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Recently one of my father's specialist doctors retired. I did research and found one that is about 2 mile away with little traffic on the way. The doctor has great credentials and is affiliated with the major hospital in the nearby city. I sent the information to my father.



My father called me two days later and said my brother found a doctor and my father chose that one. That doctor is over 10 miles away and getting there is a traffic nightmare. The doctor has less years in practice and is not a specialist like the doctor I found.



I can't understand why my father favors my brother's choice over mine. There is no good reason. My father's insurance is paying. This situation has repeated time and time again, not just in major decisions but in small ones too. Recently my brother kindly pressured my father into buying expensive things he does not need. My father realized this after he paid. I didn't say anything before and can't now about it unless I want a bad scene.



It's really bothering me that I was pressured to move by my father, do lots of his chores, spend a lot of time there but when it comes to decisions and choices my good ideas are passed over in favor of my brothers', even though he has a very mixed track record of making good decisions for my father.



Does anyone else have this experience? How do you cope? I just want to leave and live by the sea! I know I've been saying this for months but it's so difficult when you love your family and every moment to by close by is priceless.

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You realize that doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, right?

Maybe? that is why your dad doesn't trust your judgment. Because what you have posted here, shows you don't make good choices and your judgment is not sane.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
"doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, right?"

No, that's the definition of stupidity. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking you are getting results.

I'm not perfect. Not all my choices were good and maybe that's why my father does not reply on my decisions. Many of my major life decisions however were very good as they proved to be. My brother married into extreme wealth and it could be that he looks at that as a very good decision. They married for love, for sure, but still my brother wouldn't settle with anyone who didn't have significant financial potential or means. His main "asset" is his above average looks and he is a decent person, or rather was. Actually what was said by another poster about childhood was true. My brother was a "rascal" back then and did rather tame but devious things in collusion with his friends that made some parents furious. They come off as "gentlemen" now but they have rascal qualities ingrained in them. That is, I believe, what I'm seeing come out now.
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What happened to the high road? Get a clue leave your dad and brother alone. Your dad made your brother POA and relies on his decisions and not yours.
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My father did the same thing to me. Everyone's opinion was more important than mine, but when he needed something I was the first and only one called.

If your brother picked that doctor then let him take him. Start being unavailable. You don't need to cause strife in the family. Or even better...so what if you do. Let them live with their choices. Just because your brother has better things to do doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack.
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IMO it all comes down to that XY chromosome.
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'I just want to leave and live by the sea!"

So. Why? Don't? You?

Your situation is either:

1) You are 100% correct in all of your assessments, and you are treated the absolute worst of anyone who has ever tried to be lovingly involved in caring for an elderly parent; your intentions are always seriously misunderstood and unfairly maligned...

2) Regardless of what type of student you might have been in the past, you fail to grasp the communication skills to be able to interpret that your help is neither wanted nor at this time merited...

3) Your father is just an evil person who enjoys pitting his children against each other as his primary source of entertainment...

4) You keep trying to impose you vastly superior will on your father and your brother, and neither one is having it.

So it's 1-4. Or perhaps a combination of any and all of them.

The REASONS for this unhappy disfunction doesn't matter, because your pathway THROUGH it and OVER it are the same: remove yourself from the situation. Physical removal would be the best, but barring that possibility, emotional removal will also work. Get a job, find a hobby, join a gym, volunteer at someplace that takes your time gives you satisfaction and BE DONE WITH IT.

Unless, of course, YOU'RE the one who is getting some sort of entertainment value from all of this drama. If that's the case, then just own it.

Because, as ITRR did CORRECTLY state - and I believe it is often mistakenly credited to Albert Einstein, as I'm sure your stellar educational experience has taught you - "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." That you personally don't AGREE with the statement doesn't make the statement untrue.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
But I think she would rather been seen as stupid.

Oops! I did forget to edit the Einstein reference out. Copy and paste is not my strong point :-)
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You are jealous of your brother and his wife and their wealth. Their wealth has helped your dad. And what difference do-good grades in school mean? Move on and quit focusing on your brother and dad. Your Dad has chosen brother and that's the wAY IT IS.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
I'm not jealous at all! A long time age, in my early teens, I discovered I had all the wealth I would ever need. My valuable asset was me! I grew up in an upper-middle and wealthy area, although my family was at the lower end, even middle class or lower for a number of years. I was however literally for a time the first in my class and I was considered a leader, scholar, and good citizen by the community and was honored for it (they should haven't gone that far) . That's real wealth!

