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Recently one of my father's specialist doctors retired. I did research and found one that is about 2 mile away with little traffic on the way. The doctor has great credentials and is affiliated with the major hospital in the nearby city. I sent the information to my father.



My father called me two days later and said my brother found a doctor and my father chose that one. That doctor is over 10 miles away and getting there is a traffic nightmare. The doctor has less years in practice and is not a specialist like the doctor I found.



I can't understand why my father favors my brother's choice over mine. There is no good reason. My father's insurance is paying. This situation has repeated time and time again, not just in major decisions but in small ones too. Recently my brother kindly pressured my father into buying expensive things he does not need. My father realized this after he paid. I didn't say anything before and can't now about it unless I want a bad scene.



It's really bothering me that I was pressured to move by my father, do lots of his chores, spend a lot of time there but when it comes to decisions and choices my good ideas are passed over in favor of my brothers', even though he has a very mixed track record of making good decisions for my father.



Does anyone else have this experience? How do you cope? I just want to leave and live by the sea! I know I've been saying this for months but it's so difficult when you love your family and every moment to by close by is priceless.

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Your father considers your brother's advice to be more important/valid than yours, and he made him his POA, correct? Just curious...what did your father buy that are "expensive things he does not need"?

I hope you don't take your father to the doctor that is 10 miles away a traffic nightmare.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
My brother has the POA. What I don't understand is that all through school I was a far better student than my brother. My life choices over many years have proven that I make really great choices in all areas of my life. Not always but a lot better than my brother, overall for sure.

At times I will be driving my father to the doctor my brother chose. To protest that would cause more strife within the family.

I would rather not say what purchases my father made due to privacy. He regrets theses purchases now and that makes me even more puzzled as to why he puts much more faith in my brother's decisions.

I will take the advice of Clairesmum and take care of myself. Thank you for everyone who replied.
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I think the handwriting is on the wall. Your dad wants you to take care of him on a daily basis, which you have been doing. Your dad takes brother's advice on decisions related to purchases, which MD to see, etc.
Your dad might frame this behavior as a way to be sure that neither of you feels left out. (if there are other siblings, where are they in the picture?)
Your brother needs to show that he knows how to help dad in important choices, and your dad will not disagree with him....doesnt want to cause son to withdraw from his life, may believe that this choice is reducing your burden of caregiving, and this may be a continuation of a well established family dynamic from childhood that fades into the background in adulthood and then becomes prominent again when an elder needs help.
Try not to make this a competition. Choose what you can reasonably do with a kind heart. Choose not to do the stuff that leads you to resentment and anger.
Let brother know that he will need to take dad to new MD in the inconvenient location - it was his suggestion.
A caregiver support group led by a trained professional can help you with this situation, or a therapist. Lots of us have these issues, but solutions vary widely. Take good care of you, first.
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PeggySue2020 Jul 2022
Lisa says her brother had been paying for aides and continued doing so after Lisa declined to take on that obligation either in money or time.
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What happened to the high road? Get a clue leave your dad and brother alone. Your dad made your brother POA and relies on his decisions and not yours.
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Takes the male advise… your dads generation… my mom did the same…
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Anything I say to mother is immediately discounted. Because I am a girl. Same with OS, and YS. YS worked hard to find mom a GOOD geriatrician b/c the one she goes to is in his 80's and barely functional. Mom refused to go to the younger Dr., even tho sis really did her research and mom had ASKED her to find a new dr.

Being 'the girls' our mom completely discounts everything we say, any advice we give. The BOYS....wow, there's not a pedestal high enough for them!

If your brother is POA, then let him have that thankless job. I stopped going to mat over things that mother wanted me to do for her b/c YB would put the kibosh on EVERYTHING I suggested. I don't 'do' for her any more.

Be grateful. Forced advice is never appreciated.
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This is a duplicate question of one listed below.
Tho it is different in title, it is the same question
from the same person
and answered by the same people in the same way.
This is the other question:

"I'm so confused about the next best steps for my father. I want to help, but am worried I am making the wrong decision. Any advice?"
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If brother chose this Doctor than brother takes Dad to his appts. I will for no one, drive where I am not familiar with the area or comfortable driving there.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
My brother has things he needs to do during the week. Not anything he must do, like work or taking his kids to lessons or school though. He has a golf group meetup at certain times in the week. That's very important to him. In fact he wants to play each weekday soon. I will have to take my father to the doctor on the the days that conflict with his schedule. Thankfully it will not be like every day or anything like that.
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I just read ur other post. If your brother is POA then he, not you should be making decisions for Dad. Since Dad seems to be competent, then he makes his own decisions. Mom and Sis have nothing to say in my opinion.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
My father makes the decisions but on my brother's suggestions, not mine. The POA is in place for the future, I guess.

