sufficient means or ability to maintain or support themselves.
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Listen to your inner self “but then doing something like that is not who I am or in my nature”. Be who you are, do what you know is right for you. When you look back on this you will be glad you followed your instincts however, setting boundaries seems like a must. I would start by setting hours mom can call and wouldn’t take any calls after that. Maybe evenings and weekends should be just for your own family. A week vacation from mom every five or six weeks if needed. Supplies on a two week or monthly schedule with mom paying if she can afford it. The situation has to be tolerable for both of you not just mom. You are a good daughter graciekelli.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 2023
Most of this advice is good, but it is not correct that "when you look back on this you will be glad you followed your instincts". We have many posters who look back and think that they should not have ruined their own lives for a parent who may not have have been grateful.
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This sounds so familiar. Does your mom have dementia? So happy she is in AL.
All these requests are just her way of making you come and visit. Her trying to excerpt control.

My mom did the same until I set up some boundaries. I scheduled a day & time each week to visit, do a few chores or whatever. Often we would just sit outside. If she was in a mood or hateful I would leave. Thankfully I never had to buy her extra items. She did the same with phone calls and I let her leave a message. If the issue was urgent I would immediately call back. If you do not make changes for yourself she will only get worse.

You could block her calls on occasion. AL will contact you if there is an emergency.

Put her on a budget if you need to buy extra items. Otherwise the $$ spent may get to be excessive. Tell her your $$ is paying her rent there.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
Thank you InFamily! I appreciate the advise. Yes. It's time for me to minimize her spending. She doesn't care that I am having to use my money. When I tell her this, she says "So."

Yes, she has dementia. But on top of that she has only cared about herself for her whole life. She only cares about me when there is something in it for her.
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Has your mother ever been happy? Has she ever been grateful or appreciative? Mine has not … she will be sweet in the moment and thank you for whatever nonsense she wanted .. but it’s not who she is as a person and it’s quickly forgotten. Making her happy isn’t your job.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
No...and your right.
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gracie,

Congrats 🍾 on getting your mother placed. That’s great news!

I know that you aren’t surprised by her behavior. People rarely change their core personalities.

She’s in a safe place, out of your hair, and no longer under foot. This is your time now!

Nothing you say to her will phase her. Nothing you do for her will cause her to approve of your efforts to satisfy her desires. So, don’t bother trying.

You know that she would like to have you jumping through hoops and doing backflips as long as she can.

She’s out of luck because it sounds like you’re not willing to perform any acrobatic acts for her. Good for you!

Wishing you all the best.
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Your mother is taking advantage of you. You are allowing it. If you are unhappy with the situation, change the dynamics.
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There's so many stories on here about selfish elderly parents. And it's usually the mothers. They grew up spoiled or got all the attention, then they marry men who cave to their every whim. The children learn to never upset mother or she'll throw a fit, throw rocks, just lose her freaking mind. When their kids are adults, they're so used to tiptoeing on eggshells that they keep playing into her hand.

It never fails these women marry men who let them run rampant and give them everything. Some of these husbands literally work themselves to death for them.

These women were not ever told to sit down and shut up. Never told "no". And when they see they will not get what they want, when they want it, they make everyone's lives hell.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
Ain’t that the truth.
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Good that its only $32 a month you are putting out of pocket for her care. I too would be keeping track of every dime u spend on her. Keep receipts. Then when her house sells, write yourself a nice check. Keeping all that information in case she needs Medicaid at some point to pay for her care?

Is Mom receiving Medicaid for health? If so, check and see if Depends are paid for.

The phone calls, tell Mom not to call you, you will call her. Make sure u take her those hangers 😊 then tell her other than Depends and neccessities, because she is so nasty and you never get a thank you, you will not be bringing her anymore "treats". She gets 3 meals a day and probably snacks. Just have to eat them. She now has everything from your house, so no need to call u. The AL should have a van for appts, let them take her. Or, the Office of Aging bus. Other than Depends, tissues, let paper, and toiletries, she has everything she needs. And all that stuff you can order on-line and have it sent to her.

I would take a vacation from her. Fib and tell her your leaving town and won't be available. Your phone will be shut down. Have no idea when you'll be back. Inform the facility too.

Your Mom needs you more than you need her. Treat her like the spoiled child she is acting like. Old Age does not give u a free ticket to treat people like ur Mom does. So, you need to lay down the law, your not taking it anymore. And if she wants u to help, then she has to stop being demanding and tell her please and thank you go a long way.

Even with Dementia my Mom said please and thank you. Your Mom has to realize u attract more bees with honey than vinegar. She will get more from the staff if she is pleasant. Her life is what it is and she needs to except that.
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graciekelli Sep 2023
You are spot on! I will be using Amazon and Walmart to make her necessities personally delivered. I am already planning on "fibbing" for the Holidays. There is no way I am going to let her manipulate me into ruining yet another holiday in my home with her being the center of attention and all of us tip toeing around her.
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Gracie, you're finally getting the hang of this! Good for you.

She's now in a place where she can find others to do her bidding. There are people who run errands for pay. Or at least that was true in my mom's assisted living. She doesn't need you but she wants to control you, and that's what she's all about. Also, the idea about not doing personal deliveries is a great one. Amazon can get things to my house the next day or even earlier. That should be true at mom's new place, and you don't need to be running at mom's beck and call.

Good luck as you establish independence from mom.
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You are now using money that should be going to your savings for your own aging care, Graci? I am 81, so I am here to tell you it comes in a moment, and you will wonder where the time went.

Meanwhile you are enabling your Mom by bringing a car load of things, so I can't imagine why she would EVER change her behavior. It's working so well for her. All she has to do is escalate her calling; it works and she's little else to do with her time.

I believe that change is very difficult. We get into habitual ways of acting. I can only recommend a good psychologist or licensed social worker who specializes in therapy and is specially trained and in private practice. I specify "good one" because I mean one that will not sit and listen over and over while counting your money, but one who will shake your world so hard the old habits will begin to fall away.

I truly wish you the best. You have made a big step. I believe you can continue this walk down the road less traveled.
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JeanLouise Aug 2023
Shake your world so hard the old habits will fall away
That is the best advice I have heard in a LONG time.
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The very first thing I would do is STOP subsidizing the cost of moms AL with your own money. You and your husband will need that for your own care some day.
If your mom can't afford it she will have to apply for Medicaid.
Then it's time to quit taking her calls. And tell her she is NOT to call you but once a day if that, and if she calls more than that you WILL be blocking her until further notice.
It's time for you to take the reigns in this situation and quit letting mom rule over your life.
And I would let her know that you'll just be coming by once a week as you have a life with your husband and he and your immediate family come first.
As long as you keep responding to her ongoing demands, she will continue demanding. It's a vicious cycle, so just STOP already!!!
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graciekelli Aug 2023
Thank you Funky, I needed that. I also spoke to my dad today. He knows what I am dealing with and offered some great advise similar to what you all have provided. So I have decided to not answer her calls or listen to her ridiculous demanding VMs. I will call her when I want to talk to her (and because she was not appreciative she's going to have to wait quite awhile for that next call.) She will not get anymore "supplies" that are "special" and if she is not pleasant on the next call, I will hang up. I do still need to supplement her AL, but it's only $32 a month I am contributing, but I am keeping track of everything I am spending out of pocket and when I get her property sold, I will reimburse myself for sure. Thanks again! It always helps me to have reinforcement.
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