Grades do matter - in certain ways. There's a definite correlation between grades and anything else one becomes involved with. It's true they are meaningless in many ways and for sure you don't need good grades to become a millionaire, rock star or many other occupations. But if I had to choose who I would delegate my affairs to it would be the one who was a top student versus one who was not.

I'm moving on. I'm taking care of my father the best I can and working towards spending like 6 months in a different country, far away! By the ocean or sea in a safe, beautiful place with great food! I actually used to have this before I gave my life to my family out of love.
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Oh yes, me my mother's scapegoat I was hers for way too many years. My brother is the golden child.

I did 99% of everything for my mother, my brother did the rest, a whopping 1%.

No more, I was done being used. I have not spoken to my mother for 10 years, and will never do so again.

My brother is responsible for her, now he moans, as she is a real beach! Ha! He now gets the brunt of her abuse, there is no one else, as no one else on her side of the family speak to her. I do support him behind the scenes but that is it.

Your father has placed you in the role of what women should do, cook, clean, shop and take care of everyone, the son automatically knows the best thing to do when it comes to everything else.

Actually, the issue is not your brother, it is you. You do not have to do anything, back away let your brother take care of everything. Problem solved.

Take care of you. let the two of them figure it all out!
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LIsa, it never occurred to me before, but I was in a similar situation. I was the academic "star" of the family, but my parents chose my brother to be POA.

I always assumed it was because he was "the boy", because he lived closer to the parents than did I or my much younger brother and had a better relationship with them.

I lived where I chose to and how I chose. I had a decent relationship with my parents and see my brothers and their families a couple of times a year.

I'm not sure what your issue is? Being POA is a lot of work. I was happy to leave the heavy lifting of POA and executor duties to my brother.

Please think about what "goodies" you are seeking from your dad--acknowledgement, admiration, being told you are "right", better than, or what.

And consider speaking with a therapist.
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First, my husband has these same experiences, and it is hurtful to him when his input is disregarded. The truth is that he does often make better decisions than his sibling, but his mother goes with the sibling's suggestions, most of the time.

So I understand your frustration and your feelings.

However, my husband takes it too personally. His mom has all kind of complicated emotional reasons for taking the advice of his sister instead of his advice. It's her right. It's more about the relationship than it is the advice.

In the end, you have to understand that making the best choice is not as important to some people than it is to you.

I would tell you what I tell my husband: Quit taking it personally. You gave her a suggestion. If she doesn't listen, respect that she does not have to listen to you. It's not going to change.
It's an ego thing for my husband. He is insulted when he is not listened to. that's his problem.
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You have been with Dad since March. You either need to except things the way they are or walk away. You are not going to change how Dad looks at you as a woman and brother as a man. You have been brought there to do exactly what you are doing. Being Dads wife. Brother is POA and Dad respects his input. You need to stand up for yourself and say what you will and won't do. And one, is not driving Dad to a Dr. miles away in bad traffic when there's one closer and easier to get to. If they want you to help, then you do it your way not theirs. No is a one word sentence.

And then using the excuse that brother can't take Dad because he golfs 7 days a week! I think its time for a showdown. I have a feeling this has been going on since you were a kid. And you excelled because you were trying to show Dad you were as good as his son. I think you have been vying for Dads love and attention for years and not getting it. Thats why you didn't live near each other. Then he calls and says he needs you. So you swoop in thinking now he will see you. But no, brother is still golden boy and you are just needed to do the woman's job. No input what so ever. Just do and keep your opinions to yourself.

This is not going to work. You cannot make Dad see the person ur. I think the best thing you can do is take time away and start excepting how your Dad and brother look at you. You are trying so hard trying to get them to except your opinion that you are allowing them to step all over you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. What do you have to lose. Its not working for you anyway.

And don't think brother is not looking at you to do the caregiving when time comes. Why should he keep paying when you are there. It will happen little by little until you are stuck caring completely for Dad.
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