I just got back from a long walk and now have a better perspective. Like I said in another post I'm just going to do the best I can for my father and whatever my he and brother decide without me they have to live with it, good or bad. It just bothers me that my father favors my brother on the major decisions, even though mine usually have a much better outcome.
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You realize that doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, right?

Maybe? that is why your dad doesn't trust your judgment. Because what you have posted here, shows you don't make good choices and your judgment is not sane.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
"doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, right?"

No, that's the definition of stupidity. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking you are getting results.

I'm not perfect. Not all my choices were good and maybe that's why my father does not reply on my decisions. Many of my major life decisions however were very good as they proved to be. My brother married into extreme wealth and it could be that he looks at that as a very good decision. They married for love, for sure, but still my brother wouldn't settle with anyone who didn't have significant financial potential or means. His main "asset" is his above average looks and he is a decent person, or rather was. Actually what was said by another poster about childhood was true. My brother was a "rascal" back then and did rather tame but devious things in collusion with his friends that made some parents furious. They come off as "gentlemen" now but they have rascal qualities ingrained in them. That is, I believe, what I'm seeing come out now.
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The reason your dad chooses your brother suggestions over yours is because he doesn't respect you as a person.

If you reflect on your childhood I think you will find many instances of this being the case.

Sure you are good enough to do his menial chores and he may even let you wipe his behind one day but when it comes down to it he will always value your brothers opinions and decisions over yours.

In plain terms your father is an and I suggest you stop putting your life on hold to take care of him and start focousing on your own life and needs. Now the question is do you have the courage to do this?

Also why not ask your dad this very question and let me know what he says.
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PeggySue2020 Jul 2022
I’m figuring that the omitted word is “ass.” Looks like another admin edit.

There is no profanity in the word itself when it’s short for “jackass.” Even the Bible uses “ass” that way to refer to that animal, and for all that editor knows, the authors’ intention was also the same.
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"he may even let you wipe his behind one day"

Thank you for the good laugh I just had! That's exactly what I needed.

I wouldn't say my father is an but you make a very good point. Right now I'm trying to focus on getting away for a few months. Before I moved here I was alone but I had no aggravation or stress about my family. When I took care of my father prior to that and my brother was travelling the world in luxury I had no aggravation or stress either. It's my brother who is the cause of most of my misery here.
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pamzimmrrt Jul 2022
Lisa after reading your many posts I feel you are the cause of your own misery. You have gotten lots of great advice, but take none of it. I wish you well
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My father did the same thing to me. Everyone's opinion was more important than mine, but when he needed something I was the first and only one called.

If your brother picked that doctor then let him take him. Start being unavailable. You don't need to cause strife in the family. Or even better...so what if you do. Let them live with their choices. Just because your brother has better things to do doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack.
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If I were you, I would leave and live by the sea! In some cases, it's better to love your family from afar and leave the son alone with his father to make all the decisions, to drive to all the appointments, to handle the finances, all of it. And that way, you get to live by the sea, in peace & quiet & avoid all the pain & suffering this family is causing you.
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Your father trusts you with the “woman’s work” like chores and errands. He trusts brother for the bigger things like doctor selection. They don’t listen to your suggestions because they don’t value your opinion.
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There needs to be one captain of this ship, and your father is the captain. He's appointed your brother his second-in-command, so you need to know your place in this. Dad has placed his trust in your brother for major decisions, so you need to accept that. Your place is the hands-on caregiving, so either go with that or move on.

My dad placed his faith in me and not my older brother, because my brother, while a good person overall, was not savvy about money or caregiving and was not interested in learning about either. He accepted his position in the hierarchy and was helpful when called upon but not otherwise.

