Is it unreasonable to ask the one sibling who is living closest and overseeing parents (who just moved near them) to keep a spreadsheet of all expenses being spent on elderly parents? Just for transparency sake? They pay their daughter and boyfriend to do work for them; they also have very expensive tastes.
Then Rude Aunt insisted that I must keep a diary of who he saw, his symptoms, what he said, business conversations, banking, etc. I didn’t have time. All of his care was on me. She blithely assumed that I should and could make everything transparent to the whole family, and it was indeed laughable. I fell into bed every night exhausted to the bone, and also I had my own medical issues and felt sick much of the time. Rude Aunt refused to help in any way. I asked.
If someone isn’t doing the work, they have no right to demand that others do more work. Period. I am estranged from Rude Aunt, and that’s fine with me.
Just bc your sister and her bf are related to your parents doesn't mean they shouldn't be paid for their work. Everyone has to earn a living and in home senior care alone is a very expensive cost these days, call an agency to find out the going rate in your neck of the woods. And handyman services, lawn care services, cleaning services, etc, are all astronomically expensive as well. So if I were you, I'd get a good idea of what these services are worth before asking for detailed spreadsheets of any kind. Just so you don't wind up with egg on your face. 😁
If you are saying your PARENTS have very expensive tastes and worry they'll run out of money, then I've misinterpreted your post and I apologize. If your folks are of sound mind, they'd have to agree to keeping such a spreadsheet, which I'd never do myself. What money I spend is my business. But that's just me. How much, if any, money is left over for "inheritance" purposes at my death is irrelevant to me. I've raised my kids to be successful enough on their own w/o relying on inheritance funds down the road.
If one of MY sisters had asked me for a "spreadsheet" about my mom's finances and how I was handling them, I would have a brief 2-word response to them; and it would not have been "happy birthday."
"People will fight over your money and anything you leave,
but won't fight over taking care of you while you're sick and dying."
Only people who are involved with care for the parents should be privy to financials.
Transparency is not owed to ghosts.
Are the parents judged incompetent in their own decisions and care, and is someone acting as guardian or POA financially?
The POA or guardian has a fiduciary responsibility to pay no more than fair market value for services and to keep meticulous records of all expenditures. Also a duty not to enrich themselves. That's if parents cannot make their own decisions, and a POA is assigned. The POA has no duty to share information with the family, but if the family suspects abuse and brings a court action the POA is responsible to the courts.
If, however, parents live independently and have skilled kids living in their same area, it is certainly up to said parents whether they wish to pay their children to fix the roof, shop, take them to appointments, or instead hire an independent operators to do such things.
A competent parent owes NO EXPLANATION to ANYONE on how, why, where money is spent.
A POA does have a fiduciary duty to keep meticulous records on every single penny in and out of the parent's accounts, BUT the duty to SHARE these records doesn't extend to family, but to the courts only.
If some sort of fraud or abuse of your parents is suspected could you explain it to us a bit?
- Burnt Caregiver
No, it's not unreasonable if you'd like to destroy the sibling relationship you currently have in place, assuming there is a decent one in place. Asking for "transparency" and then saying your sibling and bf do work for your parents "but have expensive tastes" suggests you feel they're ripping your parents off. And a spreadsheet will prove it, one way or another. That's how I'd interpret it, as an insult, and a fine thank you for all the hard work I'm doing to take care of them and their home.
- Lealonnie1
how about you also help out your parents, so the work isn't all dumped on your sibling? sometimes, non-helpers are very interested in money, and not so much in helping, or in making life easier for the helping-ones, or in how their parents are doing.
- bundle of joy
excellent responses. Thanks
This question profoundly affected me and I have been following the responses since it was posted. All good but these especially spoke to me.
When I can move beyond my pain. I hope to share my story for advice.
I am so very grateful for this site. I read every day.
Thanks 🩷
note that I said rental market rate… not top tier asst living rate. My dad does not do any ADL. We are preserving his funds for when he really needs… memory care (he is close).
I'm 100% in agreement with you. Maybe it's the wisdom of age? : )
-Fawnby
Only people who are involved with care for the parents should be privy to financials.
Transparency is not owed to ghosts.
-Conniecaretaker
great answers 🩷