My philosophy and my dad's were much more in tune with one another. My brother is happy to hire out minor jobs than do them himself, and my dad and I were more hands-on. Have you ever considered that your dad just feels more comfortable with your brother than with you? You seem to like stirring up drama, and that has to be exhausting for Dad. He's stuck in the middle trying to pacify you while making decisions that are against your unsolicited recommendations. Give the guy a break.

You spend far more time keeping score with your brother than using any common sense in regard to your dad. Who cares what your grades were in school? Anyone who's five minutes out of school can tell you that grades are not a sign of future success, and if your brother "was traveling the world in luxury," I'd say he's done just fine.

Life isn't a competition -- stop making it one. Find your place in the family and stick to it or move on.
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PeggySue2020 Jul 2022
Lisa has told us her dad has aides coming in paid for by brother and that she’s not doing said work.
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IMO it all comes down to that XY chromosome.
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'I just want to leave and live by the sea!"

So. Why? Don't? You?

Your situation is either:

1) You are 100% correct in all of your assessments, and you are treated the absolute worst of anyone who has ever tried to be lovingly involved in caring for an elderly parent; your intentions are always seriously misunderstood and unfairly maligned...

2) Regardless of what type of student you might have been in the past, you fail to grasp the communication skills to be able to interpret that your help is neither wanted nor at this time merited...

3) Your father is just an evil person who enjoys pitting his children against each other as his primary source of entertainment...

4) You keep trying to impose you vastly superior will on your father and your brother, and neither one is having it.

So it's 1-4. Or perhaps a combination of any and all of them.

The REASONS for this unhappy disfunction doesn't matter, because your pathway THROUGH it and OVER it are the same: remove yourself from the situation. Physical removal would be the best, but barring that possibility, emotional removal will also work. Get a job, find a hobby, join a gym, volunteer at someplace that takes your time gives you satisfaction and BE DONE WITH IT.

Unless, of course, YOU'RE the one who is getting some sort of entertainment value from all of this drama. If that's the case, then just own it.

Because, as ITRR did CORRECTLY state - and I believe it is often mistakenly credited to Albert Einstein, as I'm sure your stellar educational experience has taught you - "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." That you personally don't AGREE with the statement doesn't make the statement untrue.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
But I think she would rather been seen as stupid.

Oops! I did forget to edit the Einstein reference out. Copy and paste is not my strong point :-)
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My mother and I both use the same Dr's office. They are staffed with PCP'S and Doctor of Nursing Practice (DNP). She doesn't trust any of the DNP's because she views them as "glorified nurses". She will only see the PCP. When they make referrals ( GI's , Nuerologist) she always asks me who I see. Since I don't routinely see certain medical specialists (Gynecologists, Urologists etc ) that only my mother would see.... ( I am male) she asks her friends. Etc.

She also refuses to see anyone in these categories.

Anyone male or female non white ( Chinese, Hispanic, African American )
Anyone male or female that might not be a Christian ( Anyone wearing obvious religious signaling, turbans, head scarfs, yamaka, etc. )

I've driven my mom over 25 miles to see specialists and during the whole car ride she will repeat.... "I really wish you knew more about this quack you are taking me to"

My standard reply is "Doctor _______ made this suggestion, not me I've never seen a gynecologist/ etc."

Maybe your Dad's PCP can start making suggestions instead of your brother? And if your brother finds a Dr. for your dad can he start driving him?

I'm tired of explaining to my mother that I can NOT know if a gynecologists is any good or not because I won't go ask my female co workers who they see.
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Oh yes, me my mother's scapegoat I was hers for way too many years. My brother is the golden child.

I did 99% of everything for my mother, my brother did the rest, a whopping 1%.

No more, I was done being used. I have not spoken to my mother for 10 years, and will never do so again.

My brother is responsible for her, now he moans, as she is a real beach! Ha! He now gets the brunt of her abuse, there is no one else, as no one else on her side of the family speak to her. I do support him behind the scenes but that is it.

Your father has placed you in the role of what women should do, cook, clean, shop and take care of everyone, the son automatically knows the best thing to do when it comes to everything else.

Actually, the issue is not your brother, it is you. You do not have to do anything, back away let your brother take care of everything. Problem solved.

Take care of you. let the two of them figure it all out!
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You are jealous of your brother and his wife and their wealth. Their wealth has helped your dad. And what difference do-good grades in school mean? Move on and quit focusing on your brother and dad. Your Dad has chosen brother and that's the wAY IT IS.
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lisatrevor Jul 2022
I'm not jealous at all! A long time age, in my early teens, I discovered I had all the wealth I would ever need. My valuable asset was me! I grew up in an upper-middle and wealthy area, although my family was at the lower end, even middle class or lower for a number of years. I was however literally for a time the first in my class and I was considered a leader, scholar, and good citizen by the community and was honored for it (they should haven't gone that far) . That's real wealth!

Grades do matter - in certain ways. There's a definite correlation between grades and anything else one becomes involved with. It's true they are meaningless in many ways and for sure you don't need good grades to become a millionaire, rock star or many other occupations. But if I had to choose who I would delegate my affairs to it would be the one who was a top student versus one who was not.

I'm moving on. I'm taking care of my father the best I can and working towards spending like 6 months in a different country, far away! By the ocean or sea in a safe, beautiful place with great food! I actually used to have this before I gave my life to my family out of love.
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lisatrevor: To live by the sea may be your best move.
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"I'm moving on. I'm taking care of my father the best I can and working towards spending like 6 months in a different country, far away! By the ocean or sea in a safe, beautiful place with great food!"

What is your occupation, that you can do this? Do you do remote work?

It sounds absolutely wonderful. When you say "working towards" being able to do this, what do you mean. What do you need to do that hasn't been done yet? How long do you see it taking before you can actually move?
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LIsa, it never occurred to me before, but I was in a similar situation. I was the academic "star" of the family, but my parents chose my brother to be POA.

I always assumed it was because he was "the boy", because he lived closer to the parents than did I or my much younger brother and had a better relationship with them.

I lived where I chose to and how I chose. I had a decent relationship with my parents and see my brothers and their families a couple of times a year.

I'm not sure what your issue is? Being POA is a lot of work. I was happy to leave the heavy lifting of POA and executor duties to my brother.

Please think about what "goodies" you are seeking from your dad--acknowledgement, admiration, being told you are "right", better than, or what.

And consider speaking with a therapist.
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First, my husband has these same experiences, and it is hurtful to him when his input is disregarded. The truth is that he does often make better decisions than his sibling, but his mother goes with the sibling's suggestions, most of the time.

So I understand your frustration and your feelings.

However, my husband takes it too personally. His mom has all kind of complicated emotional reasons for taking the advice of his sister instead of his advice. It's her right. It's more about the relationship than it is the advice.

In the end, you have to understand that making the best choice is not as important to some people than it is to you.

I would tell you what I tell my husband: Quit taking it personally. You gave her a suggestion. If she doesn't listen, respect that she does not have to listen to you. It's not going to change.
It's an ego thing for my husband. He is insulted when he is not listened to. that's his problem.
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You have been with Dad since March. You either need to except things the way they are or walk away. You are not going to change how Dad looks at you as a woman and brother as a man. You have been brought there to do exactly what you are doing. Being Dads wife. Brother is POA and Dad respects his input. You need to stand up for yourself and say what you will and won't do. And one, is not driving Dad to a Dr. miles away in bad traffic when there's one closer and easier to get to. If they want you to help, then you do it your way not theirs. No is a one word sentence.

And then using the excuse that brother can't take Dad because he golfs 7 days a week! I think its time for a showdown. I have a feeling this has been going on since you were a kid. And you excelled because you were trying to show Dad you were as good as his son. I think you have been vying for Dads love and attention for years and not getting it. Thats why you didn't live near each other. Then he calls and says he needs you. So you swoop in thinking now he will see you. But no, brother is still golden boy and you are just needed to do the woman's job. No input what so ever. Just do and keep your opinions to yourself.

This is not going to work. You cannot make Dad see the person ur. I think the best thing you can do is take time away and start excepting how your Dad and brother look at you. You are trying so hard trying to get them to except your opinion that you are allowing them to step all over you. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. What do you have to lose. Its not working for you anyway.

And don't think brother is not looking at you to do the caregiving when time comes. Why should he keep paying when you are there. It will happen little by little until you are stuck caring completely for Dad.
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Lisa, your brother wanted you to take over paying dads aides instead. Then bro wanted to move dad to al, but that didn’t happen.

To the extent those decisions were made because you were around, that’s a win.
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